Depressed, unemployed husband has me depressed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can he walk dogs for living while he’s looking for a job?
PS I am sorry.

it
Yes suggest he start a dog walking service now /also a doggy day-care can be lucrative. Animals should help his depression to.
However if that doesn't work it does seem like divorce might be the best option, you can't keep on living like this. Ridiculous! Very selfish of your husband!
You have depression too - yet you pull up your socks and go to work. Imagine if you decided you couldn't work like he has!

[Anonymous]

Hi Friend~

If I'm understanding correctly, it seems that you feel your husband is not carrying out his part of the responsibility in this marriage? However, I wasn't exactly sure what the doctors have said i.e. whether or not he is disabled and unable to work?

I am not sure what vows you took i.e. In sickness or in health? But it appears that your husband is not meeting your expectations as a husband.

Therefore I pray that you are able to find and receive the help that you need to deal with this situation. I also pray that your husband will receive the help he needs. A good source of help for you may be found at https://bit.ly/2rFrceH.

As for your husband, I think you both need to talk to his doctor together and then you will know the real situation and what is the reality of your husband's condition. Blessings to you and your husband. I am praying for you.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry for what you are going through right now. I spent five years at the bottom of the darkest pit of depression of my life. I was seeing a psychiatrist and therapist, but nothing was helping me. During those five years I was placed on 26 different medications and spent a lot of time undergoing treatment. It can be so hard for those around us to understand what we are going through. We lost our home, my husband had lost a very good job because he had to be both mom and dad, and eventually we even had Child Services involved because of my inability to care for our children. My mother in law even told me I needed to get it together and just get over it. It wasn’t easy for my husband, but it truly was his compassion and love for me that saw me through. There were days that I had thought about giving it up. I knew I wasn’t bringing value to my husband or my children and I felt worthless. I just couldn’t shake and get over what I was feeling so deeply inside. The depression absolutely consumed all my thoughts and I spent more time in a constant battle over the negative thoughts that were going on in my mind than anything else. Battling all my own negativity left me exhausted and completely ineffective in anything I tried to do. I had the energy to sit and stare at a computer or television screen because those mindless things allowed me a brief moment of escape from my thoughts, but anytime I tried putting my mind to important tasks like reading to my children (who I used to homeschool) or connecting with my husband on a deeper level, it was impossible.
I tried expressing all of this to my husband, but at the time, I couldn’t find the words. It wasn’t until I was off the medication and beginning to build my life back that I was finally able to express not just how all- encompassing depression really is, but how deeply grateful I was that my husband didn’t give up on me. My husband was the only one working and caring for our seven children at the time. It was so much for him to take care of me, our children, work full time and then all the responsibilities of life. It wouldn’t have surprised me if he walked out on me, but I am so thankful that he stood by my side and saw me through. I have no doubt that it was my husband’s love, compassion and prayers that pulled me out of that dark place and led me to where I am today. Please know that I’ll be praying for you and your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi Friend~

If I'm understanding correctly, it seems that you feel your husband is not carrying out his part of the responsibility in this marriage? However, I wasn't exactly sure what the doctors have said i.e. whether or not he is disabled and unable to work?

I am not sure what vows you took i.e. In sickness or in health? But it appears that your husband is not meeting your expectations as a husband.

Therefore I pray that you are able to find and receive the help that you need to deal with this situation. I also pray that your husband will receive the help he needs. A good source of help for you may be found at https://bit.ly/2rFrceH.

As for your husband, I think you both need to talk to his doctor together and then you will know the real situation and what is the reality of your husband's condition. Blessings to you and your husband. I am praying for you.

