When/how to tell child (and older siblings) that dad is not biological father?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Before a baby is born, the woman's body uses an egg and a sperm from a man's body to make the baby. My body and my eggs made both of you, but the sperm that made you came from a different person from the sperm that made Larlo. After the baby is born, the Daddy is the person who takes care of it. Daddy is your Daddy and Larlo's Daddy."

I'd leave out the relationship and the fights and the separation unless and until those questions come up. It may be less than she'd expect, as situations where the sperm and the egg and the social parentage are separate from each other become more common, and more talked-about.

Really? You would tell a child that. Too complicated.

Sure. Not at 2 or 3, but at 4 or 5. My kid has lots of friends who are the result of sperm or egg donation, surrogates, adoption, whatever. Putting it that way sets up the realities of their existence as normal also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Your biological father was a man named Steve who I had a relationship with for a few months. You know what the best thing was that I got from that relationship? YOU! This is the only picture I have of him." And then move on.

This is good. However, her husband will be the actual dad who will raise her. She needs to add that.

In less the man adopts the child, no he is not the "actual" dad. Some states will allow him on the birth certificate as they are married but he is not the real dad in less he adopts. This child will have two dads - biological and mom's husband.

Whoever is on the birth certificate is legally the father until proven otherwise. This has been done historically to give children legitimacy, back when illigitimacy was a crime and the kids had no rights, including no inheritance rights.

Also, today there is only a finite time to change that. If she puts her husband and no one contests it he will be the legal father. This guy was informed and has probably lost all rights to be a legal father. It's like Arnold Schwarzenegger and his bio. kid. The legal father is still the ladies ex husband and cannot ever be changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Your biological father was a man named Steve who I had a relationship with for a few months. You know what the best thing was that I got from that relationship? YOU! This is the only picture I have of him." And then move on.

This is good. However, her husband will be the actual dad who will raise her. She needs to add that.

In less the man adopts the child, no he is not the "actual" dad. Some states will allow him on the birth certificate as they are married but he is not the real dad in less he adopts. This child will have two dads - biological and mom's husband.

Not true in MD. A friend moved ahead with her last frozen embryo while dating. A few weeks after BFP, her bf proposed. They married a month before the child was born. Legally his.

[Anonymous]

There are two parts to being a mom and two parts to being a dad - making the baby and being daddy / mommy. Sometimes the same person does both parts sometimes different people do the two parts.

I would tell the kid more something along these lines. Leave out the parts about the separation, the affair, reconciliation etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Before a baby is born, the woman's body uses an egg and a sperm from a man's body to make the baby. My body and my eggs made both of you, but the sperm that made you came from a different person from the sperm that made Larlo. After the baby is born, the Daddy is the person who takes care of it. Daddy is your Daddy and Larlo's Daddy."

I'd leave out the relationship and the fights and the separation unless and until those questions come up. It may be less than she'd expect, as situations where the sperm and the egg and the social parentage are separate from each other become more common, and more talked-about.

Really? You would tell a child that. Too complicated.

Sure. Not at 2 or 3, but at 4 or 5. My kid has lots of friends who are the result of sperm or egg donation, surrogates, adoption, whatever. Putting it that way sets up the realities of their existence as normal also.

Adoptive mom here. My kids want to know “why”. This doesn’t answer that question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Your biological father was a man named Steve who I had a relationship with for a few months. You know what the best thing was that I got from that relationship? YOU! This is the only picture I have of him." And then move on.

This is good. However, her husband will be the actual dad who will raise her. She needs to add that.

In less the man adopts the child, no he is not the "actual" dad. Some states will allow him on the birth certificate as they are married but he is not the real dad in less he adopts. This child will have two dads - biological and mom's husband.

Not true in MD. A friend moved ahead with her last frozen embryo while dating. A few weeks after BFP, her bf proposed. They married a month before the child was born. Legally his.

This is different as friend did IVF. Child has a father and at any time in less child is legally adopted Dad can come back and claim the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Before a baby is born, the woman's body uses an egg and a sperm from a man's body to make the baby. My body and my eggs made both of you, but the sperm that made you came from a different person from the sperm that made Larlo. After the baby is born, the Daddy is the person who takes care of it. Daddy is your Daddy and Larlo's Daddy."

