Depressed, unemployed husband has me depressed

[Anonymous]

It's been 2.5 years since he had a job with benefits. Did some consulting, lost his contract due to depression (which he hid from me).

I do all I can to make a living but I'm not in a high-income field. We were supposed to be a two-income family. We haven't had a vacation since 2015. We don't eat in restaurants. We've had to take money from his mother. We had done everything right and had plenty saved for a layoff or emergency, but we didn't plan on 2.5 years with no end in sight.

I worry constantly. I have developed extreme insomnia and have almost no appetite. Someone complimented me on how thin I am and I burst into tears. I'm not dieting, I'm grieving that the person I married is completely non functional.

He goes to therapy and takes a few different psych medications. None of it has made him bear down and work.

He's got no interests or hobbies. He complains a lot or worse yet, just sort of whimpers so it's loud and clear to everyone that he's tired and miserable.

He's been gone a couple of weeks helping out a relative and I realize the only thing he would be doing is walking the dog.

I'm so pissed, resentful, and tired. I didn't sign up for this and I see no sign it's going to change.

I'm in my mid 40s. He got my best years. I'm still very attractive and could find someone, but this experience makes me hesitate to ever trust anyone again.

So I'm depressed as hell. This is the third summer when I've politely listened to people telling me about their vacations. We *might* go to a ball game. I hate what he's done to our life. I work constantly. I come home and ask what he's done and he's maybe applied to one job and taken a walk.

I don't know how anyone can stand being the only one with a job; maybe it's not so suffocating if you actually chose to be a one-income couple. I hate that I'm the only one who has to get up and go to work. Our teenager has school and homework. My husband just has his self pity and sloth.

My friends are telling me they don't think he'll ever get a job. So that's it - just like that, without my having any say in it, he nurses his depression and refuses to work, and it's all on me. And this is my life, because he doesn't value us enough to get his shit together.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry . You get to decide what this chapter of your life looks like. Depression is real, but You’ve supported him and his depression for 2.5years and should not feel guilty if you do not want to live like this for the next X amount of years.

You are empowered to make your own life decisions, and to ask for what you want / need. If his current medication plan is not working, he needs to seek other options that may work better.

I’m not the kind of person that can easily take care of grown, capable adults. I get resentful, which is not good for me or the other person ... and the whining / whimpering would be an absolute non negotiable. That would be the final straw. What grown man just runs around whimpering so that you’ll know how unhappy he is? :/ I don’t even allow that type of behavior from my 10 y/o.

There is no right or wrong answer. You have to decide what you are willing to put up with (which could be s lot or s little), and what you want this chapter of your life to look like.

Lastly before you go jumping in to another relationship, pls take the time to heal and focus on getting in to a better mental state.

[Anonymous]

Any kids?

[Anonymous]

Can he walk dogs for living while he’s looking for a job?
PS I am sorry.

[Anonymous]

I don't say this often, but it sounds like you need to divorce.

He may have got your best years, but don't let all of them go.

[Anonymous]

So sad + sorry to read your post OP.

;(

I think that in today’s day & age there are many options for treating depression that no one should be suffering.
Your husband needs to talk to his M.D. about adding an add-on antidepressant to his current medications.

Or switch up the ones he is already taking because it is obvious that his current meds are doing nothing.
He also should get therapy along w/his medicine too.

2 1/2 years as his suffering spouse is a LONG time no matter how you look at it.
It is entirely up to you of course, but ask yourself if you have finally reached your threshold here or are you willing to support him more if he sincerely promises to get more help?

There is no right or wrong answer here.
But you need to be happy in life too.
You seem to be carrying a ton of resentment and bitterness around and who can blame you??
But you also deserve to be physically/emotionally/financially stress-free because all of your current issues are obviously taking a huge toll on you.

You need to care for yourself - Be healthy so you can be around for your child as well as you.

Just look at the entire, BIG picture and try to decide if all this stress is worth it to YOU in the end.

(((((( Hugs & Best Wishes ))))))
‘.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. Normally I say its really critical to support a mentally ill spouse, but in this case your own mental health is in extreme jeopardy.

If you feel like you have reached the end of the line with his treatment, then maybe you have. You need to get help yourself.

its okay to leave the marriage if the choice is both of you drowning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't say this often, but it sounds like you need to divorce.

He may have got your best years, but don't let all of them go.

would you say that to a man experiencing the same thing ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't say this often, but it sounds like you need to divorce.

He may have got your best years, but don't let all of them go.

I'm with you. I would file right away. This is the kind of thing where he may take her with him one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any kids?

Anonymous wrote:I hate that I'm the only one who has to get up and go to work. Our teenager has school and homework. My husband just has his self pity and sloth.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think the first step for you is self-care. You need to get yourself in a better place mentally to be able to see your situation and any possibly solution in a clearer light. You first need to deal with your own depression and whatever else may be involved before anything else. Find a therapist. Exercise. Make sure you are eating right (which can be so hard when you feel like this). I always feel better if I do something that takes me out of my routine, even if it's something small. Find something that you enjoy that leaves you feeling refreshed and energized - even if it's only for a short time. You need to find ways to mentally extricate yourself from the downward spiral that your DH is in. Once you are able to take care of yourself, you will be in a better position to take care of your kids through this time and address things with your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't say this often, but it sounds like you need to divorce.

He may have got your best years, but don't let all of them go.

would you say that to a man experiencing the same thing ?

Of course not. These women are so transparent and self-serving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't say this often, but it sounds like you need to divorce.

He may have got your best years, but don't let all of them go.

would you say that to a man experiencing the same thing ?

Look at the lack of sex thread. The men cheat or divorce. This is 10x worse.

Yes OP you need to file. He has the sort of personality you don't want to waste years on!

[Anonymous]

This is the OP. There is good advice here of the kind I'd give friends. Some things that are challenging:

-my husband has had several kinds of meds; at the end of the day I feel like his attitude and coping mechanisms are why he hasn't made progress. His therapist works with him on personal goals but he lets them slide. I think it's about character. I'm depressed and I'm working my butt off as I always have.
-if we divorce my child and I will lose our house. There is equity in it and that will be what my husband can live on. A court would order it sold and divided, particularly because his mother has helped us a bit with mortgage this year and I can't pay her back. There is no affordable housing in our high school boundary so we'd have to change schools, which is tough to put my child through.
--therapy for me sounds great. I had to give it up because we can't afford it. His is only 1/2 covered after the deductible and it's costing us over $400/month out of pocket. There is literally no money for me to go, and i

[Anonymous]

.. darn it. This is the OP. Hit submit by mistake.

Anyway, we can't afford therapy for me but I think my therapist would say to forgive myself for resenting him, and to take care of myself.

--I used to ride horses but we can't afford that. When I gave it up, the resentment got so bad. I didn't have my own or spend a lot. It was costing $200/month for my lessons. He resented my wanting to keep doing it and get more help from his mom so I let it go. I try to do things I enjoy, such as hiking with our kid, but the pain of giving up this thing that was mine has been huge. I feel resentment because I work very hard and am not materialistic but feel like buying name-brand shampoo is living beyond our means, and it's not my fault.
--ive asked him to temp or work at Starbucks or something like that and he refused forever. I recently asked one of his friends, whom he has basically avoided this whole time, to get in touch and give him some real talk about that.

I feel like my kid loses no matter what. Either this situation will start to make her life worse because she's worried or she'll lose her house and school friends. If and when that happens, it'll be after I spent years working harder than almost anyone I know.

It just sucks.