Wife Doesn’t Want Kids Right Now..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do IVF and freeze embryos now if your wife will not budge. Then you will have options later.

Yeah, if money doesn’t matter this is a good back up. Keep in mind (almost) no insurance will cover IVF if you don’t have documented fertility problems.

An easier place to start is to get both of yourselves checked. You might find that you’re both healthy and would likely conceive easily... or the opposite. If she has bad numbers now I think this is important information to have before you decide to hold off on having kids (when those numbers would be even worse!)

I had my frozen embryos covered by insurance, and our reason for doing it was that I was 33 and not yet geographically stable (postdocs). The "documentation" is saying that you've been having unprotected sex for over 1 year and have not gotten pregnant. At least this was the case with our insurance (NYS employee insurance at the time).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man, I would never want to have sex with you if I were your wife and you were scheming like this about my eggs/uterus/timeline.

You are ridiculous. In the other thread with reverse genders, everyone is telling the man he has no choice but to start trying now because DW wants it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She went through a phase of being unsure about kids, but said she would regret them if she didn’t. She still wants to fit kids into our timeline, not the other way around. She is against freezing eggs given the intrusive process. My issue is she says she wants 2-3, so we need to start now if she really wants 3.

OP, I think you should understand what's she's saying: she wants kids as long as they fit into the life she otherwise wants to lead. If you want kids more than you want other life goals, then you two may not be a match anymore. It sounds like you would pursue ART if necessary, and she's telling you kids are just not that important to her unless they come in the way she wants them to.

You think she's deluded about the time line. I hear someone who doesn't care THAT much if the kids happen or don't happen.

I hear this too. Also OP sounds like someone with much more traditional expectations that his wife, given his talk of him making enough money for the both of them. OP doesn't sound like he respects her career very much or her desire to pursue it. Maybe he would encourage her to stay at home once they have the baby because it's better for the baby or because her salary doesn't justify her still working.

And OP's parents desires should get no weight in this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man, I would never want to have sex with you if I were your wife and you were scheming like this about my eggs/uterus/timeline.

Huh?

Most couples talk about when/if they want kids you weirdo. It’s also common to discuss how many kids you want and spacing. If you can’t talk about this stuff you probably shouldn’t have kids - or be married.

[Anonymous]

You need to sit down and discuss this as a couple.

DH and I got married at 26 (me) and 30. We planned on having kids in the future. Then a few years went by and I realized I really didn't want kids. Luckily, DH was on the same page (though I think he would have if it was something I wanted. So we now CFBC (and 47/51)

If either of us felt differently, it would have been a deal breaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She went through a phase of being unsure about kids, but said she would regret them if she didn’t. She still wants to fit kids into our timeline, not the other way around. She is against freezing eggs given the intrusive process. My issue is she says she wants 2-3, so we need to start now if she really wants 3.

OP, I think you should understand what's she's saying: she wants kids as long as they fit into the life she otherwise wants to lead. If you want kids more than you want other life goals, then you two may not be a match anymore. It sounds like you would pursue ART if necessary, and she's telling you kids are just not that important to her unless they come in the way she wants them to.

You think she's deluded about the time line. I hear someone who doesn't care THAT much if the kids happen or don't happen.

I hear this too. Also OP sounds like someone with much more traditional expectations that his wife, given his talk of him making enough money for the both of them. OP doesn't sound like he respects her career very much or her desire to pursue it. Maybe he would encourage her to stay at home once they have the baby because it's better for the baby or because her salary doesn't justify her still working.

And OP's parents desires should get no weight in this!

OP here. I support her career and her choice to work. I said I make more than enough money to point out that we don’t have to wait out of need for her salary. I support her, but I also know that I want to have a family, and waiting another 4 years will I increase the risk of detikify issues, and possibility a future without children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She went through a phase of being unsure about kids, but said she would regret them if she didn’t. She still wants to fit kids into our timeline, not the other way around. She is against freezing eggs given the intrusive process. My issue is she says she wants 2-3, so we need to start now if she really wants 3.

OP, I think you should understand what's she's saying: she wants kids as long as they fit into the life she otherwise wants to lead. If you want kids more than you want other life goals, then you two may not be a match anymore. It sounds like you would pursue ART if necessary, and she's telling you kids are just not that important to her unless they come in the way she wants them to.

You think she's deluded about the time line. I hear someone who doesn't care THAT much if the kids happen or don't happen.

I hear this too. Also OP sounds like someone with much more traditional expectations that his wife, given his talk of him making enough money for the both of them. OP doesn't sound like he respects her career very much or her desire to pursue it. Maybe he would encourage her to stay at home once they have the baby because it's better for the baby or because her salary doesn't justify her still working.

