Is this a normal personality trait, and/or should I do something about this?

[Anonymous]

I also don't have a problem with what your daughter said; assuming it was all true. She taught you what you already know - when you tell someone something then it's 'out there'. If you didn't want your daughter to say something, you shouldn't have told your daughter. Your daughter is doing the same thing with her friend that you did with her. I also don't know that you should be so proud of your other DC's social skills, considering what they said about their sister.

[Anonymous]

The example is not a social blunder. Don't protect angry adults who are there to coach our kids.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP. you’re the one with the problem, not your DD.

[Anonymous]

Not only does she sound completely normal for her age, but I know a lot of adults who would have done the same thing that she did. Yes, talking about the other child's new coach is a bit gossipy but since she knows him, she's going to talk about him. I doubt it's going to stay a big secret that he left because of the yelling. Obviously, her whole team knows this. It's going to get out.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the previous posters, I file this under no big deal. I can see my kids (14 and 11) saying the same thing to a friend and I wouldn't think they had a personality "flaw".

[Anonymous]

13 is tough. It just is. Stop overanalyzing her and trying to label her. Also, you give a ton of identifying information in your post.

[Anonymous]

Another viewpoint:
Background: DD is profoundly GT/LD (so has diagnosed developmental issues) but an autism diagnosis has consistently been ruled out (I tried, it might have helped coordinating school services). DD really is a great kid and I enjoy being her mom. She has a variety of friends but isn't the type to immediately make friends in a new situation.

I haven't gotten the written neuro-psych report yet but in speaking with the psychologists doing the testing earlier this week I think they are leaning towards a social pragmatic communication disorder dx. When they explained this they seemed to be positioning it as autism-lite - just certain aspects of social vulnerabilities without meeting criteria for autism. I agree that DD has vulnerabilities in this area but tend to think this dx would be too extreme given what all the previous professional reports say.

In DD's case I see it for adjusting her tone for interacting with different friends. Recently she'd had a full day with one friend that tends towards dominant/bossy and is a bit socially awkward. The next day DD was with another friend that is more regularly the gracefully polite type. I was able to see that the 2nd friend was uncomfortable with DD's more contrary conversation that day. I'm probably not explaining this well but basically DD seems behind her peers in being able to think through and judge some social situations for how she should present herself. She's a good observer of social interactions but sometimes can't use those observation skills 'in the moment' to filter what and how she says things socially.

If you google social pragmatic communication you find more information and judge for yourself if any of it "rings true" for your daughter.

[Anonymous]

This seems age appropriate to me.

[Anonymous]

IDK. If your daughter is gifted, gifted children often mature socially less quickly than other children. My IQ is in the highly gifted range, and until I was about 15 or 16, I was quite blunt with people. Not hurtful, usually, but more direct and honest than my peers.

I later held jobs that required exquisitely honed diplomatic skills. So somewhere along the way I did learn to pick up social cues more adeptly. However, I did go through a phase when I went the opposite extreme and I was very reluctant to share my thoughts or be assertive, which is not good either.

Please don’t be so hard on your daughter. Just because she’s different, it doesn’t mean she’s “wrong.” She sounds like a normal 13-year old to me.

You may be hyper vigilant and hypersensitive n a way that she is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a sign of her being impolitic, not autistic. Big, big difference.

13 is a hard age. In reality, it might be better for the kids to not have know full situation about the firing, although clearly they would logically surmise what happened. Then the gossiping would be more gossip than facts.

It sounds like, given her propensity to do this, you need to identify situations where it could happen and proactively tell her she should keep certain things to herself. I know you can't do every one, but some. So, you need to say things like, "As you know, you have a new coach now, one that we feel is better for your team. But, you still are very involved in Sport X, and may know others who are okay with his/her coaching style. It's important to keep your feelings to yourself."

Of course, depending on the level of temper issues, you may have other responsibilities to protect future athletes under this coach's charge, but I'm assuming there are no concerns there (not physical or verbal abuse).

