Dealing with hard to please MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what exactly does she do/say? Give a couple of scenarios. It’s easier to offer some possible retorts if we know what her bullying behavior looks like. What does “snarkiness” sound like?

Example: "I'm here to see her (not name but "her") not you!" unsolicited, when baby was first born. Basically, any rude example is not beyond MIL, as she has a problem with a few things about me. I don't say much to her, for obvious reasons. I don't want to get caught up in specific examples, however - suffice to say she likes to insert the zingers, unsolicited, when DH is is not present, no one is present, whenever possible. OP here.

A couple of different ways you could handle this. But the best thing is to get to a place where you do not care about her or what she says AT ALL. It would be good if you could consider her mentally ill and an object of pity. But, since that's asking a lot, then just respond to her bluntly and directly. "I'm here to see her not you!" can get a response like "Well, unfortunately for you, she lives with me. And it's important to us -- and non-negotiable -- that she sees her grandmother treating her mother with respect." If her comment was unprovoked, then say "Larla, nobody asked you who you are here to see." Keep calm and polite, like you would talk to a stranger or a tantrumy child. "Larla, you seem cranky. Maybe you need a snack/nap." Don't let her get to you, and don't let her see that she's getting to you. If she gets to you, in her mind she has won. If you don't care and don't let her get to you, then you have won.

+1

[Anonymous]

+2

Rude people do not get "a pass" because they are family. When in doubt, imagine how you would handle any other rude person you might encounter. Seniority doesn't matter either.

[Anonymous]

Why is your DH leaving you alone with this vile, hateful woman? That's the first thing to address. Second is this is his mother, his problem. He has to be the one to call out inappropriate behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what exactly does she do/say? Give a couple of scenarios. It’s easier to offer some possible retorts if we know what her bullying behavior looks like. What does “snarkiness” sound like?

Example: "I'm here to see her (not name but "her") not you!" unsolicited, when baby was first born. Basically, any rude example is not beyond MIL, as she has a problem with a few things about me. I don't say much to her, for obvious reasons. I don't want to get caught up in specific examples, however - suffice to say she likes to insert the zingers, unsolicited, when DH is is not present, no one is present, whenever possible. OP here.

You are the gatekeeper to your child. DH needs to be on board with that fact.

What if DH isn't around? The issue is not the child, BTW it is how MIL talks to me. Which is why I am looking for snarky responses to a snarky woman. I think I am trying to explain to much here (thus getting side railed), it is a rather straightforward question. OP here.

Best thing you can do is call her out on her behavior. These types of MILs are from an older generation and abhor confrontation. When she says something mean, simple respond with, “oh wow. That’s so mean. You hurt my feelings.” Keep doing it. “Wow that’s not very nice. Why would you say that?” Repeat. She’ll evenially stop. She won’t stop if you stoop to her level and say mean things back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what exactly does she do/say? Give a couple of scenarios. It’s easier to offer some possible retorts if we know what her bullying behavior looks like. What does “snarkiness” sound like?

Example: "I'm here to see her (not name but "her") not you!" unsolicited, when baby was first born. Basically, any rude example is not beyond MIL, as she has a problem with a few things about me. I don't say much to her, for obvious reasons. I don't want to get caught up in specific examples, however - suffice to say she likes to insert the zingers, unsolicited, when DH is is not present, no one is present, whenever possible. OP here.

A couple of different ways you could handle this. But the best thing is to get to a place where you do not care about her or what she says AT ALL. It would be good if you could consider her mentally ill and an object of pity. But, since that's asking a lot, then just respond to her bluntly and directly. "I'm here to see her not you!" can get a response like "Well, unfortunately for you, she lives with me. And it's important to us -- and non-negotiable -- that she sees her grandmother treating her mother with respect." If her comment was unprovoked, then say "Larla, nobody asked you who you are here to see." Keep calm and polite, like you would talk to a stranger or a tantrumy child. "Larla, you seem cranky. Maybe you need a snack/nap." Don't let her get to you, and don't let her see that she's getting to you. If she gets to you, in her mind she has won. If you don't care and don't let her get to you, then you have won.