And OP's parents desires should get no weight in this!

OP here. I support her career and her choice to work. I said I make more than enough money to point out that we don’t have to wait out of need for her salary. I support her, but I also know that I want to have a family, and waiting another 4 years will I increase the risk of detikify issues, and possibility a future without children.

What if one of you is infertile anyway? That’s why you should marry someone you’re madly in love with, not a vessel to pump out your babies (or vice versa, a sperm donor).

[Anonymous]

OP you two need to sit down and discuss this heart to heart.

As for your parents, their opinion is irrelevant. Completely, and totally irrelevant. They should keep their desires and wants to themselves. It matters not one iota what they want.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to defend OP here- he said his parents want a grandchild not that they have been vocally demanding one. It's pretty common for would-be grandparents to long for a grandchild, especially since they only have one child.
That's another thing- being an only child can make one yearn for children. That is also pretty normal. His DW didn't say she doesn't want kids- she said she wants to wait. That is a concern because fertility (from what I understand) can drop off sharply by late thirties. My OBGYN told me at thirty-four that if I wanted kids, I should put it on my agenda sooner, rather than later.

None of this gives OP dominion over his wife's body and her choices, but it's pretty natural to feel anxious. No one is right here,but if they want kids, it's a gamble to wait too long.

OP- there is no winning. You cannot pressure your DW into kids when her career is on the line- she will resent you. If she waits too long and you have difficulty conceiving or can't, you might resent her. You both definitely need to do some counseling over this and figure out your priorities. Also agree with the health screening. Maybe you can have it all- who knows. Keep in mind that if you have three kids, you might be 46 by the time the last one is born-that makes you an older dad, in your fifties when your youngest starts K. That should also be considered. Your DW will make the choice, it is her body, but counseling might help get the full picture out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She went through a phase of being unsure about kids, but said she would regret them if she didn’t. She still wants to fit kids into our timeline, not the other way around. She is against freezing eggs given the intrusive process. My issue is she says she wants 2-3, so we need to start now if she really wants 3.

OP, I think you should understand what's she's saying: she wants kids as long as they fit into the life she otherwise wants to lead. If you want kids more than you want other life goals, then you two may not be a match anymore. It sounds like you would pursue ART if necessary, and she's telling you kids are just not that important to her unless they come in the way she wants them to.

You think she's deluded about the time line. I hear someone who doesn't care THAT much if the kids happen or don't happen.

I hear this too. Also OP sounds like someone with much more traditional expectations that his wife, given his talk of him making enough money for the both of them. OP doesn't sound like he respects her career very much or her desire to pursue it. Maybe he would encourage her to stay at home once they have the baby because it's better for the baby or because her salary doesn't justify her still working.

And OP's parents desires should get no weight in this!

OP here. I support her career and her choice to work. I said I make more than enough money to point out that we don’t have to wait out of need for her salary. I support her, but I also know that I want to have a family, and waiting another 4 years will I increase the risk of detikify issues, and possibility a future without children.

YOU don’t need to wait for her salary. She does. Keep in mind you have been in your career several years longer than her, and because she has the less developed career, she is the one who will take the career hit after kids arrive. She needs to get to a place where she feels she won’t be mommy tracked or have her career stagnate due to kids.

[Anonymous]

She’s waiting to meet the right guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

YOU don’t need to wait for her salary. She does. Keep in mind you have been in your career several years longer than her, and because she has the less developed career, she is the one who will take the career hit after kids arrive. She needs to get to a place where she feels she won’t be mommy tracked or have her career stagnate due to kids.

She's also the one who will take the hit if OP turns out to be a jerk and dumps her with kids at a stage when she wasn't expecting to be alone. Honestly, she's smart to insure herself against this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s waiting to meet the right guy.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

YOU don’t need to wait for her salary. She does. Keep in mind you have been in your career several years longer than her, and because she has the less developed career, she is the one who will take the career hit after kids arrive. She needs to get to a place where she feels she won’t be mommy tracked or have her career stagnate due to kids.

She's also the one who will take the hit if OP turns out to be a jerk and dumps her with kids at a stage when she wasn't expecting to be alone. Honestly, she's smart to insure herself against this.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Woman here. I think OP is right. If she does want 2-3 kids they need to start now. And I say this as someone who did get pregnant at 38 and 40. All risks go up as both parents age.

Op, would she be open to discussing this with you and her gyn? There are a few tests she could do now that might indicate ovarian reserve issues. I also think a good understanding of the success stats, with IVF, and what is entailed should be part of this discussion