Dealing with hard to please MIL

[Anonymous]

Please, no flaming. Looking for actual examples from people who have tried (almost) everything. Short of drinking through the visit, or grey rock (which usually works), killing mean MIL with kindness.....do you have any techniques to get you through a couple days with a hard to please MIL who really has it in for you (DIL)? Assuming you did nothing to bring on MILs ugly demeanor and snarkiness, of course. s/o from recent MIL threads. Also curious to hear from DILs who may have told their mean MIL off in a short and sweet and direct way.

[Anonymous]

My own mother is disapproving and difficult. My SIL has backup from me and my brother (her husband).

So if my mother looks over the table and says "Oh, no olives?" Bro or I will say "Mom, I've never seen you eat an olive in my entire life."

If my mom says "You let the baby climb on the couch?" we quickly say "You know, it turns out all our friends were allowed to climb on the couch as long as they weren't wearing shoes - we just lived in an uptight household - it's nice that Baby can be more comfortable than we were in her own home."

If my mom says, "Oh, you picked this restaurant?" one of us will say "Yes, because you asked us to make reservations here the last three times you came to visit."

We almost never leave SIL alone with our mom, and we answer so she doesn't have to be the bad guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My own mother is disapproving and difficult. My SIL has backup from me and my brother (her husband).

So if my mother looks over the table and says "Oh, no olives?" Bro or I will say "Mom, I've never seen you eat an olive in my entire life."

If my mom says "You let the baby climb on the couch?" we quickly say "You know, it turns out all our friends were allowed to climb on the couch as long as they weren't wearing shoes - we just lived in an uptight household - it's nice that Baby can be more comfortable than we were in her own home."

If my mom says, "Oh, you picked this restaurant?" one of us will say "Yes, because you asked us to make reservations here the last three times you came to visit."

We almost never leave SIL alone with our mom, and we answer so she doesn't have to be the bad guy.

OP here. I love this. Your SIL is very lucky to have you! Turns out, MIL is quite the bully - of course, you would never know it by looking at her, which she uses to her full advantage. One of the by products of this is that no one (her grown children included) want to stand up to her. Much like the high school bully, I think her offspring believe better me than them. Her focus shifted from DH to me when we married. I did not believe my ears the first few times. Quite an unhealthy dynamic, and DH admits to what he sees/hears (he is not in denial), and is working on saying something to her when he witnesses her vindictive behavior. But many in her family shrug and say "well, she has always been that way, she is not going to change now". I agree with that, so I am looking to maybe be just as snarky as her? Maybe she would back down? If not, I at least I would feel a lot better, but I am not accustomed to dealing with people as rude as this, within the immediate family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My own mother is disapproving and difficult. My SIL has backup from me and my brother (her husband).

So if my mother looks over the table and says "Oh, no olives?" Bro or I will say "Mom, I've never seen you eat an olive in my entire life."

If my mom says "You let the baby climb on the couch?" we quickly say "You know, it turns out all our friends were allowed to climb on the couch as long as they weren't wearing shoes - we just lived in an uptight household - it's nice that Baby can be more comfortable than we were in her own home."

If my mom says, "Oh, you picked this restaurant?" one of us will say "Yes, because you asked us to make reservations here the last three times you came to visit."

We almost never leave SIL alone with our mom, and we answer so she doesn't have to be the bad guy.

OP here. I love this. Your SIL is very lucky to have you! Turns out, MIL is quite the bully - of course, you would never know it by looking at her, which she uses to her full advantage. One of the by products of this is that no one (her grown children included) want to stand up to her. Much like the high school bully, I think her offspring believe better me than them. Her focus shifted from DH to me when we married. I did not believe my ears the first few times. Quite an unhealthy dynamic, and DH admits to what he sees/hears (he is not in denial), and is working on saying something to her when he witnesses her vindictive behavior. But many in her family shrug and say "well, she has always been that way, she is not going to change now". I agree with that, so I am looking to maybe be just as snarky as her? Maybe she would back down? If not, I at least I would feel a lot better, but I am not accustomed to dealing with people as rude as this, within the immediate family.

You just go about your business. Be polite. Be distantly polite. Don't lower yourself to her level. If she says something cruel, say, "Wow Barbara, that was very cruel. I'm sure you would be hurt if someone spoke to you that way." and then ignore her or walk away if you can or hang up. If she misquotes you, speak up and defend yourself, but politely. "Actually Barbara, what I said was that I'd love to host Thanksgiving, if it won't cause hurt feelings since Lori always hosts that one. I don't know why you'd say I told you I didn't want to host." If she says "You've always been a fat slob and I told Danny not to marry you," you can totally say "I don't know why you think it's acceptable to say that to anyone." and if it's your house, say "I'm sure you can understand that since you spoke that way to me, you'll have to leave. Here's your purse." And hold out her purse to her near the front door. If you're at her house, "I'm sure you can understand that I will leave because I won't be verbally attacked." And gather your children and walk out.

Always keep Patrick Swayze from Road House in mind - de-escalate, but be nice. Stick up for yourself, but do it nicely.

[Anonymous]

So what exactly does she do/say? Give a couple of scenarios. It’s easier to offer some possible retorts if we know what her bullying behavior looks like. What does “snarkiness” sound like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what exactly does she do/say? Give a couple of scenarios. It’s easier to offer some possible retorts if we know what her bullying behavior looks like. What does “snarkiness” sound like?

Example: "I'm here to see her (not name but "her") not you!" unsolicited, when baby was first born. Basically, any rude example is not beyond MIL, as she has a problem with a few things about me. I don't say much to her, for obvious reasons. I don't want to get caught up in specific examples, however - suffice to say she likes to insert the zingers, unsolicited, when DH is is not present, no one is present, whenever possible. OP here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what exactly does she do/say? Give a couple of scenarios. It’s easier to offer some possible retorts if we know what her bullying behavior looks like. What does “snarkiness” sound like?

