No ring

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have articulated to your future husband why this is important and he is dismissive, then i would see that as a big red flag. And I say that as a woman who didn’t want a ring, my future husband insisted and so it sits in a drawer. It isn’t about the ring. It is about whether he takes into account what is important to you.

I’m also assuming you are not insisting on something insanely out of his budget.

Right now he has a very limited budget. But in a year or two it will be a drop in the buckle for him. I haven’t insisted on any specific ring. I just know that if he puts it on a card, or borrows for it, which he has done for other things he wanted, he will have no problem paying it off in a couple of years when his salary increases majorly. I am not in general a spendthrift and don’t use credit card debt myself ever. But in his position I absolutely would for something important that I knew would be easily repaid down the road. People take out mortgages. This to me is like that, a cornerstone (more bad puns) of the joint relationship. The debt would become joint anyway. I’m not looking for a 5 carat ring or anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have articulated to your future husband why this is important and he is dismissive, then i would see that as a big red flag. And I say that as a woman who didn’t want a ring, my future husband insisted and so it sits in a drawer. It isn’t about the ring. It is about whether he takes into account what is important to you.

I’m also assuming you are not insisting on something insanely out of his budget.

+1. If it is not a financial issue but he thinks it’s silly and a waste he is telling you something you care about is silly and a waste. We all spend money on things people might think are unnecessary (makeup, a nice haircut, new golf clubs etc) but I think it’s wrong dismiss something that is important to your partner like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have articulated to your future husband why this is important and he is dismissive, then i would see that as a big red flag. And I say that as a woman who didn’t want a ring, my future husband insisted and so it sits in a drawer. It isn’t about the ring. It is about whether he takes into account what is important to you.

I’m also assuming you are not insisting on something insanely out of his budget.

+1. If it is not a financial issue but he thinks it’s silly and a waste he is telling you something you care about is silly and a waste. We all spend money on things people might think are unnecessary (makeup, a nice haircut, new golf clubs etc) but I think it’s wrong dismiss something that is important to your partner like that.

OP, this is the situation. I think finances are a minor part of it, really it’s about not doing something important to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'd marry someone who insisted on a ring.

But why?

I'm a NP and a woman, but I definitely agree with this sentiment. to me, somebody who insists on a ring shows that they value superficial things over other, more important things we could spend $$ on (a house, paying off loans, etc) and that doesn't line up with my values. if I was a man and my fiancee demanded a ring, I'd rethink if that's a person I want to tie my future to. (and for what it's worth, I am married and did not want a ring because I thought the money would be better spent elsewhere. my fiance really wanted to get me one, so we compromised and got a small moissanite for $300).

While I disagree wanting a ring is superficial (it can be, but not necessarily), I think a disagreement shows a lack of alignment in values that can lead to marital problems.

My xH is like this, very practical, only wanted to spend money on things like a house and save/invest the rest. Whereas I do place value on symbolic representations of our relationship such as a ring, but also things like dates, vacations, other "frivolous" things we can enjoy together. So ultimately I felt like he didn't love me because he didn't want to spend money on the things that were important to me, and he was extremely anxious that I didn't share his financial values and goals.

I'd say the bigger problem is an inability to compromise. A woman who insists on a very expensive ring that a man can't really afford is a red flag, but so is a man who refuses to buy a ring because he finds women's needs superficial. In a healthy relationship, both partners' wants and values and taken into consideration, and you compromise by finding a ring that makes both parties happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have articulated to your future husband why this is important and he is dismissive, then i would see that as a big red flag. And I say that as a woman who didn’t want a ring, my future husband insisted and so it sits in a drawer. It isn’t about the ring. It is about whether he takes into account what is important to you.

I’m also assuming you are not insisting on something insanely out of his budget.

Right now he has a very limited budget. But in a year or two it will be a drop in the buckle for him. I haven’t insisted on any specific ring. I just know that if he puts it on a card, or borrows for it, which he has done for other things he wanted, he will have no problem paying it off in a couple of years when his salary increases majorly. I am not in general a spendthrift and don’t use credit card debt myself ever. But in his position I absolutely would for something important that I knew would be easily repaid down the road. People take out mortgages. This to me is like that, a cornerstone (more bad puns) of the joint relationship. The debt would become joint anyway. I’m not looking for a 5 carat ring or anything.