FTI, for those not inclined to click a masked link, it is to a Focus on the Family web article.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry for what you are going through right now. I spent five years at the bottom of the darkest pit of depression of my life. I was seeing a psychiatrist and therapist, but nothing was helping me. During those five years I was placed on 26 different medications and spent a lot of time undergoing treatment. It can be so hard for those around us to understand what we are going through. We lost our home, my husband had lost a very good job because he had to be both mom and dad, and eventually we even had Child Services involved because of my inability to care for our children. My mother in law even told me I needed to get it together and just get over it. It wasn’t easy for my husband, but it truly was his compassion and love for me that saw me through. There were days that I had thought about giving it up. I knew I wasn’t bringing value to my husband or my children and I felt worthless. I just couldn’t shake and get over what I was feeling so deeply inside. The depression absolutely consumed all my thoughts and I spent more time in a constant battle over the negative thoughts that were going on in my mind than anything else. Battling all my own negativity left me exhausted and completely ineffective in anything I tried to do. I had the energy to sit and stare at a computer or television screen because those mindless things allowed me a brief moment of escape from my thoughts, but anytime I tried putting my mind to important tasks like reading to my children (who I used to homeschool) or connecting with my husband on a deeper level, it was impossible.
I tried expressing all of this to my husband, but at the time, I couldn’t find the words. It wasn’t until I was off the medication and beginning to build my life back that I was finally able to express not just how all- encompassing depression really is, but how deeply grateful I was that my husband didn’t give up on me. My husband was the only one working and caring for our seven children at the time. It was so much for him to take care of me, our children, work full time and then all the responsibilities of life. It wouldn’t have surprised me if he walked out on me, but I am so thankful that he stood by my side and saw me through. I have no doubt that it was my husband’s love, compassion and prayers that pulled me out of that dark place and led me to where I am today. Please know that I’ll be praying for you and your husband.

WTF!

[Anonymous]

OP,

1) You need to talk to a divorce lawyer and get a clearer sense of your options should you separate and/or divorce.

2) You need to get your ducks lined up financially and otherwise.

3) You need to give DH an ultimatum: “I love you but your depression and its consequences are hurting us both and I can’t keep doing this. If you can’t either find a full time job, any job, or else start pulling your weight with chores etc. by [date], we need to separate.” Don’t argue, don’t cajole. Just basic choice: he deals with your issues at least enough to take some of the burden off you, or you are separating.

4) Stick to it. If by whatever date you set he is neither working nor doing the bulk of the house and child care, separate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you must know the answer is divorce. Yet you come up with excuses not to. That’s on you. He sounds like a master manipulator and as a supposedly depressed lay about for nearly 3 years running he’s setting a terrible example for your daughter. Time to make a move. Besides, divorce takes time. Selling and dividing assets takes time. Get the ball rolling and your daughter will most likely be able to finish high school where she’s at.

This x 1000. Come on already. Divorce is the clear answer. Let him become his mother’s problem. And it sure sounds like you’re using your daughter as an excuse for doing what you need to do.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is old enough to have an honest conversation with about all this. How does she feel about her father? About the fact that he doesn’t work? About the fact that she sees you working and struggling? I think it’s time to be honest with her and tell her that you’re thinking about Divorce. She might actually be relieved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:.. darn it. This is the OP. Hit submit by mistake.

Anyway, we can't afford therapy for me but I think my therapist would say to forgive myself for resenting him, and to take care of myself.

--I used to ride horses but we can't afford that. When I gave it up, the resentment got so bad. I didn't have my own or spend a lot. It was costing $200/month for my lessons. He resented my wanting to keep doing it and get more help from his mom so I let it go. I try to do things I enjoy, such as hiking with our kid, but the pain of giving up this thing that was mine has been huge. I feel resentment because I work very hard and am not materialistic but feel like buying name-brand shampoo is living beyond our means, and it's not my fault.
--ive asked him to temp or work at Starbucks or something like that and he refused forever. I recently asked one of his friends, whom he has basically avoided this whole time, to get in touch and give him some real talk about that.

I feel like my kid loses no matter what. Either this situation will start to make her life worse because she's worried or she'll lose her house and school friends. If and when that happens, it'll be after I spent years working harder than almost anyone I know.

It just sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce him and rent an apartment in your current school district. That will be infinitely better for you, and your daughter, than sticking around to see what's next and how low your husband can sink.
Depression can render people unable to move. Make your move before your depression makes you feel like you can't.

