Wife Doesn’t Want Kids Right Now..

[Anonymous]

Here has been many threads on having/not having children, and when to have children. My situation is similar to the OP that posted a couple of days ago with the same title, but a little different. My wife is 34 and still wants to wait. I, on the other hand, want to start now. I make plenty of money to support the both of us. She makes 1/3 of my pay, and wants to advance her degree for a better paying job. She grew up having it instilled in her not to depend on anyone for financial security, but I keep reiterating I’m here for the long haul. I’m 38, the only child, and had two older parents who want a grandchild. She wants to wait until 37/38 for the first. I keep telling her how she affects reproductive health, but she seems to be in an unrealistic state of mind that we will get pregnant right away when we start trying. We might be able to, but I don’t want to take that gamble, or wait that long. How can I get her to see my way is right?

[Anonymous]

Dude, does she even want kids? Plus, have you read any of the crazy threads related to having children in this forum?

[Anonymous]

You can't get her to see your way is right. You can go to counseling and see if you can work out a compromise you will both be happy with, or if this is a hill you want to end the marriage on.

FWIW, DH was 38 and I was 34 when we got married. I also was unsure about children. We waited about 1.5 yrs. First pregnancy ended in miscarriage, and then I had four in a row. I was 37, 39, 40, and 42 (him, 41, 43, 44, and 46). I deeply appreciate that he let me take the lead on timing. We would likely not have four children otherwise.

[Anonymous]

You (and wife) don’t owe your parents grandkids. It is important to agree on when to ttc/have babies. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

You need to sit down and discuss this as a couple.

DH and I got married at 26 (me) and 30. We planned on having kids in the future. Then a few years went by and I realized I really didn't want kids. Luckily, DH was on the same page (though I think he would have if it was something I wanted. So we now CFBC (and 47/51)

If either of us felt differently, it would have been a deal breaker.

[Anonymous]

This is one decision on marriage where the wife's decision carries more weight, since it's her body. I agree with you that waiting till 38 is not a good idea if you definitely want kids. But pushing her to do so before she is ready is not a good idea.

What your parents want should hold zero weight. That's ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Reality is, her career is the one that will take a hit. She’s smart to want to advance herself first because it becomes much, much harder after kids arrive. It’s easy to think now that things will still be equal once kids arrive, but in reality it rarely is. The person who makes less- usually the wife- ends up shouldering most of the childcare responsibilities. She’s very wise to want things to be more equal between you.

Also, since you say “my way is right”- you kind of sound like a crappy partner. Marriage isn’t about proving someone is right or wrong, it’s about understanding the other person and doing your best to reach a compromise. Maybe start treating her like a human being with her own wants and desires, rather than a breed mare.

[Anonymous]

Your parents should sit down and be quiet.

Your wife can freeze her eggs if that's something she wants to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reality is, her career is the one that will take a hit. She’s smart to want to advance herself first because it becomes much, much harder after kids arrive. It’s easy to think now that things will still be equal once kids arrive, but in reality it rarely is. The person who makes less- usually the wife- ends up shouldering most of the childcare responsibilities. She’s very wise to want things to be more equal between you.

Also, since you say “my way is right”- you kind of sound like a crappy partner. Marriage isn’t about proving someone is right or wrong, it’s about understanding the other person and doing your best to reach a compromise. Maybe start treating her like a human being with her own wants and desires, rather than a breed mare.

Also want to add, the fact that you are letting your parents dictate when you have children is just more evidence that you aren’t a great partner. She may be hesitant to have kids because she doesn’t want them with *you*.

[Anonymous]

Do IVF and freeze embryos now if your wife will not budge. Then you will have options later.

[Anonymous]

Freeze eggs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do IVF and freeze embryos now if your wife will not budge. Then you will have options later.

Yeah, if money doesn’t matter this is a good back up. Keep in mind (almost) no insurance will cover IVF if you don’t have documented fertility problems.

An easier place to start is to get both of yourselves checked. You might find that you’re both healthy and would likely conceive easily... or the opposite. If she has bad numbers now I think this is important information to have before you decide to hold off on having kids (when those numbers would be even worse!)

[Anonymous]

OP here. She went through a phase of being unsure about kids, but said she would regret them if she didn’t. She still wants to fit kids into our timeline, not the other way around. She is against freezing eggs given the intrusive process. My issue is she says she wants 2-3, so we need to start now if she really wants 3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She went through a phase of being unsure about kids, but said she would regret them if she didn’t. She still wants to fit kids into our timeline, not the other way around. She is against freezing eggs given the intrusive process. My issue is she says she wants 2-3, so we need to start now if she really wants 3.

OP, I think you should understand what's she's saying: she wants kids as long as they fit into the life she otherwise wants to lead. If you want kids more than you want other life goals, then you two may not be a match anymore. It sounds like you would pursue ART if necessary, and she's telling you kids are just not that important to her unless they come in the way she wants them to.

You think she's deluded about the time line. I hear someone who doesn't care THAT much if the kids happen or don't happen.

[Anonymous]

Man, I would never want to have sex with you if I were your wife and you were scheming like this about my eggs/uterus/timeline.