When/how to tell child (and older siblings) that dad is not biological father?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptive parent, my advice would be to start from the very beginning in the way you want to proceed. So, I would be open from day 1, and include information about Steve in age appropriate conversations you would be having anyway.

So, have a photo of Steve, in the same way you might have photos of other people you don't see often. Maybe in a baby book, or in a photo album with other pictures from your pregnancy and his early years. When he's a baby hold him on his lap and name pictures. "That's Steve". "That's Grandma". "That's Johnny"

And then, when the kid is a little older, include a little more information. "That's Steve, your birthfather. He lives in Kansas." "That's your cousin Johnny. See his soccer shirt? He's playing soccer." "Look these are the pictures from your first birthday party. That's Tommy, he used to live next door. He moved to Hong Kong". Be matter of fact about it, and don't expect it to all sink in, but some big ideas will, that we have people we're connected to who live close by and those who live far away.

When the kid starts noticing that women get pregnant, and that results in babies, somewhere around 2 or 3, they might ask you how the baby gets in there (or if they're my kid they might ask "Aunt Susie eats babies?"), and you can say "Babies are made of a part from a woman and a part from a man, but they grow in the woman's body. You grew in my body." If the kid wants more, they'll ask more. It might be the same day "How does the part from the man get in?" or it might be years later.

There will be lots of elements to the conversation, and it will evolve over the years. A 3 year old might ask "did part of me come from Daddy?" and you can say "Actually, no, part came from me, and part came from Steve." and get out the photo album. But a 3 year old isn't going to ask "Does that make him my real Daddy?" or "Why would you have sex with another man?" Their understanding isn't at that level yet.

At some point later, there will be more questions, and more nuanced, and eventually there's a place to say "Your Daddy and I took a break in our marriage, and while we weren't together, I had sex with Steve". But not in conversation number one or two or ten. Hopefully by the time that conversation has happened you've both had practice normalizing talking about Steve in a matter of fact way.

Way to much for young kds.

What do you suggest instead?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Before a baby is born, the woman's body uses an egg and a sperm from a man's body to make the baby. My body and my eggs made both of you, but the sperm that made you came from a different person from the sperm that made Larlo. After the baby is born, the Daddy is the person who takes care of it. Daddy is your Daddy and Larlo's Daddy."

I'd leave out the relationship and the fights and the separation unless and until those questions come up. It may be less than she'd expect, as situations where the sperm and the egg and the social parentage are separate from each other become more common, and more talked-about.

Really? You would tell a child that. Too complicated.

Sure. Not at 2 or 3, but at 4 or 5. My kid has lots of friends who are the result of sperm or egg donation, surrogates, adoption, whatever. Putting it that way sets up the realities of their existence as normal also.

Thank goodness you didn't adopt. At 4 and 5, kids don't need to know that information. Elementary school, later, sure, but this is not appropriate at 4 and 5. No wonder kids are so screwed up.

I don’t know why you’d assume I didn’t, but OK.

If you did, good luck to those kids. Plus, you said my kid has lots of friends... you didn't say you did it. I can tell you my child at age 4-5 knew the term adoption but didn't really understand what it truly meant till a few years later. At 10, has yet to ask about birthfather, only birthmother like PP said. I have nothing nice to say about the man so I don't say anything but in OP case, she had an affair and its very different than adoption.

NP here. I am an adult adoptee, parent to adopted children, sibling to other adoptees, cousin to adoptees, friends of adoptees, adoptive parents, and birth parents. Your way is not the only way to address adoption and just because your ten year old hasn’t asked about their birth father yet doesn’t mean that no child adoptees don’t discuss their own birth fathers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids can understand things better than most people give them credit for.

Sometime around the time she's 3 or 4 I would say something like, 'Larla, you might have noticed that your skin is a different color from your brother Tony. This is because you are half Chinese. We wanted to tell you this because we want you to know how amazing your culture is. Tony is not Chinese because he had a different daddy than you do. Mommy and Daddy loved each other very much when they had Tony but they had a fight and didn't live together for a little while. Mommy fell in love with another man who is your biological daddy. Biological means you have some of his blood. But Daddy is your real daddy because he loves you and is going to love you for the rest of your life. We love you very much and now I want to read you this book about a little Chinese girl so you can learn a little bit about this part of you."

And then just talk about it openly from there on out.