You may also want to consider what you tell and don't tell your daughter. I have one child I would share more with than the other (both same age). One is just more trustworthy. I hope that will change, but right now I have to deal with the way it is.

I wonder what he was fired for then.

I’m shocked so many people are saying the kid is a gossip. What if a teacher had been fired from another school for not being able to control his temper, and your child were placed in his class. Your child’s friend was in his class at the old school, and heard about the new placement. Imagine your kid’s friend giving your kid a heads up about what happened, and then getting in trouble with her mom and being sent to a psychiatrist for testing because they gave your kid a heads up. As a parent, I’d appreciate the warning so I can keep a closer eye on the situation and know the teacher’s history. I’d be disgusted with the other parent for thinking being helpful and looking out for a friend means her kid has a psychological disorder or autism. I’d also feel sorry for for her kids that the one who tried to share info is going to be afraid to tell her mom anything, and that the sibling thinks that’s so inappropriate she has autism. Also that the mom is “gossiping” (since mom loves that word so much) about the younger sibling to the older one. How inappropriate and divisive is that, not only to compare but to try to get the older hold to find fault with the younger to the point mom is encouraging the older one to label the younger one autistic.

And so many women protecting a grown man who was fired for losing his temper with children. What’s up with that?

[Anonymous]

Seems totally typical for her age. Kids don't have a lot of social insight at this age. Her reaction tells me she now realizes it was a blunder and she's embarrassed. Use it as a teachable moment and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems totally typical for her age. Kids don't have a lot of social insight at this age. Her reaction tells me she now realizes it was a blunder and she's embarrassed. Use it as a teachable moment and move on.

I don't understand why it's a blunder.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter did nothing wrong. Who cares if the angry coach realizes that the information came from someone on his old team? Did you sign nondisclosures?

As for you saying that her response that she will tell you nothing in the future is "off point," I disagree. You are being very critical of her over dealing with a situation in a normal way, because it is not the way you would have dealt with it (which is, I guess, cover up for the angry man and let the 13 year old kid discover on her own he's got anger issues?). Honestly if someone in this discussion has warped social graces it's you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should give a better example than that. A coach got fired for anger management issues and you want to protect the coach, and you got mad at your daughter for not protecting a grown man whose behavior toward children was so bad he lost his job for it. I took what she did as warning her friend to watch out for a problematic, possibly abusive (verbally, emotionally) coach. I’ve seen some of the stuff coaches get away with so for someone to be fired for anger management issues sounds pretty bad.

I call what your dd did: looking out for a friend and warning her about a possible problem.

I call what you did: worrying about what other people think about you rather than caring about your dd and her friend.

OP here. I understand what you are saying, PP, and that makes me want to clarify/add information.

First, if she had done it to warn her friend, that would make sense. But it was to gossip/tell funny stories.

Second, nobody is in danger here, and the coach IS a yeller but it's arguable if he is too much of a yeller. For instance if he were coaching on a boys' team, I don't think there would be an issue. I think the owners wanted a different style, a more positive approach. Some parents/kids were relieved he was gone; some parents/kids went with him.

Second, it's not about me; I don't get how you got there, PP. I'm worried about my DDs seemingly lack of ability to think three steps ahead in a social situation. She could have told her friend in a more serious manner, in concern about her, and I would have had no problem with this. But she was just shooting her mouth off, unaware of the ramifications to the coach's reputation and also to HER future working with the school coach. The circle is small enough that one has to have a little tact.

And I brought it up here only because my older DC said I need to question my own assumptions about if this is normal behavior, because DD is 13, not 7, and should know better by now, and it's not just a one-off "whoops" but a blind spot. If, as another PP said, cut her slack because she's 13 and it's normal, then fine. Maybe my DC is advanced on this issue, so to her, my DD looks to be lagging...I'm just not sure which way to look at it. My DC is very astute so I'm trying to look at it in a different way and that's why I'm asking.

[Anonymous]

There are many, many adults would would not have done things any differently than your daughter, and they are totally normal. I can't even imagine expecting my kid to think "three steps ahead in a social situation." Most people just don't think that way.