Is this a normal personality trait, and/or should I do something about this?

[Anonymous]

So the blunder is that Larla told her friend about Coach X, and her friend might tell somebody else, and then Coach X might find out, and then Coach X might tell Larla's current coach, and that might be awkward, so Larla shouldn't have told her friend about Coach X -- and that's just such a basic social mistake and Larla is clueless?

I can spot multiple issues here, none of which are Larla telling her friend about Coach X.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should give a better example than that. A coach got fired for anger management issues and you want to protect the coach, and you got mad at your daughter for not protecting a grown man whose behavior toward children was so bad he lost his job for it. I took what she did as warning her friend to watch out for a problematic, possibly abusive (verbally, emotionally) coach. I’ve seen some of the stuff coaches get away with so for someone to be fired for anger management issues sounds pretty bad.

I call what your dd did: looking out for a friend and warning her about a possible problem.

I call what you did: worrying about what other people think about you rather than caring about your dd and her friend.

OP here. I understand what you are saying, PP, and that makes me want to clarify/add information.

First, if she had done it to warn her friend, that would make sense. But it was to gossip/tell funny stories.

Second, nobody is in danger here, and the coach IS a yeller but it's arguable if he is too much of a yeller. For instance if he were coaching on a boys' team, I don't think there would be an issue. I think the owners wanted a different style, a more positive approach. Some parents/kids were relieved he was gone; some parents/kids went with him.

Second, it's not about me; I don't get how you got there, PP. I'm worried about my DDs seemingly lack of ability to think three steps ahead in a social situation. She could have told her friend in a more serious manner, in concern about her, and I would have had no problem with this. But she was just shooting her mouth off, unaware of the ramifications to the coach's reputation and also to HER future working with the school coach. The circle is small enough that one has to have a little tact.

And I brought it up here only because my older DC said I need to question my own assumptions about if this is normal behavior, because DD is 13, not 7, and should know better by now, and it's not just a one-off "whoops" but a blind spot. If, as another PP said, cut her slack because she's 13 and it's normal, then fine. Maybe my DC is advanced on this issue, so to her, my DD looks to be lagging...I'm just not sure which way to look at it. My DC is very astute so I'm trying to look at it in a different way and that's why I'm asking.

You just don’t get it. Your child is completely fine. What she did was fine also. She is warning her friend. How she presented the facts, is up to her, not you. You sound nuts. You have given no other example

[Anonymous]

Meghan Leahy recently wrote a column for the Post that might be helpful to you, OP: https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/on-parenting/disagree-with-school-fundraiser-your-child-might-be-too-young-to-understand/2018/05/29/83fc2d62-5d08-11e8-9ee3-49d6d4814c4c_story.html?utm_term=.53e70eb1d508

The gist of it as it relates to you is that when we share information with our kids, it's important to keep in mind their maturity, propensity to share, etc., and use that information to make judgments about what you share with them. If your daughter tends to gossip, I would keep that in mind when deciding whether to share sensitive information with her that you wouldn't want her sharing with other people.

[Anonymous]

She's gossiping with a friend and told true information. She's 13. She's fine. You are the one with the problem - you talk WAY too much.

Your entire post could have been "My DD gossiped to her friend about why her coach got fired and I'm upset - what do you suggest?"

We did not need to know that your daughter is on honor roll or counts birds.

[Anonymous]

OP again, ok, now I've read all the replies. There have been some really helpful ones and even the snarky ones are helpful. Thank you, PPs.

Going to google "social pragmatic communication" now, and also I am in the same boat as a PP who said that she shares more with one child than the other due to this difference in (personality).

I personally think the behavior is normal for a 13 y.o. and my older kid is just very nuanced on this issue. I'm not comparing DD to my older kid AS an older kid. My older kid would not have done this even when she was 8; that's the comparison I'm making.

