No ring

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'd marry someone who insisted on a ring.

But why?

I'm a NP and a woman, but I definitely agree with this sentiment. to me, somebody who insists on a ring shows that they value superficial things over other, more important things we could spend $$ on (a house, paying off loans, etc) and that doesn't line up with my values. if I was a man and my fiancee demanded a ring, I'd rethink if that's a person I want to tie my future to. (and for what it's worth, I am married and did not want a ring because I thought the money would be better spent elsewhere. my fiance really wanted to get me one, so we compromised and got a small moissanite for $300).

While I disagree wanting a ring is superficial (it can be, but not necessarily), I think a disagreement shows a lack of alignment in values that can lead to marital problems.

My xH is like this, very practical, only wanted to spend money on things like a house and save/invest the rest. Whereas I do place value on symbolic representations of our relationship such as a ring, but also things like dates, vacations, other "frivolous" things we can enjoy together. So ultimately I felt like he didn't love me because he didn't want to spend money on the things that were important to me, and he was extremely anxious that I didn't share his financial values and goals.

I'd say the bigger problem is an inability to compromise. A woman who insists on a very expensive ring that a man can't really afford is a red flag, but so is a man who refuses to buy a ring because he finds women's needs superficial. In a healthy relationship, both partners' wants and values and taken into consideration, and you compromise by finding a ring that makes both parties happy.

A ring is not a "women's need", it's simply a personal desire. Lots of us aren't interested in them at all, so don't attribute this as something all women "need". You make it sound like he thinks tampons are a frippery. Now that's a need!

For many women, myself included, it is a need. To me it’s symbolic of commitment, holds deep cultural meaning, and makes me feel more secure. Just because some women don’t want it, or because men don’t value it, doesn’t mean it’s not important or not valuable.

[Anonymous]

It would be a red flag the other way, so I would say red flag.

Is he ok if you buy yourself a ring or wear a family ring? I mean, it's something you want, but doesn't have to cost a lot of money. If he just hates the symbolism of the ring, maybe you two have less in common than you think.

[Anonymous]

I would not marry this guy until he’s making the $500k. It’s a huge red flag that he’s spending frivolously because he may or may not make more money in the future. Way too risky, he could get hit by a bus and now you’re saddled with all his debt. And his spending habits will get even more concerning once he is making good money, you don’t want to end up 65 with no retirement because he thought the money would keep coming.

[Anonymous]

I'm 50 and my husband is 60 and Jewish. He would have been hurt and confused if I hadn't accepted the square cut diamond engagement ring that his great grandmother smuggled from Russia. It has tremendous sentimental value to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not marry this guy until he’s making the $500k. It’s a huge red flag that he’s spending frivolously because he may or may not make more money in the future. Way too risky, he could get hit by a bus and now you’re saddled with all his debt. And his spending habits will get even more concerning once he is making good money, you don’t want to end up 65 with no retirement because he thought the money would keep coming.

I think that would be perceived as just a little mercenary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 50 and my husband is 60 and Jewish. He would have been hurt and confused if I hadn't accepted the square cut diamond engagement ring that his great grandmother smuggled from Russia. It has tremendous sentimental value to me.

What is the point of sharing this? If I had been offered a square cut diamond family heirloom I would not have posted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'd marry someone who insisted on a ring.

But why?

I'm a NP and a woman, but I definitely agree with this sentiment. to me, somebody who insists on a ring shows that they value superficial things over other, more important things we could spend $$ on (a house, paying off loans, etc) and that doesn't line up with my values. if I was a man and my fiancee demanded a ring, I'd rethink if that's a person I want to tie my future to. (and for what it's worth, I am married and did not want a ring because I thought the money would be better spent elsewhere. my fiance really wanted to get me one, so we compromised and got a small moissanite for $300).

While I disagree wanting a ring is superficial (it can be, but not necessarily), I think a disagreement shows a lack of alignment in values that can lead to marital problems.

My xH is like this, very practical, only wanted to spend money on things like a house and save/invest the rest. Whereas I do place value on symbolic representations of our relationship such as a ring, but also things like dates, vacations, other "frivolous" things we can enjoy together. So ultimately I felt like he didn't love me because he didn't want to spend money on the things that were important to me, and he was extremely anxious that I didn't share his financial values and goals.

