Would you drive 5 hours for a baby shower?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the purpose were actually to celebrate OP, the shower would be held at a time and place convenient for her. This shower is clearly for the convenience of the host. I despise highway driving under the best of circumstances and would certainly not drive 10 hours for this. That seems insane to me. If they want to celebrate there, they should plan a sip and see around a full visit.

Do you really think the person who won't come in for a baby shower will get more relaxed about this sort of visit after the baby is born?

Relaxed about what? Presumably they visit OP's ILs from time to time. My point is that an event should be planned around an existing visit. That's what my ILs in NY did. Planning to drive for ten hours for a baby shower is deranged.

So now OP and husband can plan a visit around the weekend that the shower is being held.

I wouldn't travel that far by car for just a weekend. When we go visit my ILs by car, we go for a week. If DH or I need to make a work trip or something, we fly or take the train. I am particularly not into the idea of doing this for a shower. In my experience, showers are almost always desired only by the person hosting and not by the honoree. Everyone I know had kids in their 30s and didn't need financial help, but had showers forced on them by older relatives who for some reason love the idea. Having a baby is a great time to start establishing boundaries with extended family.

That’s really sad.

Happy, loving families enjoy family celebrations such as baby showers.

Happily married couples value each others family.

How is making arrangements that are MUTUALLY convenient and enjoyable inconsistent with valuing family?

Wonder how many of these guilt tripping posters are 60 year old MILs who have pulled the shower stunt themselves. I would be ashamed to ask a pregnant woman carrying my grandkid to put in 10 highway hours and travel during covid because I was too lazy to drive, personally.

It's not for the in laws. It's for the extended family.

You will be happier if you stop looking at these things as who owes what. The in laws want to throw a shower with the extended family and their local friends. This is very normal.

[Anonymous]

Worrying about ruffling feathers over turning down a generous offer implies a much more tenuous and fragile relationship with the in laws. Op is in for it long term if her extended family is offended by or refuses to understand why this plan, while generous, doesn't work for the lady who's ostensibly being honored. If this is a deal breaker for the in laws (and in the op it doesn't even sound like it is) things aren't going to get any easier as time goes on, regardless of whether she accepts the offer or not.

[Anonymous]

I would fly. When your in laws drive to see you when the baby is born, they can bring the stuff. This is about their friends and extended family celebrating the grandchild. It sounds like maybe this is the first grandkid and possibly your first kid, so they are trying to make a big deal about this transition. Honestly, I hate when people use being pregnant as an excuse to not do something. (I’m pregnant with my second and pretty much everything about this post annoys me.)

[Anonymous]

Yes. For family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, op, we are to understand you are not going to drive anywhere on the highway for the next 3 months?

It’s ok if you just don’t feel, and just say so.

But you came to ask an opinion, got majority of opinions telling you that they would make this trip in these circumstances, and you’re arguing against them.

what was the point of asking?

“Anywhere” does not equal 10 hours, but here’s a gold star for effort, because you tried. NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be a little put out by their expectation that I travel, but I would go. (Who throws a party for someone that's five hours away from where they live?)

Because, obviously, DH's family is from NJ/NY and all live there. Presumably he also has friends there. Also lresumably he's the one that moved away. If he's Irish or Italian there will be no fewer than 20 relatives attending maybe not including neighbors, friends, you name it!

+1 that's how I read this, too. My husband comes from a massive Portuguese family that's based in NJ. They not only threw us an extra wedding shower, but an extra wedding (we'd had our actual wedding in DC but many relatives couldn't travel and it meant a lot to DH's mother that we have this second ceremony where they could be).

To me, however much I did not want these showers or extra ceremonies - I also did not want to start my relationship in this family being the one who was inflexible and wouldn't do what mattered to my in laws. They early on put up a fight about our plan to get married in DC instead of NJ, then they gave on that when we agreed to do these other things up by then. What's the difference - obviously no one likes a wedding shower, and who wants to spend more time in an air conditioned banquet hall, but it meant something to my husband's parents. So we did it.

Who wants to make THIS the thing that you start fighting over? Just go. Get some presents. Eat some cake. Sleep in an uncomfortable bed for one lousy night.

OK, now that is insane (and caving in to pressure to agree to it is even more insane).

[Anonymous]

I’m currently 6 months pregnant and would not make this trip. If they want to shower me, they can come to me. Good luck OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the purpose were actually to celebrate OP, the shower would be held at a time and place convenient for her. This shower is clearly for the convenience of the host. I despise highway driving under the best of circumstances and would certainly not drive 10 hours for this. That seems insane to me. If they want to celebrate there, they should plan a sip and see around a full visit.

Do you really think the person who won't come in for a baby shower will get more relaxed about this sort of visit after the baby is born?

Relaxed about what? Presumably they visit OP's ILs from time to time. My point is that an event should be planned around an existing visit. That's what my ILs in NY did. Planning to drive for ten hours for a baby shower is deranged.

