When/how to tell child (and older siblings) that dad is not biological father?

[Anonymous]

The husband and wife have one older child, a 5-year-old son. Last year, the couple separated. During the separation, the wife had a brief relationship with a new man that resulted in pregnancy. That relationship ended. The wife found out she was pregnant. The father of the child has zero interest in being involved in the child's life.

Toward the end of the wife's pregnancy, she reconciled with her husband. She has since given birth. There is no issue with explaining it to the husband or wife's families- everyone knows about their separation in 2017 and the reasons for it.

It is (physically) clear that the husband is not the biological father of the daughter.

The wife wants to be honest with the daughter about her origins. There are many stories of people who found out their dad wasn't their "real" dad later on in life (teens or later) and understandably feel betrayed and lied to. The wife likes the approach many people take with their adopted children, where the story of how they came to the family is told to them from the start. But how would that work in this particular situation?

The question is, what is an appropriate age to tell the daughter? And how should it be approached? And how can it be explained to the now five-year old son? And, if you'd like to throw in bonus opinions, you can offer your input on how to introduce the daughter to her biological father's non-American culture when the biological dad won't be around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The husband and wife have one older child, a 5-year-old son. Last year, the couple separated. During the separation, the wife had a brief relationship with a new man that resulted in pregnancy. That relationship ended. The wife found out she was pregnant. The father of the child has zero interest in being involved in the child's life.

Toward the end of the wife's pregnancy, she reconciled with her husband. She has since given birth. There is no issue with explaining it to the husband or wife's families- everyone knows about their separation in 2017 and the reasons for it.

It is (physically) clear that the husband is not the biological father of the daughter.

The wife wants to be honest with the daughter about her origins. There are many stories of people who found out their dad wasn't their "real" dad later on in life (teens or later) and understandably feel betrayed and lied to. The wife likes the approach many people take with their adopted children, where the story of how they came to the family is told to them from the start. But how would that work in this particular situation?

The question is, what is an appropriate age to tell the daughter? And how should it be approached? And how can it be explained to the now five-year old son? And, if you'd like to throw in bonus opinions, you can offer your input on how to introduce the daughter to her biological father's non-American culture when the biological dad won't be around.

I think it should be approached early, as with children in more typical adopted families. Will the husband be adopting the child? I think the story you told in your OP is the story you tell the child. Mommy and daddy (am assuming new baby calls the DH daddy) had some big fights and were not together. Mommy started dating and became pregnant. However, Mommy and the new man realized they didn't love each other. But still, Mommy loved the baby so much and Daddy also loved the baby and they realized how much they also love each other so they got back together and that is how the family grew. Then answer questions. Heres one thing I learned as an adoptive mom and friends with other adoptive parents. The kids care a LOT about the mom and ask a lot more questions about the mom than the dad. My kids have shown very little interest in their bio dads, although that may change. Questions are all about the mom.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who grew up in this situation, also biracial. She was told her whole life that her mother had been raped. Her mom was pretty awful in many ways. She ended up finding her bio dad as an adult (he had no idea she existed) and now has a great relationship with the dad and his side and a very strained relationship with mom. Don't do that.

[Anonymous]

Kids can understand things better than most people give them credit for.

Sometime around the time she's 3 or 4 I would say something like, 'Larla, you might have noticed that your skin is a different color from your brother Tony. This is because you are half Chinese. We wanted to tell you this because we want you to know how amazing your culture is. Tony is not Chinese because he had a different daddy than you do. Mommy and Daddy loved each other very much when they had Tony but they had a fight and didn't live together for a little while. Mommy fell in love with another man who is your biological daddy. Biological means you have some of his blood. But Daddy is your real daddy because he loves you and is going to love you for the rest of your life. We love you very much and now I want to read you this book about a little Chinese girl so you can learn a little bit about this part of you."

And then just talk about it openly from there on out.

[Anonymous]

"Your biological father was a man named Steve who I had a relationship with for a few months. You know what the best thing was that I got from that relationship? YOU! This is the only picture I have of him." And then move on.

[Anonymous]

As soon as she notices and asks questions. Same as where babies come from. It's a fact of her life and great the mom is thinking of telling her. Dad means different things and she can have a dad who helped make her and a different dad who is her daddy who raised her. Age 4 for a girl would be about when, I think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Your biological father was a man named Steve who I had a relationship with for a few months. You know what the best thing was that I got from that relationship? YOU! This is the only picture I have of him." And then move on.

This, don't overcomplicate it. In adoption you say that your birthparents couldn't take care of you and placed you with us. Simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Your biological father was a man named Steve who I had a relationship with for a few months. You know what the best thing was that I got from that relationship? YOU! This is the only picture I have of him." And then move on.

This is good. However, her husband will be the actual dad who will raise her. She needs to add that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Your biological father was a man named Steve who I had a relationship with for a few months. You know what the best thing was that I got from that relationship? YOU! This is the only picture I have of him." And then move on.

This is good. However, her husband will be the actual dad who will raise her. She needs to add that.

I would refer to her husband as "Daddy/Dad/Pops" and the sperm donor as "Your biological father" which will make it clear.