This.

+1

[Anonymous]

I think you need to call her out on her rude comments without stopping to her level.

"I'm here to see her, not you."
"That is such a rude and hurtful thing to say. I don't allow people to be rude to me in my house so you need to leave now. Maybe we can schedule another visit soon if you're willing to be kind and respectful."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+2

Rude people do not get "a pass" because they are family. When in doubt, imagine how you would handle any other rude person you might encounter. Seniority doesn't matter either.

+1

I think MIL's generation thinks DIL will kowtow because of age. HA!

The thing is, if it is a rude stranger, you just assume that they are mentally ill and do not warrant a response. But this MIL seems to be just begging for it: "DAFUQ? Wanna go, byotch?" :throws down chardonnay glass:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is your DH leaving you alone with this vile, hateful woman? That's the first thing to address. Second is this is his mother, his problem. He has to be the one to call out inappropriate behavior.

But this MIL will not act this way in front of witnesses.

[Anonymous]

OP, I got those private Zingers, too.

I just left the room with the baby. Made sure she and I were never alone together.

Eventually it worked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is your DH leaving you alone with this vile, hateful woman? That's the first thing to address. Second is this is his mother, his problem. He has to be the one to call out inappropriate behavior.

But this MIL will not act this way in front of witnesses.

Is spouse not believing her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is your DH leaving you alone with this vile, hateful woman? That's the first thing to address. Second is this is his mother, his problem. He has to be the one to call out inappropriate behavior.

But this MIL will not act this way in front of witnesses.

Is spouse not believing her?

If you have to be alone with her, record her. Easy enough on an iPhone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is your DH leaving you alone with this vile, hateful woman? That's the first thing to address. Second is this is his mother, his problem. He has to be the one to call out inappropriate behavior.

But this MIL will not act this way in front of witnesses.

Is spouse not believing her?

If you have to be alone with her, record her. Easy enough on an iPhone.

Hard to predict the zingers, in passing.

[Anonymous]

Where's your DH in all this? If nothing else, he needs to make sure you don't get left alone with his mom. And, he might have a little chat with her about being kinder to you.

Also, skip a few visits. There's no need for you to go every time, he can go visit his family without you.

Finally, all communication goes through DH, if it doesn't already. The less she's part of your day to day life, the better. DH handles all calling, all holiday gifts, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what exactly does she do/say? Give a couple of scenarios. It’s easier to offer some possible retorts if we know what her bullying behavior looks like. What does “snarkiness” sound like?

Example: "I'm here to see her (not name but "her") not you!" unsolicited, when baby was first born. Basically, any rude example is not beyond MIL, as she has a problem with a few things about me. I don't say much to her, for obvious reasons. I don't want to get caught up in specific examples, however - suffice to say she likes to insert the zingers, unsolicited, when DH is is not present, no one is present, whenever possible. OP here.

DP I first want to say that I do understand your frustration as my DH has an Aunt who is very blunt with you but, can't take the same treatment back. It is a different situation in that we don't have to see her very often and we all talk about how mean she can be.

Just to present another scenario though: Sometimes when we get on a bad cycle with someone everything they say is taken the wrong way. For example, tone really does matter and if your above situation was told in a light hearted way you would be able to laugh. Of course she is there to meet the baby! The baby is a new member of the family where is she already knows you. Granted if you already have a poor relationship it may come off as rude and who knows it might very well be. But, I could see my mom or mil saying this and but because we have a good relationship I would laugh and hand them the baby.

If she is really as awful as you say I think the best way to handle is silence. Most people can't handle it and it will get the point across. That and not being alone with her if possible.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Look her in the eye, tilt your head slightly, pause, and say, "why would you say something like that?" Then let the silence sit for a while...