So now OP and husband can plan a visit around the weekend that the shower is being held.

I wouldn't travel that far by car for just a weekend. When we go visit my ILs by car, we go for a week. If DH or I need to make a work trip or something, we fly or take the train. I am particularly not into the idea of doing this for a shower. In my experience, showers are almost always desired only by the person hosting and not by the honoree. Everyone I know had kids in their 30s and didn't need financial help, but had showers forced on them by older relatives who for some reason love the idea. Having a baby is a great time to start establishing boundaries with extended family.

That’s really sad.

Happy, loving families enjoy family celebrations such as baby showers.

Happily married couples value each others family.

How is making arrangements that are MUTUALLY convenient and enjoyable inconsistent with valuing family?

Wonder how many of these guilt tripping posters are 60 year old MILs who have pulled the shower stunt themselves. I would be ashamed to ask a pregnant woman carrying my grandkid to put in 10 highway hours and travel during covid because I was too lazy to drive, personally.

It's not for the in laws. It's for the extended family.

You will be happier if you stop looking at these things as who owes what. The in laws want to throw a shower with the extended family and their local friends. This is very normal.

^ It may be normal but it's also unnecessary and inconvenient for the mother to be. The relatives need to adjust their expectations. They can do a shower via Zoom and send their presents or they can travel here to the mother or they can wait until after baby is born and have it be a "new baby" party! Plenty of other viable options.

I mean 10 hours is a long trip for a diaper Diaper Genie, Ritz casserole, and a game of measuring the belly.

[Anonymous]

Anyone else wonder how such self-centered women who don’t value family can possibly be good mothers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else wonder how such self-centered women who don’t value family can possibly be good mothers?

Are you talking about the mom to be or the mother in law?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else wonder how such self-centered women who don’t value family can possibly be good mothers?

Are you talking about the mom to be or the mother in law?

Good one!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be a little put out by their expectation that I travel, but I would go. (Who throws a party for someone that's five hours away from where they live?)

Because, obviously, DH's family is from NJ/NY and all live there. Presumably he also has friends there. Also lresumably he's the one that moved away. If he's Irish or Italian there will be no fewer than 20 relatives attending maybe not including neighbors, friends, you name it!

+1 that's how I read this, too. My husband comes from a massive Portuguese family that's based in NJ. They not only threw us an extra wedding shower, but an extra wedding (we'd had our actual wedding in DC but many relatives couldn't travel and it meant a lot to DH's mother that we have this second ceremony where they could be).

To me, however much I did not want these showers or extra ceremonies - I also did not want to start my relationship in this family being the one who was inflexible and wouldn't do what mattered to my in laws. They early on put up a fight about our plan to get married in DC instead of NJ, then they gave on that when we agreed to do these other things up by then. What's the difference - obviously no one likes a wedding shower, and who wants to spend more time in an air conditioned banquet hall, but it meant something to my husband's parents. So we did it.

Who wants to make THIS the thing that you start fighting over? Just go. Get some presents. Eat some cake. Sleep in an uncomfortable bed for one lousy night.

OK, now that is insane (and caving in to pressure to agree to it is even more insane).

What's the difference. It mattered to them. All I had to do was show up and be a good sport. Same with the wedding shower - I loathe being the center of attention, did not want to do any of that stuff, but it mattered a lot to my MIL. So I did it. And we have a peaceful relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else wonder how such self-centered women who don’t value family can possibly be good mothers?

No, I don’t wonder this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else wonder how such self-centered women who don’t value family can possibly be good mothers?

"Valuing family" = asking a pregnant woman to drive for 10 hours because you don't want to drive 10 hours to her city and back to attend the same event. Right.

[Anonymous]

It's very bizarre that so many posters here seem to think it reasonable to demand that 20+ people travel 5 hours for a 1 hour event hosted by someone they presumably don't even know (OP's best friend) instead of OP and her DH being the ones to go celebrate the birth of a new child into their extended family in the place where most members of one side of that family live. I moved 13 hours away from my family and DH's family is all in Europe and you bet we usually do the traveling - yes, even when our baby came - because it just makes the most sense and it's important to us to build and maintain those relationships.

OP, you say it's important to you, too, to maintain a good relationship with your DH's family, which is great. I think you're getting a lot of bad advice on this thread from people urging you to focus on how inconvenient this would be to you and encouraging you to think about yourself as the center of the universe that everyone in your DH's family is somehow out to bully (I don't think YOU really think this, but for plenty of DCUM posters that's their primary lens of looking at the world).

I had a miserable pregnancy and felt sick and bloated pretty much the whole time so I sympathize with you being reluctant, OP, especially if you don't like to drive already. But it's worth considering whether the good outweighs the bad in this situation for you and yours. If you really don't feel up to it, maybe you could suggest you'll go up after the baby is born for a celebration instead? (Despite what some of these people would have you believe, it is not hard to travel with an infant. It's when they start to crawl that it gets tough!)