I’m very pro ring if it’s important to the woman and in the budget but, no, I wouldn’t push him to finance a ring. Get something cheap as a placeholder and upgrade once you can if you really want something now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Probably not. Less about the jewelry than the fact that they refuse to do something small for them but that I really want/am excited about. I’d be completely fine if they didn’t want to purchase a natural diamond for ethical reasons.

I’m not sure what the reasoning behind refusing to buy one would be.

+1

I don’t even wear my ring but I wouldn’t want to be married to somebody who refused to get me one when I asked, especially during the time when both parties are presumably being their best selves.

My ring, by the way, cost 1K. I think it’s fine for somebody not to want to get an expensive ring or one with blood diamonds but it’s red flag to refuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Probably not. Less about the jewelry than the fact that they refuse to do something small for them but that I really want/am excited about. I’d be completely fine if they didn’t want to purchase a natural diamond for ethical reasons.

I’m not sure what the reasoning behind refusing to buy one would be.

Totally agree. Sounds like the person would be insufferable and one their high horse about everything as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have articulated to your future husband why this is important and he is dismissive, then i would see that as a big red flag. And I say that as a woman who didn’t want a ring, my future husband insisted and so it sits in a drawer. It isn’t about the ring. It is about whether he takes into account what is important to you.

I’m also assuming you are not insisting on something insanely out of his budget.

Right now he has a very limited budget. But in a year or two it will be a drop in the buckle for him. I haven’t insisted on any specific ring. I just know that if he puts it on a card, or borrows for it, which he has done for other things he wanted, he will have no problem paying it off in a couple of years when his salary increases majorly. I am not in general a spendthrift and don’t use credit card debt myself ever. But in his position I absolutely would for something important that I knew would be easily repaid down the road. People take out mortgages. This to me is like that, a cornerstone (more bad puns) of the joint relationship. The debt would become joint anyway. I’m not looking for a 5 carat ring or anything.

This changes my opinion. You don't want "a ring" for sentimental reasons, you specifically want a ring that he cannot afford without financing. I said it was a red flag on his part but I think the flag has switched hands with this update. It is ridiculous to buy an engagement ring you won't be able to pay off for "a couple of years". Then what, no wedding, no honeymoon? Or you expect those to be financed too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have articulated to your future husband why this is important and he is dismissive, then i would see that as a big red flag. And I say that as a woman who didn’t want a ring, my future husband insisted and so it sits in a drawer. It isn’t about the ring. It is about whether he takes into account what is important to you.

I’m also assuming you are not insisting on something insanely out of his budget.

Right now he has a very limited budget. But in a year or two it will be a drop in the buckle for him. I haven’t insisted on any specific ring. I just know that if he puts it on a card, or borrows for it, which he has done for other things he wanted, he will have no problem paying it off in a couple of years when his salary increases majorly. I am not in general a spendthrift and don’t use credit card debt myself ever. But in his position I absolutely would for something important that I knew would be easily repaid down the road. People take out mortgages. This to me is like that, a cornerstone (more bad puns) of the joint relationship. The debt would become joint anyway. I’m not looking for a 5 carat ring or anything.

I’m very pro ring if it’s important to the woman and in the budget but, no, I wouldn’t push him to finance a ring. Get something cheap as a placeholder and upgrade once you can if you really want something now.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have articulated to your future husband why this is important and he is dismissive, then i would see that as a big red flag. And I say that as a woman who didn’t want a ring, my future husband insisted and so it sits in a drawer. It isn’t about the ring. It is about whether he takes into account what is important to you.

I’m also assuming you are not insisting on something insanely out of his budget.