I'd leave out the relationship and the fights and the separation unless and until those questions come up. It may be less than she'd expect, as situations where the sperm and the egg and the social parentage are separate from each other become more common, and more talked-about.

Really? You would tell a child that. Too complicated.

Sure. Not at 2 or 3, but at 4 or 5. My kid has lots of friends who are the result of sperm or egg donation, surrogates, adoption, whatever. Putting it that way sets up the realities of their existence as normal also.

Thank goodness you didn't adopt. At 4 and 5, kids don't need to know that information. Elementary school, later, sure, but this is not appropriate at 4 and 5. No wonder kids are so screwed up.

[Anonymous]

5 is elementary school. And most kids know by 4 or 5 that a mom and dad both contribute something to make a baby. We haven’t named those parts I don’t think (hasn’t come up) but it isn’t wrong to do so.

Don’t mention the separation- the kid will fear it could happen again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Before a baby is born, the woman's body uses an egg and a sperm from a man's body to make the baby. My body and my eggs made both of you, but the sperm that made you came from a different person from the sperm that made Larlo. After the baby is born, the Daddy is the person who takes care of it. Daddy is your Daddy and Larlo's Daddy."

I'd leave out the relationship and the fights and the separation unless and until those questions come up. It may be less than she'd expect, as situations where the sperm and the egg and the social parentage are separate from each other become more common, and more talked-about.

Really? You would tell a child that. Too complicated.

Sure. Not at 2 or 3, but at 4 or 5. My kid has lots of friends who are the result of sperm or egg donation, surrogates, adoption, whatever. Putting it that way sets up the realities of their existence as normal also.

Thank goodness you didn't adopt. At 4 and 5, kids don't need to know that information. Elementary school, later, sure, but this is not appropriate at 4 and 5. No wonder kids are so screwed up.

I don’t know why you’d assume I didn’t, but OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Your biological father was a man named Steve who I had a relationship with for a few months. You know what the best thing was that I got from that relationship? YOU! This is the only picture I have of him." And then move on.

This is good. However, her husband will be the actual dad who will raise her. She needs to add that.

In less the man adopts the child, no he is not the "actual" dad. Some states will allow him on the birth certificate as they are married but he is not the real dad in less he adopts. This child will have two dads - biological and mom's husband.

Not true in MD. A friend moved ahead with her last frozen embryo while dating. A few weeks after BFP, her bf proposed. They married a month before the child was born. Legally his.

This is different as friend did IVF. Child has a father and at any time in less child is legally adopted Dad can come back and claim the child.

UNLESS!!!!! jesus!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Before a baby is born, the woman's body uses an egg and a sperm from a man's body to make the baby. My body and my eggs made both of you, but the sperm that made you came from a different person from the sperm that made Larlo. After the baby is born, the Daddy is the person who takes care of it. Daddy is your Daddy and Larlo's Daddy."

I'd leave out the relationship and the fights and the separation unless and until those questions come up. It may be less than she'd expect, as situations where the sperm and the egg and the social parentage are separate from each other become more common, and more talked-about.

Really? You would tell a child that. Too complicated.

Sure. Not at 2 or 3, but at 4 or 5. My kid has lots of friends who are the result of sperm or egg donation, surrogates, adoption, whatever. Putting it that way sets up the realities of their existence as normal also.

Thank goodness you didn't adopt. At 4 and 5, kids don't need to know that information. Elementary school, later, sure, but this is not appropriate at 4 and 5. No wonder kids are so screwed up.

I don’t know why you’d assume I didn’t, but OK.

If you did, good luck to those kids. Plus, you said my kid has lots of friends... you didn't say you did it. I can tell you my child at age 4-5 knew the term adoption but didn't really understand what it truly meant till a few years later. At 10, has yet to ask about birthfather, only birthmother like PP said. I have nothing nice to say about the man so I don't say anything but in OP case, she had an affair and its very different than adoption.