Example: "I'm here to see her (not name but "her") not you!" unsolicited, when baby was first born. Basically, any rude example is not beyond MIL, as she has a problem with a few things about me. I don't say much to her, for obvious reasons. I don't want to get caught up in specific examples, however - suffice to say she likes to insert the zingers, unsolicited, when DH is is not present, no one is present, whenever possible. OP here.

You are the gatekeeper to your child. DH needs to be on board with that fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what exactly does she do/say? Give a couple of scenarios. It’s easier to offer some possible retorts if we know what her bullying behavior looks like. What does “snarkiness” sound like?

Example: "I'm here to see her (not name but "her") not you!" unsolicited, when baby was first born. Basically, any rude example is not beyond MIL, as she has a problem with a few things about me. I don't say much to her, for obvious reasons. I don't want to get caught up in specific examples, however - suffice to say she likes to insert the zingers, unsolicited, when DH is is not present, no one is present, whenever possible. OP here.

You are the gatekeeper to your child. DH needs to be on board with that fact.

What if DH isn't around? The issue is not the child, BTW it is how MIL talks to me. Which is why I am looking for snarky responses to a snarky woman. I think I am trying to explain to much here (thus getting side railed), it is a rather straightforward question. OP here.

[Anonymous]

*too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what exactly does she do/say? Give a couple of scenarios. It’s easier to offer some possible retorts if we know what her bullying behavior looks like. What does “snarkiness” sound like?

Example: "I'm here to see her (not name but "her") not you!" unsolicited, when baby was first born. Basically, any rude example is not beyond MIL, as she has a problem with a few things about me. I don't say much to her, for obvious reasons. I don't want to get caught up in specific examples, however - suffice to say she likes to insert the zingers, unsolicited, when DH is is not present, no one is present, whenever possible. OP here.

MIL: I’m here to see her, not you!
You: Excuse me, you’re going to have to leave now. I will not allow you or anyone to speak rudely to me. Please leave now.

The test will when she reports it to your husband. Your marriage will be on the line. I pray that his response is the right one: “Mom, you cannot speak that way to me or my wife. I support her 1000% on this. Let us know when you’re ready to be respecful and we’ll set up another time for you to visit with Larla. Have a great evening.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what exactly does she do/say? Give a couple of scenarios. It’s easier to offer some possible retorts if we know what her bullying behavior looks like. What does “snarkiness” sound like?

Example: "I'm here to see her (not name but "her") not you!" unsolicited, when baby was first born. Basically, any rude example is not beyond MIL, as she has a problem with a few things about me. I don't say much to her, for obvious reasons. I don't want to get caught up in specific examples, however - suffice to say she likes to insert the zingers, unsolicited, when DH is is not present, no one is present, whenever possible. OP here.

You are the gatekeeper to your child. DH needs to be on board with that fact.

What if DH isn't around? The issue is not the child, BTW it is how MIL talks to me. Which is why I am looking for snarky responses to a snarky woman. I think I am trying to explain to much here (thus getting side railed), it is a rather straightforward question. OP here.

There’s no snarky zinger, OP. As a PP noted, you don’t want to stoop to her level. You want to speak to her in a way where no one could accuse you of being mean or nasty. Assertive? Yes. But not nasty like her. That’s not where you want to go. So take PP’s advice above and just tell her to leave. Be a broken record: It’s time for you to leave. Or if you’re somewhere , you leave and take the kid. “I can’t stay where I’m be treated with disrespect.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what exactly does she do/say? Give a couple of scenarios. It’s easier to offer some possible retorts if we know what her bullying behavior looks like. What does “snarkiness” sound like?

Example: "I'm here to see her (not name but "her") not you!" unsolicited, when baby was first born. Basically, any rude example is not beyond MIL, as she has a problem with a few things about me. I don't say much to her, for obvious reasons. I don't want to get caught up in specific examples, however - suffice to say she likes to insert the zingers, unsolicited, when DH is is not present, no one is present, whenever possible. OP here.

A couple of different ways you could handle this. But the best thing is to get to a place where you do not care about her or what she says AT ALL. It would be good if you could consider her mentally ill and an object of pity. But, since that's asking a lot, then just respond to her bluntly and directly. "I'm here to see her not you!" can get a response like "Well, unfortunately for you, she lives with me. And it's important to us -- and non-negotiable -- that she sees her grandmother treating her mother with respect." If her comment was unprovoked, then say "Larla, nobody asked you who you are here to see." Keep calm and polite, like you would talk to a stranger or a tantrumy child. "Larla, you seem cranky. Maybe you need a snack/nap." Don't let her get to you, and don't let her see that she's getting to you. If she gets to you, in her mind she has won. If you don't care and don't let her get to you, then you have won.

[Anonymous]

If your entire relationship is nothing but snarky zingers back and forth, your child will be caught in the middle. I doubt that’s the example of family relationships that you want.

Boundaries are what you need and then religiously defend them. Leave the room/house/restaurant. If she only attacks you when the two of you are alone, refuse to be alone with her and tell everybody why. If your husband won’r or can’t back you up, you have a husband problem.

[Anonymous]

agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your entire relationship is nothing but snarky zingers back and forth, your child will be caught in the middle. I doubt that’s the example of family relationships that you want.

Boundaries are what you need and then religiously defend them. Leave the room/house/restaurant. If she only attacks you when the two of you are alone, refuse to be alone with her and tell everybody why. If your husband won’r or can’t back you up, you have a husband problem.

The problem is that MIL has everything in the world to be grateful for, but if she thinks someone has it better than her, then hell hath no fury. MIL needs to be ignored, or laughed at, not entertained.