Would you drive 5 hours for a baby shower?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why the nonpregnant people are not the ones travelling.

Because they’re the ones hosting the shower.

I can't believe the family would want a heavily pregnant woman to drive 5 hours for a baby shower. It's really not that important of an event and typically incredibly boring.

Okay, let’s go with that. DH’s family is generously welcoming the baby into their extended family. If OP treats it as an unimportant “boring” event, I hope she’s not surprised when more unimportant, boring events like birthdays and graduations and holidays in the future of her child’s life get treated by DH’s family as the unimportant, boring events that they are. Please remember this post when OP comes back in a few years because DH’s family is more focused on other kids in the family then on hers. This is one of those actions-have-consequences moments.

PP, stop being dramatic. This is not an "actions have consequences moment" that will alter future child's life forever. It's not that big of a deal. If everyone insists on doing a shower right now a virtual option is always an option.

True, a virtual shower would be an option — but the OP didn’t suggest that, she just wants to bail. I agree that to many families, this would not be a big deal. For others, it might be a huge deal, with possibly consequences that should be at least considered, whatever the OP decides to do. Obviously you get to disagree, but years of posts about long-standing family issues that initially stemmed from relatively minor incidents suggests otherwise. Maybe it’s just a DCUM thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why the nonpregnant people are not the ones travelling.

Because they’re the ones hosting the shower.

I can't believe the family would want a heavily pregnant woman to drive 5 hours for a baby shower. It's really not that important of an event and typically incredibly boring.

Okay, let’s go with that. DH’s family is generously welcoming the baby into their extended family. If OP treats it as an unimportant “boring” event, I hope she’s not surprised when more unimportant, boring events like birthdays and graduations and holidays in the future of her child’s life get treated by DH’s family as the unimportant, boring events that they are. Please remember this post when OP comes back in a few years because DH’s family is more focused on other kids in the family then on hers. This is one of those actions-have-consequences moments.

DH's family are the ones displaying this attitude because they can't be bothered to travel to the already scheduled shower, expecting the pregnant woman to come to them. During covid.

As I read the posts, DH’s family has not been invited to the other shower — at least not yet. I see COVID as being a good reason to avoid having a shower altogether. It might have a different impact on future family relationships if attending one event is nixed because of COVID, when another, similar event was obviously held.

[Anonymous]

I would do it as long as it's covid-safe (either outdoors or with info that everyone is vaxxed). But I also had easy pregnancies and never really struggled with car travel

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't think twice about it. It's not driving 5 hours for a shower. It's driving 5 hours for a weekend visit with your ILs that also includes a party, which presumably you do on occasion. Would you not drive there for a weekend at any other time? If not, that suggests to me that you aren't actually interested in a relationship. Are you going to see them at all for Thanksgiving/Xmas/New Years? If so, and a weekend trip is otherwise a huge burden, ask to do the shower then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else wonder how such self-centered women who don’t value family can possibly be good mothers?

"Valuing family" = asking a pregnant woman to drive for 10 hours because you don't want to drive 10 hours to her city and back to attend the same event. Right.

Pregnancy is not a handicap and deserves no special privileges. The person recieving the gifts drives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else wonder how such self-centered women who don’t value family can possibly be good mothers?

"Valuing family" = asking a pregnant woman to drive for 10 hours because you don't want to drive 10 hours to her city and back to attend the same event. Right.

Pregnancy is not a handicap and deserves no special privileges. The person recieving the gifts drives

Why must one drive for gifts one doesn't even want? I dislike showers and don't need anyone to buy me baby things, and I despise driving. No part of this scenario is appealing to me. You will probably pivot to say it's about family, but that's a 2-way street. The people purporting to honor the mother to be should accommodate her, not the other way around. In any case, you said the person receiving the gifts drives, but what if you don't want or need gifts, as is the case for most DMV mothers in their 30s? The truth is the whole point of a non-local shower is for the extended family, not the mother to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's very bizarre that so many posters here seem to think it reasonable to demand that 20+ people travel 5 hours for a 1 hour event hosted by someone they presumably don't even know (OP's best friend) instead of OP and her DH being the ones to go celebrate the birth of a new child into their extended family in the place where most members of one side of that family live. I moved 13 hours away from my family and DH's family is all in Europe and you bet we usually do the traveling - yes, even when our baby came - because it just makes the most sense and it's important to us to build and maintain those relationships.

OP, you say it's important to you, too, to maintain a good relationship with your DH's family, which is great. I think you're getting a lot of bad advice on this thread from people urging you to focus on how inconvenient this would be to you and encouraging you to think about yourself as the center of the universe that everyone in your DH's family is somehow out to bully (I don't think YOU really think this, but for plenty of DCUM posters that's their primary lens of looking at the world).