[Anonymous]

I guess it’s an experiment—will thinly veiled contempt for a genetic parent go over better than any explanation using the words “egg” and “sperm”? Good luck to your kid also, PP.

[Anonymous]

I'd guess around 4 or 5. Definitely before school (when people will notice and start asking questions and making comments, if the differences are as obvious as you implied) so she can get the story straight in her head and she's feeling okay and secure about the whole thing.

[Anonymous]

As an adoptive parent, my advice would be to start from the very beginning in the way you want to proceed. So, I would be open from day 1, and include information about Steve in age appropriate conversations you would be having anyway.

So, have a photo of Steve, in the same way you might have photos of other people you don't see often. Maybe in a baby book, or in a photo album with other pictures from your pregnancy and his early years. When he's a baby hold him on his lap and name pictures. "That's Steve". "That's Grandma". "That's Johnny"

And then, when the kid is a little older, include a little more information. "That's Steve, your birthfather. He lives in Kansas." "That's your cousin Johnny. See his soccer shirt? He's playing soccer." "Look these are the pictures from your first birthday party. That's Tommy, he used to live next door. He moved to Hong Kong". Be matter of fact about it, and don't expect it to all sink in, but some big ideas will, that we have people we're connected to who live close by and those who live far away.

When the kid starts noticing that women get pregnant, and that results in babies, somewhere around 2 or 3, they might ask you how the baby gets in there (or if they're my kid they might ask "Aunt Susie eats babies?"), and you can say "Babies are made of a part from a woman and a part from a man, but they grow in the woman's body. You grew in my body." If the kid wants more, they'll ask more. It might be the same day "How does the part from the man get in?" or it might be years later.

There will be lots of elements to the conversation, and it will evolve over the years. A 3 year old might ask "did part of me come from Daddy?" and you can say "Actually, no, part came from me, and part came from Steve." and get out the photo album. But a 3 year old isn't going to ask "Does that make him my real Daddy?" or "Why would you have sex with another man?" Their understanding isn't at that level yet.

At some point later, there will be more questions, and more nuanced, and eventually there's a place to say "Your Daddy and I took a break in our marriage, and while we weren't together, I had sex with Steve". But not in conversation number one or two or ten. Hopefully by the time that conversation has happened you've both had practice normalizing talking about Steve in a matter of fact way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptive parent, my advice would be to start from the very beginning in the way you want to proceed. So, I would be open from day 1, and include information about Steve in age appropriate conversations you would be having anyway.

So, have a photo of Steve, in the same way you might have photos of other people you don't see often. Maybe in a baby book, or in a photo album with other pictures from your pregnancy and his early years. When he's a baby hold him on his lap and name pictures. "That's Steve". "That's Grandma". "That's Johnny"

And then, when the kid is a little older, include a little more information. "That's Steve, your birthfather. He lives in Kansas." "That's your cousin Johnny. See his soccer shirt? He's playing soccer." "Look these are the pictures from your first birthday party. That's Tommy, he used to live next door. He moved to Hong Kong". Be matter of fact about it, and don't expect it to all sink in, but some big ideas will, that we have people we're connected to who live close by and those who live far away.

When the kid starts noticing that women get pregnant, and that results in babies, somewhere around 2 or 3, they might ask you how the baby gets in there (or if they're my kid they might ask "Aunt Susie eats babies?"), and you can say "Babies are made of a part from a woman and a part from a man, but they grow in the woman's body. You grew in my body." If the kid wants more, they'll ask more. It might be the same day "How does the part from the man get in?" or it might be years later.

There will be lots of elements to the conversation, and it will evolve over the years. A 3 year old might ask "did part of me come from Daddy?" and you can say "Actually, no, part came from me, and part came from Steve." and get out the photo album. But a 3 year old isn't going to ask "Does that make him my real Daddy?" or "Why would you have sex with another man?" Their understanding isn't at that level yet.

At some point later, there will be more questions, and more nuanced, and eventually there's a place to say "Your Daddy and I took a break in our marriage, and while we weren't together, I had sex with Steve". But not in conversation number one or two or ten. Hopefully by the time that conversation has happened you've both had practice normalizing talking about Steve in a matter of fact way.

Way to much for young kds.