Yeah, my wife got cancer a few years back and I was all like screw this. Moved out, took the kids. She's still not dead, but I'm pretty sure she will be in the next year or two. So glad I got out of that toxic situation.

OP, you need to ignore this poster. This is DCUM's resident "it's just like cancer" poster, who appears in every single thread like this, and who I am convinced is an abusive spouse who doesn't want his or her spouse to leave. I have seen several posts from this poster and he or she is essentially looking for reasons to validate abusive behavior.

Best of luck to you. You sound like a good person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you mentioned vacations twice and it's only been 3 years since you've taken one leads me to believe you're a selfish, entitled, out of touch jerk.

Your husband is fighting for his life. Figure it the f out, lady.

I'm with the poster. It sounds like you husband has sunk low, and could really use your continued support and understanding. If the shoe were on the other foot, you'd like him to stick with you through thick and thin. Did we ever get to the root of the depression? It would help if you worked out with him, getting in shape is a good step to getting started. And a little resume polishing wouldn't hurt. I assume in the years you've been together, you've tried everything, but you have to jar him, and stay by his side (if possible). Again, things can be overwhelming, but I believe that's the wrong time to tuck tail and run.

This is your husband, and partner, let's see past this and get back to business. Get his fat ass to the gym, and get busy...

I don't understand when PPs like this say that she just needs to stick by him and support him. What if there's truly no end in sight? Should she commit to supporting him for 10, 20, 30 years? It sounds like he won't get a job until he's forced to, and her supporting the family by herself means he's not being forced to.

The unfortunate reality is that the longer someone is unemployed, the less likely he is to ever find a job again. So the longer the husband isn't forced to fend for himself, the less likely he is to EVER be employable again.

I'm in the same boat, OP, and I'm leaving in August. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

How old is your kid, OP? There's a difference if she's 13 vs. 17, for example. At 13, she still has high school ahead of her and will make new friends when she moves up, regardless of whether you have to move or not. At 17, I'd say stick it out until she's nearing the end of her senior year. Or could you rent nearby (but in a more affordable school district) and use a friend's address so she can keep going to her school?

[Anonymous]

You definitely need to get therapy and I understand you don't have the resources - have you checked out the Women's Center in Vienna? They work on a sliding scale and have therapists that are still trying to get their hours so are less expensive.
Also, are you on next-door? I live in an extremely expensive part of Nova and there are people renting out little houses on their property etc./apartments. You could def stay in our school district by doing that. . .so thinking you could find something to rent. . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you mentioned vacations twice and it's only been 3 years since you've taken one leads me to believe you're a selfish, entitled, out of touch jerk.

Your husband is fighting for his life. Figure it the f out, lady.

I'm with the poster. It sounds like you husband has sunk low, and could really use your continued support and understanding. If the shoe were on the other foot, you'd like him to stick with you through thick and thin. Did we ever get to the root of the depression? It would help if you worked out with him, getting in shape is a good step to getting started. And a little resume polishing wouldn't hurt. I assume in the years you've been together, you've tried everything, but you have to jar him, and stay by his side (if possible). Again, things can be overwhelming, but I believe that's the wrong time to tuck tail and run.

This is your husband, and partner, let's see past this and get back to business. Get his fat ass to the gym, and get busy...

This sounds like a PP who has never dealt long-term with a depressed, unemployed spouse. You can't get a depressed person to the gym, and you probably can't afford a gym membership. You can't do "a little resume polishing" when he's never ever going to actually identify jobs and then send in the resume. My husband was depressed and unemployed and I could t get him to follow up on anything, ever. I'd sit down with him and we'd agree in what needed to happen and I'd write out a short list and then ... nothing.

I bet DH's husband has time and attention for watching sports and Netflix. I've been there.

[Anonymous]

Do you still love him? Are we still in the realm of “in sickness and health, for richer or for poorer”? Or is this at crisis level where you have to leave just to continue to function? Depression and unemployment are really hard, and I imagine he basically feels like hell all the time. I don’t know him, but I can imagine it’s even more demoralizing to hear his wife no longer loves him if he doesn’t make the big money to live in this nice neighborhood. That said, you do have to eat and put a roof over your heads.