First holiday as family

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend has 2 kids and we’ve decided this relationship is permanent. I don’t have kids of my own but I’ve had a huge role in my niece’s life. My sister was very ill and needed my help and I became like a second mother. This is relevant, I promise. My boyfriend is military and is currently stationed away. Chances are wherever we go as a family will be far away from both of our families.

This weekend he will be bringing his kids home to our home state. This is their first time coming here and let’s face it, it’s going to be a huge adjustment. This is our first holiday blending together and now we have pressure from extended family.

I had planned on taking the kids to play with my niece and made arrangements with my sister and everything. Well today my BF’s mom texts me inviting us to their family get together and they don’t even know times or anything. I told my BF that I’ve never missed a 4th of July with my niece and it’s also the day before her birthday so it’s extra special. I know that this is most likely my last year for a long time for this opportunity.

BF thinks I’m being a jerk and only thinking of my family. I understand but I’m starting to feel like I’m the only one making sacrifices and compromises. I’m moving away, putting my career on hold and while I absolutely adore his kids taking on 2 kids is a huge life change. How would you handle this?

[Anonymous]

You have made arrangements. At minimum he shoudn't be calling you selfish. Can you not text BF's mom back and say that you already have plans but you absolutely want to get together that week...would Thursday work?

Or perhaps divide and conquer? If you're moving overseas for this guy without a ring he should have more compassion for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have made arrangements. At minimum he shoudn't be calling you selfish. Can you not text BF's mom back and say that you already have plans but you absolutely want to get together that week...would Thursday work?

Or perhaps divide and conquer? If you're moving overseas for this guy without a ring he should have more compassion for you.

I’m assuming his mom reached out to him too and made him feel bad. I wrote her back and thanked her for the invite and let her know that I would discuss it with BF and let her know. She seems mad. She’s only interested in seeing her grandkids and it’s like I’m that jerk in the way of that. I try so hard with his mom. I even drove her 18 hours all together so that she could see the kids.

[Anonymous]

I would stick with th plans you have with your niece, if they are already made.

I know it’s nice to think so, but you’re not a family yet. Your actual familyand niece are still the most important ones in your life.

It sounds like you wil “have” the kids together all weekend. You will have plenty of time to be with them. Personally, I don’t think that some time apart for 4th celebrations is such a bad thing at this point (just meeting /first time for an extended trip). It may actually be good for them to have some just dad/grandma time.

The thing is, both families are always going to be a consideration in the future. It’s not “your” family vs. “his” family. Someone is always going to “get” Christmas or 4th of July, or whatever. Compromise, flexibility, and sometimes thinking outside the box, are always going to make it possible for your relationship to continue. What so often happens is the loudest family gets the most time, resentment builds up... and things fall apart. Set your boundaries now that YOUR family is important too, and that you have every right to think of them as just as important as he thinks of his.

I know blending a family is hard, but you don’t have to give up everything to do it. That’s not up to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would stick with th plans you have with your niece, if they are already made.

I know it’s nice to think so, but you’re not a family yet. Your actual familyand niece are still the most important ones in your life.

It sounds like you wil “have” the kids together all weekend. You will have plenty of time to be with them. Personally, I don’t think that some time apart for 4th celebrations is such a bad thing at this point (just meeting /first time for an extended trip). It may actually be good for them to have some just dad/grandma time.

The thing is, both families are always going to be a consideration in the future. It’s not “your” family vs. “his” family. Someone is always going to “get” Christmas or 4th of July, or whatever. Compromise, flexibility, and sometimes thinking outside the box, are always going to make it possible for your relationship to continue. What so often happens is the loudest family gets the most time, resentment builds up... and things fall apart. Set your boundaries now that YOUR family is important too, and that you have every right to think of them as just as important as he thinks of his.

I know blending a family is hard, but you don’t have to give up everything to do it. That’s not up to you.

The kids know me well. They aren’t just meeting me. This trip is about them meeting the rest of the family. I’m thinking about the kids too when making these decisions. I mean imagine being 3 and meeting 50 people at once. Then add drinking and loud fireworks. She’s shy. I fully understand him wanting to include his family but I think it should be grandparents(they’ve never met his stepdad) and then slowly adding more family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would stick with th plans you have with your niece, if they are already made.

I know it’s nice to think so, but you’re not a family yet. Your actual familyand niece are still the most important ones in your life.

It sounds like you wil “have” the kids together all weekend. You will have plenty of time to be with them. Personally, I don’t think that some time apart for 4th celebrations is such a bad thing at this point (just meeting /first time for an extended trip). It may actually be good for them to have some just dad/grandma time.

The thing is, both families are always going to be a consideration in the future. It’s not “your” family vs. “his” family. Someone is always going to “get” Christmas or 4th of July, or whatever. Compromise, flexibility, and sometimes thinking outside the box, are always going to make it possible for your relationship to continue. What so often happens is the loudest family gets the most time, resentment builds up... and things fall apart. Set your boundaries now that YOUR family is important too, and that you have every right to think of them as just as important as he thinks of his.

