Depressed, unemployed husband has me depressed

[Anonymous]

I was in your shoes, OP. I was with a man who relied on me and his mother to support him. She used to pick him up, take him to Costco, and buy him groceries (this was a man who was almost 40). He never held a job for more than 2 weeks, and laid in bed watching tv/jerking it to porn all day.

Once I left and mommy cut him off, surprise, he could hold a job. Amazing what people can do when the money runs out.

Sorry you're in this situation. I know it sucks for your daughter, but she's old enough to know what is going on, correct? What would she think if you left your husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in your shoes, OP. I was with a man who relied on me and his mother to support him. She used to pick him up, take him to Costco, and buy him groceries (this was a man who was almost 40). He never held a job for more than 2 weeks, and laid in bed watching tv/jerking it to porn all day.

Once I left and mommy cut him off, surprise, he could hold a job. Amazing what people can do when the money runs out.

Sorry you're in this situation. I know it sucks for your daughter, but she's old enough to know what is going on, correct? What would she think if you left your husband?

She's a kind and thoughtful person for that age group but she's only human and very attached to the neighborhood and school. She'd probably accurately see it as a matter of my not being able to stay in that situation for her.

He used to be able to work. He was a lawyer for a good advocacy group for a long time.

Was.

[Anonymous]

OP he couldn't afford to go to school full time. Not when he had the nerve to ask his parents to fund his poor choices. You don't need a therapist at this point. You need to makes changes...waffling is not helping you. Sure you can wait till he get's a job, if he gets one or keeps it. I would suggest to start putting money away at that point if things don't improve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP he couldn't afford to go to school full time. Not when he had the nerve to ask his parents to fund his poor choices. You don't need a therapist at this point. You need to makes changes...waffling is not helping you. Sure you can wait till he get's a job, if he gets one or keeps it. I would suggest to start putting money away at that point if things don't improve.

Sorry OP I got yours confused with the OT.

Still I think you need to start realizing he may not change.

[Anonymous]

You need to divorce him and rent, OP. You can't afford to buy right now.

And your daughter will get over it, especially when she sees you slowly getting your spirit and happiness back. It will be harder before it gets easier. But just think about what you'd like for your girl to do in the same situation. Would you want her to be a self sacrificing doormat?

You need to be the example for her that she needs.

And although you think that she'd resent you for not putting up with it longer for her, it very well could be the opposite. She could end up angry at you for turning bitter and miserable and letting her father destroy your spirit.

[Anonymous]

I've written before about being in your shoes except I have 3 kids and they were all in early ES when it came down. My story is very similar to yours - a DH with long term depression, medications were no longer effective, long term unemployement, depleted finances, no vacation for years, no outsourcing of anything, kids had special needs and required multiple therapy appointments a week, etc. After 2 year of it, I 'caught' his depression and had to go on an anti-depressant (my only regret is that I didn't take medication sooner).

I realized that my living situation was jeopardizing my mental health and that it was also impacting our kids - that realization brought immense clarity to my situation. I could no longer hope my DH would improve. I had to make decisions that were in the best interest of me and our kids. Getting to that point was running a marathon. I started out strong, maintained a good pace for a long time but was wearing out. I was stumbling. Accepting that our marriage was over and I could move forward was like having a load taken off my shoulders. I knew it would be tough but I was up for this. I stopped making an effort with DH and I let go of any expectations I had for him. He was no longer part of my plans. Even though we were still living in the same house, I conducted myself as if we were divorced. I told him I was initiating a divorce. It felt SO good!

In the end, DH had a realization of his own. He was losing his family. It shocked him into making a serious effort to get his depression under control and he got a job in the service industry for basically minimum wage (at least it's a job). We ended up not divorcing but it broke our marriage. We've 'healed' but I don't feel as solid in the relationship as I used to and it's probably been 5 years since 'recovery'. I know (and I've told DH) that I can't weather another major depressive episode. I no longer have the emotional resiliency I used to.

"Love" is not enough. You also need a partner. Your partner has abandoned you and you need to move on. It may take you a while to accomplish, your DH may get his shit together like mine finally did, it may be too late even if he does. But, you need to move on. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

I am a child of divorce and my best friend just divorced a guy a lot like your DH. The biggest impact your divorce have on your daughter is that she will certainly be responsible for caring for her father. If you do this now, then your husband will get a kick in the pants while she is too young to be the new person he mooches off of. The longer you wait, the more of that burden you will shift to her.

[Anonymous]

Well, it sounds like you might need to move anyway. If he's not working and you can't afford the house by yourself... then divorce or not it doesn't seem like staying in the house is doable. How old is your daughter? Could you possibly get a transfer for her to stay in the same school even if you move?

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. I grew up with a depressed parent and it is like not having a parent. As I grew up and moved out on my ownmy parent was a burden on me, at least mentally and emotionally, then financially, then physically. It's so toxic. There is a lot of shame involved for a kid.

Take care of your daughters mental health.

[Anonymous]

Divorce him and rent an apartment in your current school district. That will be infinitely better for you, and your daughter, than sticking around to see what's next and how low your husband can sink.
Depression can render people unable to move. Make your move before your depression makes you feel like you can't.

[Anonymous]

The fact that you mentioned vacations twice and it's only been 3 years since you've taken one leads me to believe you're a selfish, entitled, out of touch jerk.

Your husband is fighting for his life. Figure it the f out, lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce him and rent an apartment in your current school district. That will be infinitely better for you, and your daughter, than sticking around to see what's next and how low your husband can sink.
Depression can render people unable to move. Make your move before your depression makes you feel like you can't.

Yeah, my wife got cancer a few years back and I was all like screw this. Moved out, took the kids. She's still not dead, but I'm pretty sure she will be in the next year or two. So glad I got out of that toxic situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce him and rent an apartment in your current school district. That will be infinitely better for you, and your daughter, than sticking around to see what's next and how low your husband can sink.
Depression can render people unable to move. Make your move before your depression makes you feel like you can't.

Yeah, my wife got cancer a few years back and I was all like screw this. Moved out, took the kids. She's still not dead, but I'm pretty sure she will be in the next year or two. So glad I got out of that toxic situation.

Yep, cause that's totally the exact same situation as this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce him and rent an apartment in your current school district. That will be infinitely better for you, and your daughter, than sticking around to see what's next and how low your husband can sink.
Depression can render people unable to move. Make your move before your depression makes you feel like you can't.

Yeah, my wife got cancer a few years back and I was all like screw this. Moved out, took the kids. She's still not dead, but I'm pretty sure she will be in the next year or two. So glad I got out of that toxic situation.

Yep, cause that's totally the exact same situation as this

Pretty much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce him and rent an apartment in your current school district. That will be infinitely better for you, and your daughter, than sticking around to see what's next and how low your husband can sink.
Depression can render people unable to move. Make your move before your depression makes you feel like you can't.

Yeah, my wife got cancer a few years back and I was all like screw this. Moved out, took the kids. She's still not dead, but I'm pretty sure she will be in the next year or two. So glad I got out of that toxic situation.

Yep, cause that's totally the exact same situation as this

Pretty much.

Nope. Depression is contagious.

For men, it's often anger and aggression turned outwards. Cancer -- isn't.