I had a miserable pregnancy and felt sick and bloated pretty much the whole time so I sympathize with you being reluctant, OP, especially if you don't like to drive already. But it's worth considering whether the good outweighs the bad in this situation for you and yours. If you really don't feel up to it, maybe you could suggest you'll go up after the baby is born for a celebration instead? (Despite what some of these people would have you believe, it is not hard to travel with an infant. It's when they start to crawl that it gets tough!)

Most people don't have 20+ close relatives all in one place. It's probably the DH's parents and then a bunch of random distant relatives and friends that he wouldn't bother driving 10 hours to see himself for a weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's very bizarre that so many posters here seem to think it reasonable to demand that 20+ people travel 5 hours for a 1 hour event hosted by someone they presumably don't even know (OP's best friend) instead of OP and her DH being the ones to go celebrate the birth of a new child into their extended family in the place where most members of one side of that family live. I moved 13 hours away from my family and DH's family is all in Europe and you bet we usually do the traveling - yes, even when our baby came - because it just makes the most sense and it's important to us to build and maintain those relationships.

OP, you say it's important to you, too, to maintain a good relationship with your DH's family, which is great. I think you're getting a lot of bad advice on this thread from people urging you to focus on how inconvenient this would be to you and encouraging you to think about yourself as the center of the universe that everyone in your DH's family is somehow out to bully (I don't think YOU really think this, but for plenty of DCUM posters that's their primary lens of looking at the world).

I had a miserable pregnancy and felt sick and bloated pretty much the whole time so I sympathize with you being reluctant, OP, especially if you don't like to drive already. But it's worth considering whether the good outweighs the bad in this situation for you and yours. If you really don't feel up to it, maybe you could suggest you'll go up after the baby is born for a celebration instead? (Despite what some of these people would have you believe, it is not hard to travel with an infant. It's when they start to crawl that it gets tough!)

Most people don't have 20+ close relatives all in one place. It's probably the DH's parents and then a bunch of random distant relatives and friends that he wouldn't bother driving 10 hours to see himself for a weekend.

I've dated a fair amount of men from NY. If he's Irish or Italian is a HUGE family and they will all attend. So big, I would not want them coming to a shower my friends are throwing. They could fill their own event plus some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else wonder how such self-centered women who don’t value family can possibly be good mothers?

"Valuing family" = asking a pregnant woman to drive for 10 hours because you don't want to drive 10 hours to her city and back to attend the same event. Right.

Pregnancy is not a handicap and deserves no special privileges. The person recieving the gifts drives

Why must one drive for gifts one doesn't even want? I dislike showers and don't need anyone to buy me baby things, and I despise driving. No part of this scenario is appealing to me. You will probably pivot to say it's about family, but that's a 2-way street. The people purporting to honor the mother to be should accommodate her, not the other way around. In any case, you said the person receiving the gifts drives, but what if you don't want or need gifts, as is the case for most DMV mothers in their 30s? The truth is the whole point of a non-local shower is for the extended family, not the mother to be.

Nope. I also don't care about family or gifts and I would just say no and I would not need to come to an anonymous chat room for advice.

[Anonymous]

OP. I think we’re gonna propose doing it over Christmas, so we can make it a bit longer trip rather than cramming 10+ hours of driving in 2 days.

[Anonymous]

Yes, of course. You’re not handicapped by being pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't think twice about it. It's not driving 5 hours for a shower. It's driving 5 hours for a weekend visit with your ILs that also includes a party, which presumably you do on occasion. Would you not drive there for a weekend at any other time? If not, that suggests to me that you aren't actually interested in a relationship. Are you going to see them at all for Thanksgiving/Xmas/New Years? If so, and a weekend trip is otherwise a huge burden, ask to do the shower then.

+1. My DH grew up in New England and has a lot of elderly extended family there. Many of them aren’t able to make the long trip here so it’s much easier for us to go to them. I guess we are just used to long road trips because we wouldn’t have given a second thought to a long weekend only 5 hours away.

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe everyone here is pressuring OP. When it’s my turn I will refuse all baby showers because I find them cringey. A shower is for mom. If she doesn’t want it, no one gets to pressure her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I think we’re gonna propose doing it over Christmas, so we can make it a bit longer trip rather than cramming 10+ hours of driving in 2 days.

That sounds like a great way to handle it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe everyone here is pressuring OP. When it’s my turn I will refuse all baby showers because I find them cringey. A shower is for mom. If she doesn’t want it, no one gets to pressure her.

I think it’s sad that so many people shun family celebrations.

You’ve never attended a lovely family shower at someone’s home or a nice restaurant? They’re fun. You don’t need to do cheesy games (I didn’t). But I enjoyed seeing elderly relatives (#peopledontliveforever) while enjoying good food.