LOL this could be the plot to an entire first year of a sitcom or something. I had to read it a couple of times to get it all and I'm a lot older than 3 or 4.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids can understand things better than most people give them credit for.

Sometime around the time she's 3 or 4 I would say something like, 'Larla, you might have noticed that your skin is a different color from your brother Tony. This is because you are half Chinese. We wanted to tell you this because we want you to know how amazing your culture is. Tony is not Chinese because he had a different daddy than you do. Mommy and Daddy loved each other very much when they had Tony but they had a fight and didn't live together for a little while. Mommy fell in love with another man who is your biological daddy. Biological means you have some of his blood. But Daddy is your real daddy because he loves you and is going to love you for the rest of your life. We love you very much and now I want to read you this book about a little Chinese girl so you can learn a little bit about this part of you."

And then just talk about it openly from there on out.

LOL this could be the plot to an entire first year of a sitcom or something. I had to read it a couple of times to get it all and I'm a lot older than 3 or 4.

Feel better now, PP?

[Anonymous]

Guessing your husband will end up being your ex husband again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids can understand things better than most people give them credit for.

Sometime around the time she's 3 or 4 I would say something like, 'Larla, you might have noticed that your skin is a different color from your brother Tony. This is because you are half Chinese. We wanted to tell you this because we want you to know how amazing your culture is. Tony is not Chinese because he had a different daddy than you do. Mommy and Daddy loved each other very much when they had Tony but they had a fight and didn't live together for a little while. Mommy fell in love with another man who is your biological daddy. Biological means you have some of his blood. But Daddy is your real daddy because he loves you and is going to love you for the rest of your life. We love you very much and now I want to read you this book about a little Chinese girl so you can learn a little bit about this part of you."

And then just talk about it openly from there on out.

LOL this could be the plot to an entire first year of a sitcom or something. I had to read it a couple of times to get it all and I'm a lot older than 3 or 4.

How would you put it more simply?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptive parent, my advice would be to start from the very beginning in the way you want to proceed. So, I would be open from day 1, and include information about Steve in age appropriate conversations you would be having anyway.

So, have a photo of Steve, in the same way you might have photos of other people you don't see often. Maybe in a baby book, or in a photo album with other pictures from your pregnancy and his early years. When he's a baby hold him on his lap and name pictures. "That's Steve". "That's Grandma". "That's Johnny"

And then, when the kid is a little older, include a little more information. "That's Steve, your birthfather. He lives in Kansas." "That's your cousin Johnny. See his soccer shirt? He's playing soccer." "Look these are the pictures from your first birthday party. That's Tommy, he used to live next door. He moved to Hong Kong". Be matter of fact about it, and don't expect it to all sink in, but some big ideas will, that we have people we're connected to who live close by and those who live far away.

When the kid starts noticing that women get pregnant, and that results in babies, somewhere around 2 or 3, they might ask you how the baby gets in there (or if they're my kid they might ask "Aunt Susie eats babies?"), and you can say "Babies are made of a part from a woman and a part from a man, but they grow in the woman's body. You grew in my body." If the kid wants more, they'll ask more. It might be the same day "How does the part from the man get in?" or it might be years later.

There will be lots of elements to the conversation, and it will evolve over the years. A 3 year old might ask "did part of me come from Daddy?" and you can say "Actually, no, part came from me, and part came from Steve." and get out the photo album. But a 3 year old isn't going to ask "Does that make him my real Daddy?" or "Why would you have sex with another man?" Their understanding isn't at that level yet.

At some point later, there will be more questions, and more nuanced, and eventually there's a place to say "Your Daddy and I took a break in our marriage, and while we weren't together, I had sex with Steve". But not in conversation number one or two or ten. Hopefully by the time that conversation has happened you've both had practice normalizing talking about Steve in a matter of fact way.

Way to much for young kds.

What do you suggest instead?

The truth. Mom and Dad split up, Mom was with someone else during that time and I got pregnant with you. You have husband legally adopt the child if the relationship is stable, but if you split up and were with someone else its probably not that stable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Your biological father was a man named Steve who I had a relationship with for a few months. You know what the best thing was that I got from that relationship? YOU! This is the only picture I have of him." And then move on.

This is good. However, her husband will be the actual dad who will raise her. She needs to add that.

In less the man adopts the child, no he is not the "actual" dad. Some states will allow him on the birth certificate as they are married but he is not the real dad in less he adopts. This child will have two dads - biological and mom's husband.