I know blending a family is hard, but you don’t have to give up everything to do it. That’s not up to you.

The kids know me well. They aren’t just meeting me. This trip is about them meeting the rest of the family. I’m thinking about the kids too when making these decisions. I mean imagine being 3 and meeting 50 people at once. Then add drinking and loud fireworks. She’s shy. I fully understand him wanting to include his family but I think it should be grandparents(they’ve never met his stepdad) and then slowly adding more family.

Honestly, this seems like a different objection. You are completely in the right to want to spend the 4th, as planned, with your niece. You do not get to take the lead in deciding the best way for them to meet their dad's family; you can voice your opinion, but that is not your call. Couching your reasonable point in terms of that unreasonable justification is not going to help your case and will only rub everyone the wrong way. Just say that you are busy between x and y times (whenever you're seeing the niece) and you will bring the boys to see grandma and co at any other time (since it sounds like they don't have firm plans anyway) if that's what your BF/their dad wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would stick with th plans you have with your niece, if they are already made.

I know it’s nice to think so, but you’re not a family yet. Your actual familyand niece are still the most important ones in your life.

It sounds like you wil “have” the kids together all weekend. You will have plenty of time to be with them. Personally, I don’t think that some time apart for 4th celebrations is such a bad thing at this point (just meeting /first time for an extended trip). It may actually be good for them to have some just dad/grandma time.

The thing is, both families are always going to be a consideration in the future. It’s not “your” family vs. “his” family. Someone is always going to “get” Christmas or 4th of July, or whatever. Compromise, flexibility, and sometimes thinking outside the box, are always going to make it possible for your relationship to continue. What so often happens is the loudest family gets the most time, resentment builds up... and things fall apart. Set your boundaries now that YOUR family is important too, and that you have every right to think of them as just as important as he thinks of his.

I know blending a family is hard, but you don’t have to give up everything to do it. That’s not up to you.

Remember, if you marry this guy, you are stuck with his mother until she dies. And if this guy is already calling you names when he doesn’t get his way, that also isn’t a good sign. I would not give up anything/move anywhere with this guy until you have a proposal (maybe even marriage) and a well-thought-out plan (with discussions) about what your future will look like (holidays, family responsibilities, finanaces, etc.).

The kids know me well. They aren’t just meeting me. This trip is about them meeting the rest of the family. I’m thinking about the kids too when making these decisions. I mean imagine being 3 and meeting 50 people at once. Then add drinking and loud fireworks. She’s shy. I fully understand him wanting to include his family but I think it should be grandparents(they’ve never met his stepdad) and then slowly adding more family.

Honestly, this seems like a different objection. You are completely in the right to want to spend the 4th, as planned, with your niece. You do not get to take the lead in deciding the best way for them to meet their dad's family; you can voice your opinion, but that is not your call. Couching your reasonable point in terms of that unreasonable justification is not going to help your case and will only rub everyone the wrong way. Just say that you are busy between x and y times (whenever you're seeing the niece) and you will bring the boys to see grandma and co at any other time (since it sounds like they don't have firm plans anyway) if that's what your BF/their dad wants.

[Anonymous]

Remember, if you marry this guy, you are stuck with his mother until she dies. And if this guy is already calling you names when he doesn’t get his way, that also isn’t a good sign. I would not give up anything/move anywhere with this guy until you have a proposal (maybe even marriage) and a well-thought-out plan (with discussions) about what your future will look like (holidays, family responsibilities, finanaces, etc.).

[Anonymous]

It's not about being selfish but about manners. You already made plans for that date/time.

[Anonymous]

This is similar to what newly married couples handle. The key is to communicate. Which holidays and family celebrations are important to him? Which are important to you? How will you guys handle those things going forward?

For the Fourth of July, can you visit your family in the morning or early afternoon and visit his in the evening? Diving holidays after marriage generally involves a lot of comporomise.

[Anonymous]

I'm not clear on why this is a problem. You go see your niece, and he takes his kids to his family thing.

Why are you moving and giving up your job and making sacrifices for his kids, without being married? What is he giving up for you?

[Anonymous]

OP,
What do you mean your bf is bringing his kids home? Like, for a visit? Or are they moving in?

[Anonymous]

You should go to your sister's as planned and BF should take the kids to see their grandmother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The kids know me well. They aren’t just meeting me. This trip is about them meeting the rest of the family. I’m thinking about the kids too when making these decisions. I mean imagine being 3 and meeting 50 people at once. Then add drinking and loud fireworks. She’s shy. I fully understand him wanting to include his family but I think it should be grandparents(they’ve never met his stepdad) and then slowly adding more family.

That's not really up to you. You are overstepping even for a stepmother and certainly for a girlfriend. Sorry if that sounds harsh; I don't mean it to be.

[Anonymous]

How is it that the children have never met their extended family?