First holiday as family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The kids know me well. They aren’t just meeting me. This trip is about them meeting the rest of the family. I’m thinking about the kids too when making these decisions. I mean imagine being 3 and meeting 50 people at once. Then add drinking and loud fireworks. She’s shy. I fully understand him wanting to include his family but I think it should be grandparents(they’ve never met his stepdad) and then slowly adding more family.

That's not really up to you. You are overstepping even for a stepmother and certainly for a girlfriend. Sorry if that sounds harsh; I don't mean it to be.

This. It's not up to you to make this kind of decision. He is their parent and he decides. It is his responsibility to build their relationship to his family. Not yours, even if he drops the ball. And if you think he is doing it wrong, why are you with him?

Seems like you are giving up a lot for a guy who won't marry you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don’t quite understand your whole story (or follow up post), but I’m going to call it like I see it.

Consider this the first peeing match in your relationship with your MIL, so I’m going to tell you to start setting clear boundaries now. She’s already setting you against your BF, by making you the bad guy if she doesn’t see her grandkids on the 4th. She knows you have plans, as I’m sure BF told her, but she texted you, not him, about plans on the 4th so YOU had to say no. The fact of him playing into it doesn’t give me good vibes.

However awesome your relationship is, whatever you I feel about the kids - this is the first line drawn in the sand regarding your family vs. His, and I suggest you pay attention.

[Anonymous]

With the divorce rate, marriage isn’t permanent these days. You may have decided your relationship is permanent, but that will mean zilch to Uncle Sam if your boyfriend dies or if you need healthcare. Why on earth would you uproot your life for a man who won’t give you the type of security that you would receive if you were his legal wife? I completely get why someone would not want to get married and just live together, but you are going to be making major sacrifices for him and his career and getting nothing in return if he bails on you. Tell this man you need a ring and a date. You can just go to the courthouse and sign the license if neither of you wants a big wedding. Without being his legal wife, you won’t have military health insurance or survivor benefits. Don’t be a doormat, op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the only one making sacrifices and compromises. I’m moving away, putting my career on hold and while I absolutely adore his kids taking on 2 kids is a huge life change. How would you handle this?

I know that this is not the advice you are looking for, but I'm cautioning you against moving, putting career on hold, etc. while not being married. If it doesn't work out, you've got nothing. This makes you completely dependent on his largesse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the only one making sacrifices and compromises. I’m moving away, putting my career on hold and while I absolutely adore his kids taking on 2 kids is a huge life change. How would you handle this?

I know that this is not the advice you are looking for, but I'm cautioning you against moving, putting career on hold, etc. while not being married. If it doesn't work out, you've got nothing. This makes you completely dependent on his largesse.

+1

And prey to his family

[Anonymous]

^^
Also OP, go spend the 4th with your family if your bf wants to spend it with his. His mother doesn’t think this is permanent because he hasn’t put a ring on your finger. You are just his current gf who is preventing her from seeing her grandchildren. Who knows how long y’all will be gone and when she will see them again? If this is the last time in a while they will get to spend a holiday with their family, tell your boyfriend that he should take them to his mother’s and have a great time. His mom has no idea that your niece is like your daughter; she just wants to see her son and her grandbabies. Being with their actual family is more important than meeting their father’s girlfriend’s family. If y’all were married and this was Christmas, I’d say otherwise if you had already made plans with your family. It’s the 4th and y’all are just dating, no matter how “permanent” you think this is.

[Anonymous]

Im a bit confused by the post.

You do what you planned to do, and you treat your boyfriend's kids as if they were your own.

I suggest you think about marrying. There are serious challenges to being a military spouse and you are just making it harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the only one making sacrifices and compromises. I’m moving away, putting my career on hold and while I absolutely adore his kids taking on 2 kids is a huge life change. How would you handle this?

I know that this is not the advice you are looking for, but I'm cautioning you against moving, putting career on hold, etc. while not being married. If it doesn't work out, you've got nothing. This makes you completely dependent on his largesse.

+1

And prey to his family

+2 There is NO WAY I would give up what you are giving up without the perks of marriage.

[Anonymous]

You need to be with someone who puts you first. I do not mean in regards to the kids, kids always come first, I mean above his mother. My husband had trouble with this, and it almost ended our marriage. Once he saw what was really happening he immediately had my back, and things have been wonderful for us (okay with the inlaws, tolerable I guess) since. You need to have a talk with your BF NOW about how to handle these types of situations.

Also does he know how you feel about moving? I'm betting you're acting like it's all rainbows, you're so excited, except you're really not 100% on board. You don't want to put your career on hold, nor leave everything, but you love him and it sounds like you are really trying to please him. You need to stop that first off. I mean yes, there's give and take in any relationship, but yours sounds like you are giving a lot and he isn't. Although I realize we are only getting a small portion of the story.

Either way, if my post makes you immediately defense about him, you may want to stop and think about your relationship. Don't let yourself be 100% dependent on someone, even a BF.

[Anonymous]

Btw Op, there's no "permanent" unless you are married

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not clear on why this is a problem. You go see your niece, and he takes his kids to his family thing.

Why are you moving and giving up your job and making sacrifices for his kids, without being married? What is he giving up for you?

And your post sounds like you aren't ready yet.

If you are going to be the primary caregiver for these kids, then you can't be second fiddle. If you are second fiddle, then you are the maid or the doormat.

He needs to respect that his mom can't just mix things up at the last second after plans are made.

You, meanwhile, should go see your niece.

[Anonymous]

This should be a HUGE red flag! Personally, I would give a lot of thought to the fact that he is controlling and manipulative and move on fast. It will only get worse.

[Anonymous]

Oh honey, you’re in for a long road of being a “stepmom” (quotes because you’re just a girlfriend).

Ditto to all PPs who think you’re a buffoon for all the sacrifices you’re making for this boyfriend and his kids. You’re a glorified babysitter with none of the commitment.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to give an update. BF is in the process of becoming the primary custodial parent. It’s a lot of drama as to why but mostly their mother just won’t get her life together. The court was sympathetic and gave her a set amount of time to get a suitable place etc and she hasn’t. This trip is a big deal because the kids haven’t met anyone in the extended family except his mother. Both BF and I do make sure that his mother is able to see the kids. They will be staying with me for 2 weeks(I currently live in his home town, I’m just with him 75% of the time). We are getting married next year. When we went to court last it was agreed that the kids Mom would do xyz and we agreed in front of the judge that we would not get married until 2019 to help with some of the confrontation. I know this is a lot. It will be me taking care of the kids and they’ll be moving in to my house next year so this trip is important.

[Anonymous]

As far as the 4th celebrations we will be spending the afternoon with his family and evening with mine.