Actually, in Maryland, if the mother is married at the time of the child's conception or birth, the law presumes that her husband is the baby’s father. .

https://www.peoples-law.org/paternity

According to Virginia law, the husband of the mother is presumed to be the legal father of her child.

http://www.dss.virginia.gov/pub/pdf/dcse_paternity.pdf

This is also the case in DC - if the parents are married or in a registered domestic partnership when the child is born, there is an automatic legal relationship between the mother's spouse or the domestic partner and the child. The spouse's or domestic partner's name will be placed on the birth certificate. The mother's spouse or domestic partner is presumed to be the child's parent by virtue of the legal union.

https://cssd.dc.gov/page/establishing-parentage-and-paternity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Your biological father was a man named Steve who I had a relationship with for a few months. You know what the best thing was that I got from that relationship? YOU! This is the only picture I have of him." And then move on.

+1
I wouldn’t go into details of marital conflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptive parent, my advice would be to start from the very beginning in the way you want to proceed. So, I would be open from day 1, and include information about Steve in age appropriate conversations you would be having anyway.

So, have a photo of Steve, in the same way you might have photos of other people you don't see often. Maybe in a baby book, or in a photo album with other pictures from your pregnancy and his early years. When he's a baby hold him on his lap and name pictures. "That's Steve". "That's Grandma". "That's Johnny"

And then, when the kid is a little older, include a little more information. "That's Steve, your birthfather. He lives in Kansas." "That's your cousin Johnny. See his soccer shirt? He's playing soccer." "Look these are the pictures from your first birthday party. That's Tommy, he used to live next door. He moved to Hong Kong". Be matter of fact about it, and don't expect it to all sink in, but some big ideas will, that we have people we're connected to who live close by and those who live far away.

When the kid starts noticing that women get pregnant, and that results in babies, somewhere around 2 or 3, they might ask you how the baby gets in there (or if they're my kid they might ask "Aunt Susie eats babies?"), and you can say "Babies are made of a part from a woman and a part from a man, but they grow in the woman's body. You grew in my body." If the kid wants more, they'll ask more. It might be the same day "How does the part from the man get in?" or it might be years later.

There will be lots of elements to the conversation, and it will evolve over the years. A 3 year old might ask "did part of me come from Daddy?" and you can say "Actually, no, part came from me, and part came from Steve." and get out the photo album. But a 3 year old isn't going to ask "Does that make him my real Daddy?" or "Why would you have sex with another man?" Their understanding isn't at that level yet.

At some point later, there will be more questions, and more nuanced, and eventually there's a place to say "Your Daddy and I took a break in our marriage, and while we weren't together, I had sex with Steve". But not in conversation number one or two or ten. Hopefully by the time that conversation has happened you've both had practice normalizing talking about Steve in a matter of fact way.

Way to much for young kds.

What do you suggest instead?

The truth. Mom and Dad split up, Mom was with someone else during that time and I got pregnant with you. You have husband legally adopt the child if the relationship is stable, but if you split up and were with someone else its probably not that stable.

So, you wouldn't say anything until a kid's old enough to understand all that? The question was how to start telling a kid. A 2 year old or 3 year old does not have any of the background knowledge to understand what you just wrote.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptive parent, my advice would be to start from the very beginning in the way you want to proceed. So, I would be open from day 1, and include information about Steve in age appropriate conversations you would be having anyway.

So, have a photo of Steve, in the same way you might have photos of other people you don't see often. Maybe in a baby book, or in a photo album with other pictures from your pregnancy and his early years. When he's a baby hold him on his lap and name pictures. "That's Steve". "That's Grandma". "That's Johnny"

And then, when the kid is a little older, include a little more information. "That's Steve, your birthfather. He lives in Kansas." "That's your cousin Johnny. See his soccer shirt? He's playing soccer." "Look these are the pictures from your first birthday party. That's Tommy, he used to live next door. He moved to Hong Kong". Be matter of fact about it, and don't expect it to all sink in, but some big ideas will, that we have people we're connected to who live close by and those who live far away.

When the kid starts noticing that women get pregnant, and that results in babies, somewhere around 2 or 3, they might ask you how the baby gets in there (or if they're my kid they might ask "Aunt Susie eats babies?"), and you can say "Babies are made of a part from a woman and a part from a man, but they grow in the woman's body. You grew in my body." If the kid wants more, they'll ask more. It might be the same day "How does the part from the man get in?" or it might be years later.

