Is this a normal personality trait, and/or should I do something about this?

[Anonymous]

So my DD is 13, and has a lot of great qualities--happy, excels in school and sports, is corny and fun and makes friends easily. She is very smart, but in a concrete way--will tell you facts and figures, how many hawks she saw in the sky that day, but doesn't want to get into long deep conversations about what's going on with people or in politics etc. She's also very independent, creates her own fun, and is not much trouble! It's fun to be her mom.

She has this one deficit, and I don't know what to call it, but I'm going to give you the latest example of it, in the hopes that someone here can

1) name what I'm talking about, and
2) tell me if it's just a normal variation, or developmentally normal, and
3) can it be improved, and if so, how.

The latest situation is this: DD is on a club team that replaced their coach, Coach Larlo, due to the coach not able to keep control of his temper. Coach Larlo ended up at a club team Astros and works under a person that also coaches the same sport at DD's school.

DD tells me that her school friend Judy told DD she joined Club Astros, and so DD told Judy about Coach Larlo. I asked what she said about Coach Larlo, and she says, "that our club owners had to fire him for yelling...." etc. She told a story or two, in a funny way.

This is not good on a number of levels:
First, when someone has already committed to a new club, it's not really cool to tell them negative things about the coach.
Second, this is sensitive stuff. Not really good payback for the coach, who has been good to her over time.
Third, it's foreseeable that Judy is probably going to tell her teammates, and her parents, who are going to then approach Coach Larlo's superior (again, who will be DDs school coach) to discuss what they heard.
Fourth, there's only one place that info could have come from--the gossip trail back to my DD is obvious. This is also foreseeable.


So I tried to talk to DD about this, but DD first said, "Well Judy is my friend!" and then, "FINE I shouldn't tell you anything!" Both of her responses were off-point.

What's bothering me is that this is just ONE example of this sort of blindness to the nuance of social situations.

I've just sort of thought this is a normal part of DDs different personality, as my other older DC has been attuned to social nuance since at least first grade.

But after this latest blunder, my DC said that "DDs (social mistake) is just so basic, and she's just so clueless about this stuff, it's an ongoing thing....I think she should get checked out; maybe she is on the spectrum, or maybe there is something that can be done about it, while she's still young."

So anyways, I'm not asking about the coach situation. I'm asking about what IS this blindness, and what if anything do I need to do about this?

Thank you in advance!

[Anonymous]

Possibly. But from this scenario, I don't really see any cluelessness - this seems completely typical.

[Anonymous]

Your DD is 13 and she lacks a filter and social finesse. That is totally normal. She's still a child. She doesn't totally understand social graces. She's THIRTEEN.

[Anonymous]

You should give a better example than that. A coach got fired for anger management issues and you want to protect the coach, and you got mad at your daughter for not protecting a grown man whose behavior toward children was so bad he lost his job for it. I took what she did as warning her friend to watch out for a problematic, possibly abusive (verbally, emotionally) coach. I’ve seen some of the stuff coaches get away with so for someone to be fired for anger management issues sounds pretty bad.

I call what your dd did: looking out for a friend and warning her about a possible problem.

I call what you did: worrying about what other people think about you rather than caring about your dd and her friend.

[Anonymous]

Autism/being on the spectrum is not about gossiping too much or social awkwardness. Nor is autism a dumping ground for social traits you do not like in your kids.

I agree with others that it would be perfectly normal for kids to gossip about this situation, and in fact it's a little strange that you would want to defend/protect that coach.

I also agree that at 13 your daughter shouldn't be expected to have perfect social skills anyway.

[Anonymous]

Why do I feel like the OP of this thread is not the mother but the older sister of the 13 year old?

The 13 year old seems perfectly fine. Middle schoolers shouldn’t be expected to understand all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should give a better example than that. A coach got fired for anger management issues and you want to protect the coach, and you got mad at your daughter for not protecting a grown man whose behavior toward children was so bad he lost his job for it. I took what she did as warning her friend to watch out for a problematic, possibly abusive (verbally, emotionally) coach. I’ve seen some of the stuff coaches get away with so for someone to be fired for anger management issues sounds pretty bad.

I call what your dd did: looking out for a friend and warning her about a possible problem.

I call what you did: worrying about what other people think about you rather than caring about your dd and her friend.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should give a better example than that. A coach got fired for anger management issues and you want to protect the coach, and you got mad at your daughter for not protecting a grown man whose behavior toward children was so bad he lost his job for it. I took what she did as warning her friend to watch out for a problematic, possibly abusive (verbally, emotionally) coach. I’ve seen some of the stuff coaches get away with so for someone to be fired for anger management issues sounds pretty bad.

I call what your dd did: looking out for a friend and warning her about a possible problem.

I call what you did: worrying about what other people think about you rather than caring about your dd and her friend.

I agree. I think that your daughter did the right thing by letting her friend know what she was getting into with the new coach.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter, who had experience with Coach X, told her friend, who was about to have experience with Coach X, about her experience with Coach X, and you're wondering whether this is a deficit and/or something abnormal you should do something about?

I don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter, who had experience with Coach X, told her friend, who was about to have experience with Coach X, about her experience with Coach X, and you're wondering whether this is a deficit and/or something abnormal you should do something about?

I don't get it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Is there another example? This place s pretty typical stuff for a teen or adult.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand. You think that your dd
might have a condition because she gossips. She is 13. She will eventually learn about problems with gossiping. Although her gossip is basically warning her friend about a bad coach.

[Anonymous]

Totally typical, and not at all “off point”. And my goodness, if a coach was fired for losing his temper, I would certainly give a heads-up to a friend. You’re unfairly comparing your DD to her older sibling and pathologizing normal 13 year old behavior. This is going to alienate your DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do I feel like the OP of this thread is not the mother but the older sister of the 13 year old?

The 13 year old seems perfectly fine. Middle schoolers shouldn’t be expected to understand all of this.

+1

[Anonymous]

This is a sign of her being impolitic, not autistic. Big, big difference.

13 is a hard age. In reality, it might be better for the kids to not have know full situation about the firing, although clearly they would logically surmise what happened. Then the gossiping would be more gossip than facts.

It sounds like, given her propensity to do this, you need to identify situations where it could happen and proactively tell her she should keep certain things to herself. I know you can't do every one, but some. So, you need to say things like, "As you know, you have a new coach now, one that we feel is better for your team. But, you still are very involved in Sport X, and may know others who are okay with his/her coaching style. It's important to keep your feelings to yourself."

Of course, depending on the level of temper issues, you may have other responsibilities to protect future athletes under this coach's charge, but I'm assuming there are no concerns there (not physical or verbal abuse).

You may also want to consider what you tell and don't tell your daughter. I have one child I would share more with than the other (both same age). One is just more trustworthy. I hope that will change, but right now I have to deal with the way it is.