[Anonymous]

"Before a baby is born, the woman's body uses an egg and a sperm from a man's body to make the baby. My body and my eggs made both of you, but the sperm that made you came from a different person from the sperm that made Larlo. After the baby is born, the Daddy is the person who takes care of it. Daddy is your Daddy and Larlo's Daddy."

I'd leave out the relationship and the fights and the separation unless and until those questions come up. It may be less than she'd expect, as situations where the sperm and the egg and the social parentage are separate from each other become more common, and more talked-about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Your biological father was a man named Steve who I had a relationship with for a few months. You know what the best thing was that I got from that relationship? YOU! This is the only picture I have of him." And then move on.

This is good. However, her husband will be the actual dad who will raise her. She needs to add that.

In less the man adopts the child, no he is not the "actual" dad. Some states will allow him on the birth certificate as they are married but he is not the real dad in less he adopts. This child will have two dads - biological and mom's husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Before a baby is born, the woman's body uses an egg and a sperm from a man's body to make the baby. My body and my eggs made both of you, but the sperm that made you came from a different person from the sperm that made Larlo. After the baby is born, the Daddy is the person who takes care of it. Daddy is your Daddy and Larlo's Daddy."

I'd leave out the relationship and the fights and the separation unless and until those questions come up. It may be less than she'd expect, as situations where the sperm and the egg and the social parentage are separate from each other become more common, and more talked-about.

Really? You would tell a child that. Too complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The husband and wife have one older child, a 5-year-old son. Last year, the couple separated. During the separation, the wife had a brief relationship with a new man that resulted in pregnancy. That relationship ended. The wife found out she was pregnant. The father of the child has zero interest in being involved in the child's life.

Toward the end of the wife's pregnancy, she reconciled with her husband. She has since given birth. There is no issue with explaining it to the husband or wife's families- everyone knows about their separation in 2017 and the reasons for it.

It is (physically) clear that the husband is not the biological father of the daughter.

The wife wants to be honest with the daughter about her origins. There are many stories of people who found out their dad wasn't their "real" dad later on in life (teens or later) and understandably feel betrayed and lied to. The wife likes the approach many people take with their adopted children, where the story of how they came to the family is told to them from the start. But how would that work in this particular situation?

The question is, what is an appropriate age to tell the daughter? And how should it be approached? And how can it be explained to the now five-year old son? And, if you'd like to throw in bonus opinions, you can offer your input on how to introduce the daughter to her biological father's non-American culture when the biological dad won't be around.

I think it should be approached early, as with children in more typical adopted families. Will the husband be adopting the child? I think the story you told in your OP is the story you tell the child. Mommy and daddy (am assuming new baby calls the DH daddy) had some big fights and were not together. Mommy started dating and became pregnant. However, Mommy and the new man realized they didn't love each other. But still, Mommy loved the baby so much and Daddy also loved the baby and they realized how much they also love each other so they got back together and that is how the family grew. Then answer questions. Heres one thing I learned as an adoptive mom and friends with other adoptive parents. The kids care a LOT about the mom and ask a lot more questions about the mom than the dad. My kids have shown very little interest in their bio dads, although that may change. Questions are all about the mom.

Way too complicated. You are overthinking this. You don't talk about fights and all that. You keep it simple. And, you let the kids take the lead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The husband and wife have one older child, a 5-year-old son. Last year, the couple separated. During the separation, the wife had a brief relationship with a new man that resulted in pregnancy. That relationship ended. The wife found out she was pregnant. The father of the child has zero interest in being involved in the child's life.

Toward the end of the wife's pregnancy, she reconciled with her husband. She has since given birth. There is no issue with explaining it to the husband or wife's families- everyone knows about their separation in 2017 and the reasons for it.

It is (physically) clear that the husband is not the biological father of the daughter.

The wife wants to be honest with the daughter about her origins. There are many stories of people who found out their dad wasn't their "real" dad later on in life (teens or later) and understandably feel betrayed and lied to. The wife likes the approach many people take with their adopted children, where the story of how they came to the family is told to them from the start. But how would that work in this particular situation?

The question is, what is an appropriate age to tell the daughter? And how should it be approached? And how can it be explained to the now five-year old son? And, if you'd like to throw in bonus opinions, you can offer your input on how to introduce the daughter to her biological father's non-American culture when the biological dad won't be around.

First have the sperm donor sign off on the child if he hasn't. You want all the legal rights so he can't mess up her life if he gets a wild hair.

Have you asked your husband about adding his name on the BC? This is what I would do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Your biological father was a man named Steve who I had a relationship with for a few months. You know what the best thing was that I got from that relationship? YOU! This is the only picture I have of him." And then move on.

This is good. However, her husband will be the actual dad who will raise her. She needs to add that.

In less the man adopts the child, no he is not the "actual" dad. Some states will allow him on the birth certificate as they are married but he is not the real dad in less he adopts. This child will have two dads - biological and mom's husband.

Whoever is on the birth certificate is legally the father until proven otherwise. This has been done historically to give children legitimacy, back when illigitimacy was a crime and the kids had no rights, including no inheritance rights.