There will be lots of elements to the conversation, and it will evolve over the years. A 3 year old might ask "did part of me come from Daddy?" and you can say "Actually, no, part came from me, and part came from Steve." and get out the photo album. But a 3 year old isn't going to ask "Does that make him my real Daddy?" or "Why would you have sex with another man?" Their understanding isn't at that level yet.

At some point later, there will be more questions, and more nuanced, and eventually there's a place to say "Your Daddy and I took a break in our marriage, and while we weren't together, I had sex with Steve". But not in conversation number one or two or ten. Hopefully by the time that conversation has happened you've both had practice normalizing talking about Steve in a matter of fact way.

Way to much for young kds.

What do you suggest instead?

The truth. Mom and Dad split up, Mom was with someone else during that time and I got pregnant with you. You have husband legally adopt the child if the relationship is stable, but if you split up and were with someone else its probably not that stable.

So, you wouldn't say anything until a kid's old enough to understand all that? The question was how to start telling a kid. A 2 year old or 3 year old does not have any of the background knowledge to understand what you just wrote.

+1 The question in the OP is how to avoid the kid having it sprung on them that dad isn't "real" dad late in life.

[Anonymous]

Nothing helps reconcile a failing marriage like showing up pregnant with another man’s child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing helps reconcile a failing marriage like showing up pregnant with another man’s child.

Yes, PP, we know. You tell us every other day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptive parent, my advice would be to start from the very beginning in the way you want to proceed. So, I would be open from day 1, and include information about Steve in age appropriate conversations you would be having anyway.

So, have a photo of Steve, in the same way you might have photos of other people you don't see often. Maybe in a baby book, or in a photo album with other pictures from your pregnancy and his early years. When he's a baby hold him on his lap and name pictures. "That's Steve". "That's Grandma". "That's Johnny"

And then, when the kid is a little older, include a little more information. "That's Steve, your birthfather. He lives in Kansas." "That's your cousin Johnny. See his soccer shirt? He's playing soccer." "Look these are the pictures from your first birthday party. That's Tommy, he used to live next door. He moved to Hong Kong". Be matter of fact about it, and don't expect it to all sink in, but some big ideas will, that we have people we're connected to who live close by and those who live far away.

When the kid starts noticing that women get pregnant, and that results in babies, somewhere around 2 or 3, they might ask you how the baby gets in there (or if they're my kid they might ask "Aunt Susie eats babies?"), and you can say "Babies are made of a part from a woman and a part from a man, but they grow in the woman's body. You grew in my body." If the kid wants more, they'll ask more. It might be the same day "How does the part from the man get in?" or it might be years later.

There will be lots of elements to the conversation, and it will evolve over the years. A 3 year old might ask "did part of me come from Daddy?" and you can say "Actually, no, part came from me, and part came from Steve." and get out the photo album. But a 3 year old isn't going to ask "Does that make him my real Daddy?" or "Why would you have sex with another man?" Their understanding isn't at that level yet.

At some point later, there will be more questions, and more nuanced, and eventually there's a place to say "Your Daddy and I took a break in our marriage, and while we weren't together, I had sex with Steve". But not in conversation number one or two or ten. Hopefully by the time that conversation has happened you've both had practice normalizing talking about Steve in a matter of fact way.

Way to much for young kds.

What do you suggest instead?

The truth. Mom and Dad split up, Mom was with someone else during that time and I got pregnant with you. You have husband legally adopt the child if the relationship is stable, but if you split up and were with someone else its probably not that stable.

So, you wouldn't say anything until a kid's old enough to understand all that? The question was how to start telling a kid. A 2 year old or 3 year old does not have any of the background knowledge to understand what you just wrote.

+1 The question in the OP is how to avoid the kid having it sprung on them that dad isn't "real" dad late in life.

It becomes every day conversation, which probably is not something the mom wants. We regularly talked about adoption openly and our child just knew. It wasn't any big deal. We talk regularly with and about some of the birth mom's family, which helps a lot. We have never had a specific adoption conversation except now as child is older specific questions but child knows they have two mom's, multiple grandparents and its just our normal.

[Anonymous]

When the child asks, "You and your brother have different hair types. Some people have straight hair and some have curly hair. Your eyes are different too. You both resemble me because I am your mommy. You each resemble your daddiez, too. And you have different daddies. You'll understand more when you get older."