Right now he has a very limited budget. But in a year or two it will be a drop in the buckle for him. I haven’t insisted on any specific ring. I just know that if he puts it on a card, or borrows for it, which he has done for other things he wanted, he will have no problem paying it off in a couple of years when his salary increases majorly. I am not in general a spendthrift and don’t use credit card debt myself ever. But in his position I absolutely would for something important that I knew would be easily repaid down the road. People take out mortgages. This to me is like that, a cornerstone (more bad puns) of the joint relationship. The debt would become joint anyway. I’m not looking for a 5 carat ring or anything.

I’m very pro ring if it’s important to the woman and in the budget but, no, I wouldn’t push him to finance a ring. Get something cheap as a placeholder and upgrade once you can if you really want something now.

I am more sympathetic to the guy after reading this. Many ppl really don't want debt. Why not say your are okay with a less expensive type of ring? And then you can get a really nice wedding ring or get it remade down the line?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have articulated to your future husband why this is important and he is dismissive, then i would see that as a big red flag. And I say that as a woman who didn’t want a ring, my future husband insisted and so it sits in a drawer. It isn’t about the ring. It is about whether he takes into account what is important to you.

I’m also assuming you are not insisting on something insanely out of his budget.

Right now he has a very limited budget. But in a year or two it will be a drop in the buckle for him. I haven’t insisted on any specific ring. I just know that if he puts it on a card, or borrows for it, which he has done for other things he wanted, he will have no problem paying it off in a couple of years when his salary increases majorly. I am not in general a spendthrift and don’t use credit card debt myself ever. But in his position I absolutely would for something important that I knew would be easily repaid down the road. People take out mortgages. This to me is like that, a cornerstone (more bad puns) of the joint relationship. The debt would become joint anyway. I’m not looking for a 5 carat ring or anything.

This changes my opinion. You don't want "a ring" for sentimental reasons, you specifically want a ring that he cannot afford without financing. I said it was a red flag on his part but I think the flag has switched hands with this update. It is ridiculous to buy an engagement ring you won't be able to pay off for "a couple of years". Then what, no wedding, no honeymoon? Or you expect those to be financed too?

My opinion is also changed. I totally agree with all this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have articulated to your future husband why this is important and he is dismissive, then i would see that as a big red flag. And I say that as a woman who didn’t want a ring, my future husband insisted and so it sits in a drawer. It isn’t about the ring. It is about whether he takes into account what is important to you.

I’m also assuming you are not insisting on something insanely out of his budget.

Right now he has a very limited budget. But in a year or two it will be a drop in the buckle for him. I haven’t insisted on any specific ring. I just know that if he puts it on a card, or borrows for it, which he has done for other things he wanted, he will have no problem paying it off in a couple of years when his salary increases majorly. I am not in general a spendthrift and don’t use credit card debt myself ever. But in his position I absolutely would for something important that I knew would be easily repaid down the road. People take out mortgages. This to me is like that, a cornerstone (more bad puns) of the joint relationship. The debt would become joint anyway. I’m not looking for a 5 carat ring or anything.

I wouldn't count on him suddenly making a ton of money. Things change, and you don't want to have that debt if life takes a different turn.

I know many people who got a small, inexpensive ring that they could upgrade later on. I think that would be a better compromise.

Now, if the issue is he refuses to buy you a $1k ring, but meanwhile he's spending $5k on vacations or upgrades to his car or a giant TV, that's a problem and show he values his wants over yours, plus shows bad financial judgement. He shouldn't be betting on suddenly making a ton of money in 2 years, either.

[Anonymous]

Like other pps I initially responded thinking he could afford a ring or that you were happy with something simple and inexpensive but that he was refusing on the basis of it being silly and superficial.

He should not be purchasing anything he can not afford right now. You should not be insisting he do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you marry someone who wants to marry you but refuses to offer a ring, even when they know you want one?

No way. However I can absolutely understand not offering diamonds due to cost and ethical concerns. But a refusal to compromise on this is a sign of bad things to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you marry someone who wants to marry you but refuses to offer a ring, even when they know you want one?

No way. However I can absolutely understand not offering diamonds due to cost and ethical concerns. But a refusal to compromise on this is a sign of bad things to come.

Oops I just read the update. OP you are in the wrong here. It’s not ok to pressure him to spend beyond his means.