[Anonymous]

OP here--thanks 11:45

[Anonymous]

I honestly don't see the problem with what your daughter said. A different person might have not said anything, but really--if your friend says her company just hired X as her new supervisor, and you recently worked with X and knew that he got fired for yelling a lot, you really wouldn't say anything to your friend? Because your friend might tell someone who might tell someone who might tell someone that you work with?

Some people might be more discreet, but your daughter didn't do anything wrong. If she was sharing secrets, or slandering people, or exaggerating or pretending to have first-hand knowledge that she didn't really have--that would be one thing. But she sounds totally normal.

[Anonymous]

I actually think your DD was completely in the right to give her friend a head's up that her new coach is a yeller. That's information I'd want to know and want my friend to know. Her only mistake was telling you, apparently.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you’re either over sharing way too much with your older child, or depending on your older child to parent the younger one too much. I’ve seen that happen, where the older child is advanced/gifted/wise beyond her years/basically a goddess and he younger child is never able to live up to those standards, just because she’s different. Not bad, just doesn’t do things the way the golden child would. The biggest problem occurs when the parents and older child team up against the other child.

I can’t imagine having in depth conversations with my son about his sister that would result in him suggesting she’s on the spectrum for gossiping (aka telling a true story to someone who could be affected by the info presented in the story).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you’re either over sharing way too much with your older child, or depending on your older child to parent the younger one too much. I’ve seen that happen, where the older child is advanced/gifted/wise beyond her years/basically a goddess and he younger child is never able to live up to those standards, just because she’s different. Not bad, just doesn’t do things the way the golden child would. The biggest problem occurs when the parents and older child team up against the other child.

I can’t imagine having in depth conversations with my son about his sister that would result in him suggesting she’s on the spectrum for gossiping (aka telling a true story to someone who could be affected by the info presented in the story).

[phone]

[Anonymous]

OP, just be honest. You want a politically savvy kid, who would become a politically savvy adult and use the skills to advance her career in the drone corporate environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DD is 13 and she lacks a filter and social finesse. That is totally normal. She's still a child. She doesn't totally understand social graces. She's THIRTEEN.

Totally normal 13 year old.

[Anonymous]

Older siblings are not generally good judges of younger siblings' needs and behaviors. Good god, you are going to take the older sister's word that the younger sister is AUTISTIC????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a sign of her being impolitic, not autistic. Big, big difference.

13 is a hard age. In reality, it might be better for the kids to not have know full situation about the firing, although clearly they would logically surmise what happened. Then the gossiping would be more gossip than facts.

It sounds like, given her propensity to do this, you need to identify situations where it could happen and proactively tell her she should keep certain things to herself. I know you can't do every one, but some. So, you need to say things like, "As you know, you have a new coach now, one that we feel is better for your team. But, you still are very involved in Sport X, and may know others who are okay with his/her coaching style. It's important to keep your feelings to yourself."

Of course, depending on the level of temper issues, you may have other responsibilities to protect future athletes under this coach's charge, but I'm assuming there are no concerns there (not physical or verbal abuse).

You may also want to consider what you tell and don't tell your daughter. I have one child I would share more with than the other (both same age). One is just more trustworthy. I hope that will change, but right now I have to deal with the way it is.

Yes. I also wonder if your DD is more outgoing and chatty than you typically. My sister and I differ in this way. It's way harder for me to hold my tongue even when I know I should. I tend to be a little more brash, call it like I see it. etc. Sometimes it gets me in trouble, but as an adult, you I've learned how to make manage just fine. The world needs truth speakers just as much as it needs ass-kissers. And really, the coach knows the word is going to get out in this situation. In any sport, this word would travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally typical, and not at all “off point”. And my goodness, if a coach was fired for losing his temper, I would certainly give a heads-up to a friend. You’re unfairly comparing your DD to her older sibling and pathologizing normal 13 year old behavior. This is going to alienate your DD.

Your off point comment makes me think the larger issue is your communication with your kid. How many times over the years have other kids told you kid that the teacher she got is awful? This is totally normal - but your perspective with your child is off.