Dating: I want to be friends first

[Anonymous]

If a woman or a man says that they want to be friends before dating, what does this mean to you:

1. Do you let them know that there will be no sex or sexual flirting?

2. How do you prioritize a dating friendship against your other friendships?

3. Do you put extra effort into looking nice for the date?

4. Do you feel that there was a loss of romance once you move into serious dating?

5. Do you pay for your portion of the dates?

[Anonymous]

It means I start looking in a different direction for my dates.

[Anonymous]

It means that I keep on moving. When I was dating I was all for getting to know each other first and taking things slow...but we were still dating. Being friends before dating? I didn't need more friends.

[Anonymous]

Seems that the person saying it probably wants a FWB scenario.

[Anonymous]

If you want to date, do the dating stuff. In bed included.

[Anonymous]

This is dating without sex. It is not being friends. Beimg friends means there is no dating in the future. If you go on dates, you are dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It means I start looking in a different direction for my dates.

Yep, this.

[Anonymous]

Depends on the situation. If you met at something that isn't about dating (a race, through friends, the gym, etc), then it makes sense. If you met through something specifically for dating, such as online dating, than I'd think you wanted to keep me around but also wanted to keep your options open. I completely understand wanting to develop a friendship first (in fact I think it's the smart thing to do), but I see online dating as very targeted, and I think anyone who went in there looking for friends would be very unsuccessful. Especially if they basically wanted a dating relationship (weekly dates, contact every day, going to nice places, the guy pays, not seeing other people, etc) without actually calling it dating.

To answer your questions:

1. If someone wants to be friends only, I'd appreciate it if they let me know sex is off the table. For me, I'd still have sex if they wanted to because I can handle FWB.

2. At this point, they aren't a friend, they are an acquaintance, so I'd treat them like any other acquaintance. They'd be a very low priority. If we had a common interest I would invite them out for it maybe once a month or so. No long phone calls, no marathon texting sessions. My long term friendships would come first. After a few weeks/months, if we really hit it off as friends, I would make them a higher priority.

3. I'd put the same amount of effort in that I would any other friendship. It would depend more on what we were doing.

4. Romance comes in many forms. I wouldn't worry about it.

5. Yes, absolutely everyone pays for themselves.

I think a good rule of thumb is: would I continue this friendship if either of us started dating someone else? If so, then go ahead and develop a friendship. If not, then give it a couple real dates and end it if things don't click.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the situation. If you met at something that isn't about dating (a race, through friends, the gym, etc), then it makes sense. If you met through something specifically for dating, such as online dating, than I'd think you wanted to keep me around but also wanted to keep your options open. I completely understand wanting to develop a friendship first (in fact I think it's the smart thing to do), but I see online dating as very targeted, and I think anyone who went in there looking for friends would be very unsuccessful. Especially if they basically wanted a dating relationship (weekly dates, contact every day, going to nice places, the guy pays, not seeing other people, etc) without actually calling it dating.

To answer your questions:

1. If someone wants to be friends only, I'd appreciate it if they let me know sex is off the table. For me, I'd still have sex if they wanted to because I can handle FWB.

2. At this point, they aren't a friend, they are an acquaintance, so I'd treat them like any other acquaintance. They'd be a very low priority. If we had a common interest I would invite them out for it maybe once a month or so. No long phone calls, no marathon texting sessions. My long term friendships would come first. After a few weeks/months, if we really hit it off as friends, I would make them a higher priority.

3. I'd put the same amount of effort in that I would any other friendship. It would depend more on what we were doing.

4. Romance comes in many forms. I wouldn't worry about it.

5. Yes, absolutely everyone pays for themselves.

I think a good rule of thumb is: would I continue this friendship if either of us started dating someone else? If so, then go ahead and develop a friendship. If not, then give it a couple real dates and end it if things don't click.

NP. This is great advice. I'm someone that needs to know someone pretty well before I can move forward. I would do well in an environment that supported old fashioned courtship. But that is not the world we live in anymore. So online dating really doesn't work for me. I need to meet people through common interests where we see each other on a regular basis over an extended period of time.

[Anonymous]

I am not trying to be a hard-ass here, but I think if someone says this you should look somewhere else at least for dating. Be friends with them if you want, but generally people who say this (usually women) (A) are not particularly interested in you (B) have unreasonable expectations that people will want to have relationships on only their terms and (C) still want you to give them courting/romantic attention while keeping the relationship platonic.

Treat it like any other potential friendship. If you enjoy socializing with the person platonically, do so. New friends are great! But don't pursue a romantic relationship with this person.

[Anonymous]

What it means to me is, "Move on and don't waste your time with this person".

[Anonymous]

I’m currently dating and when I see this I move along. It says to me that they are no where near ready for commitment, for whatever reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m currently dating and when I see this I move along. It says to me that they are no where near ready for commitment, for whatever reason.

Let me add that I am a woman and I see this on people’s main profile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not trying to be a hard-ass here, but I think if someone says this you should look somewhere else at least for dating. Be friends with them if you want, but generally people who say this (usually women) (A) are not particularly interested in you (B) have unreasonable expectations that people will want to have relationships on only their terms and (C) still want you to give them courting/romantic attention while keeping the relationship platonic.

Treat it like any other potential friendship. If you enjoy socializing with the person platonically, do so. New friends are great! But don't pursue a romantic relationship with this person.

This is the main problem I see, from both men and women. They say they want to be friends, but men still want the woman to put out, and women still want the man to woo her and pay for dates.

If you were really just friends, the other person should have no problem with you, say, flirting with or giving your number to another person while you two are hanging out.

[Anonymous]

They say they want to be friends, but men still want the woman to put out,

If they’re looking for something serious, a big if of course, they’re looking for that best friend. And as far as “putting out”, if you see sex in an exclusive relationship as a zero-sum game - the woman loses somehow if the guy is happy - you need to stay home and raise cats.