I'd say the bigger problem is an inability to compromise. A woman who insists on a very expensive ring that a man can't really afford is a red flag, but so is a man who refuses to buy a ring because he finds women's needs superficial. In a healthy relationship, both partners' wants and values and taken into consideration, and you compromise by finding a ring that makes both parties happy.

A ring is not a "women's need", it's simply a personal desire. Lots of us aren't interested in them at all, so don't attribute this as something all women "need". You make it sound like he thinks tampons are a frippery. Now that's a need!

For many women, myself included, it is a need. To me it’s symbolic of commitment, holds deep cultural meaning, and makes me feel more secure. Just because some women don’t want it, or because men don’t value it, doesn’t mean it’s not important or not valuable.

Is English your second language? You do not understand the difference between a want and a need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like other pps I initially responded thinking he could afford a ring or that you were happy with something simple and inexpensive but that he was refusing on the basis of it being silly and superficial.

He should not be purchasing anything he can not afford right now. You should not be insisting he do that.

As I said, he will definitely make a lot more money quite soon (it’s contracted), does spend on other things he wants, and has not said anything about a small ring now with a future upgrade.

How are you both planning to pay for the wedding and honeymoon? Is there a plan to exchange wedding rings?

I think at the heart of things there has to be compromise but that doesn’t mean you dictate what the other person sacrifices in order to meet what you want as a way to prove their love. It means you come to something where each person gets some of what they want and you find what works for both people and it might mean you both make sacrifices that you feel willing to make in order to get there. I asked about wedding and honeymoon etc because I can see a world in which the discussion of engagement rings and wedding rings can be part of the overall wedding budget/planning and if there is something he sees really important to the wedding, your ask is the rings. You may be cutting back things to contribute to the wedding budget and hopefully he does as well.

[Anonymous]

My parents will pay for the wedding on whatever budget they decide. As they have not offered to pay for a honeymoon, I guess there will not be one, as he has not brought it up nor has he mentioned anything about his family contributing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents will pay for the wedding on whatever budget they decide. As they have not offered to pay for a honeymoon, I guess there will not be one, as he has not brought it up nor has he mentioned anything about his family contributing.

This also bothers me, as they would be paying for a wedding far more expensive than any ring he would get. His response to that is that the wedding is for me, and he does not want or care about it, so why should that factor in since as far as he is concerned we don’t need one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents will pay for the wedding on whatever budget they decide. As they have not offered to pay for a honeymoon, I guess there will not be one, as he has not brought it up nor has he mentioned anything about his family contributing.

Omg. You need to be spending your money on counseling so you can learn how to communicate. Why do you just sit around passively waiting for him to decide what you’ll do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents will pay for the wedding on whatever budget they decide. As they have not offered to pay for a honeymoon, I guess there will not be one, as he has not brought it up nor has he mentioned anything about his family contributing.

Are you 16 years old or mute or something? All of your ire is based on him "not saying anything" about getting you a ring, and now "not mention[ing]" his family paying for your honeymoon. HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND.

If you want to go on a honeymoon, decide on a budget. If a ring is important to you, tell him that. Stop pouting online about your assumptions based on your guesses about his credit card bills. Jaysus. I agree with the PP who keeps saying this guy should run from you, but not because you're materialistic. Because you're not mature enough to get engaged if you can't imagine planning something as important as your marriage without someone else starting the conversation with "Surprise Darling I guessed what you have been mad about but no worries because you get carte blanche to live your dream on my dime!"

[Anonymous]

You two are not in a financial position to get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The whole situation is kind of a mess. Neither of you should be spending money you don’t have on things you don’t need. He (and you) shouldn’t be frequenting expensive bars and restaurants with money he is not yet making and he shouldn’t be going into debt over a ring.

I imagine it would be frustrating to see him overspending on luxury items he wants and not considering the luxury item you want. However, I think both of you need to not be spending on luxury items/experiences. Once he is making 500k he should get you that ring he can afford and he can buy the fun extras he wants.

+1 talk this all out with him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents will pay for the wedding on whatever budget they decide. As they have not offered to pay for a honeymoon, I guess there will not be one, as he has not brought it up nor has he mentioned anything about his family contributing.

Omg. You need to be spending your money on counseling so you can learn how to communicate. Why do you just sit around passively waiting for him to decide what you’ll do?

+1. OP, what do you bring to this relationship? You just expect your parents and your BF to provide everything for you? Please go to therapy.