Dealing with hard to please MIL
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| There are no snarky comments you can make that will cause her to back off. She's been at this a lot longer than you have. Be unfailingly polite, but do not put up with rude comments. I'd go with, "What an unkind thing to say." And then walk away. Every time. Don't argue, don't engage. |
Anonymous
| A lot of patience and a lot of pretending not to hear what she says. Because I’ve learned that no matter what I or anyone else says, it’s not going to change her now at almost 70. Good luck! |
Anonymous
| Same as the PP. I can't change her. She has too much baggage from before me and before my kids -- insecure around her friends/gossipy, had marital problems with FIL (he was unfaithful), competitive with her sister, became extremely religious (at a church that is full of people I think are racist and nutty). Unfortunately she is obsessed with my kid and acts like she owns him (shoos me away when he is crying to nurse, tells him how his mommy and daddy keep him from grandma). I just try to limit my kid's exposure to things like her church. |
Anonymous
| Bracing for this with my own mom in a few weeks. She cannot help nitpicking everything or criticizing me. I've always just limited our time together and white knuckled my way through the meetings. But I've sort of had enough recently. I"m prepared to call her on it this time. "Wow, I'm not sure why you thought it was a nice thing to comment on the weight I've gained. Because it's really mean." Then move on. |
Anonymous
| I would play up that she's too old to fight with. Simpler at her and kind of shake your head in an indulgent way. Talk a bit louder to her. |
Anonymous
|
So I have an insanely difficult MIL. Like you, all her family agrees she's awful but no one wants to deal with her.
I absolutely have used the confrontation method. "Why did you ____ ??" If she says "OMG you are making a mountain out of a molehill relax" I respond, "no, why did you do that? Why?" Until she backs down. The other thing I do is be critical back. For example, she thinks our house and furniture is junky. So if she starts in on that stuff, I say, "Well I love my table and am glad I'm not worried about my small children damaging it, but why did you spend $20k on a dining table? Can't you think of better things to do with the money? My friend is fundraising for lawyers to represent asylum seekers, isn't that a better use of the money?" Now. Of COURSE this didn't turn her into a kind person. But now she fears me and actually tells her sisters I am abusive and domineering. But they know her so no one is buying it. |
Anonymous
No. We're not going to help you to be immature and passive-aggressive and mean. We're going to force you to go high when she goes low and be the better person. |
Anonymous
|
“It’s clear you don’t like me. That in turn makes it very hard for me to find good in you. If you don’t wish to have a relationship with me, then that’s the way we’ll do it. I have a family so it’s not like I honestly need any relationship with you.”
If you have DH on board you can try “I hoped you could be kind to (Wife) so it would encourage us to bring DD to you. Clearly that’s not going to work. We will not allow our child to be hurt by your comments. I will visit occasionally but DD and (wife) will not come just to be disrespected. You did this to yourself with your meanness and snarky comments.” |
Anonymous
I strongly agree with this approach. I am not confrontational and in my own situation asking someone to leave would jut not work for me. But these things I could do. It's helped me to understand MIL as someone who is an object of pity. And then you can just be no nonsense and unaffected. A wow with blinks might work, too. Oh just, Oh, Barbara when she says something outrageous. If everyone is just used to shrugging it all off, then I think your best strategy is to learn to shrug it off. She won't change. Maybe in your particular example, a wry, "well, at least I know where I stand." That way you're sort of calling her out without really calling her out. Watch her carefully with your child though. In my case, turns out child and grandma have a close relationship. And so I can just exit and diminish my time with MIL. But as my children have reached puberty, I'm growing concerned they will assert themselves in a way that will annoy MIL and the wrath will be turned onto them. So after a few years of not worrying ot much about it, I'm back to high alert. |
Anonymous
I’ve found that telling people like this that you’re hurt opens you up even more. Don’t expose any more vulnerability. Just say, that behavior is unacceptable and go or tell them they need to go, or make it even simpler and just say ok time to go, no explanation given. No need to bare the deep wounds to your soul to them. It gives them power and ammunition. |
Anonymous
| You could always try the "Well, bless your heart" response to anything snarky. |
Anonymous
| One other thing you might try is to say, "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you, could you repeat that?" Make her repeat her snarkiness. |
Anonymous
"Well, you don't get to see her without me, that's how this works, any questions?" |
Anonymous
| Another MIL thread. Yawn. |
Anonymous
|
Ugh, my mom is like this. I've tried various things (no direct confrontation though - she can't handle it) and one thing that works pretty well for me is just laughing. I try to laugh in a "what you said is so absurd you must have been attempting to be humorous" way or in a way where she might just think I'm laughing at her. It's kind of zinger-ish because she takes herself and everything in her life very seriously.
|