Dating: I want to be friends first

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

They say they want to be friends, but men still want the woman to put out,

If they’re looking for something serious, a big if of course, they’re looking for that best friend. And as far as “putting out”, if you see sex in an exclusive relationship as a zero-sum game - the woman loses somehow if the guy is happy - you need to stay home and raise cats.

WTF? Please explain your post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a woman or a man says that they want to be friends before dating, what does this mean to you:

1. Do you let them know that there will be no sex or sexual flirting?

2. How do you prioritize a dating friendship against your other friendships?

3. Do you put extra effort into looking nice for the date?

4. Do you feel that there was a loss of romance once you move into serious dating?

5. Do you pay for your portion of the dates?

It means he/ she is homosexual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not trying to be a hard-ass here, but I think if someone says this you should look somewhere else at least for dating. Be friends with them if you want, but generally people who say this (usually women) (A) are not particularly interested in you (B) have unreasonable expectations that people will want to have relationships on only their terms and (C) still want you to give them courting/romantic attention while keeping the relationship platonic.

Treat it like any other potential friendship. If you enjoy socializing with the person platonically, do so. New friends are great! But don't pursue a romantic relationship with this person.

This is the main problem I see, from both men and women. They say they want to be friends, but men still want the woman to put out, and women still want the man to woo her and pay for dates.

If you were really just friends, the other person should have no problem with you, say, flirting with or giving your number to another person while you two are hanging out.

OP here. This is exactly what I tell guys that want to be "friends." With my true male/female friendships, there is a certain level of understanding if I cancel at the last minute, or do not share the same interest in a certain restaurant--I am not going. They can find another friend to go with them. It's no big deal.

There is a greater level of compromise with a dating relationship that is not there with a friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

They say they want to be friends, but men still want the woman to put out,

If they’re looking for something serious, a big if of course, they’re looking for that best friend. And as far as “putting out”, if you see sex in an exclusive relationship as a zero-sum game - the woman loses somehow if the guy is happy - you need to stay home and raise cats.

WTF? Please explain your post.

If you wish to pursue a relationship with the guy, why would you not want to have sex with him. Not waiting till you “know he’s the one”, or till you know he’s going to propose, or until you know everything about him. You and he are trying to see where it goes. Do the relationship stuff. It’s not putting out, it’s enjoying each other.

If you have an aversion to that, why are you trying to date men?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

They say they want to be friends, but men still want the woman to put out,

If they’re looking for something serious, a big if of course, they’re looking for that best friend. And as far as “putting out”, if you see sex in an exclusive relationship as a zero-sum game - the woman loses somehow if the guy is happy - you need to stay home and raise cats.

WTF? Please explain your post.

If you wish to pursue a relationship with the guy, why would you not want to have sex with him. Not waiting till you “know he’s the one”, or till you know he’s going to propose, or until you know everything about him. You and he are trying to see where it goes. Do the relationship stuff. It’s not putting out, it’s enjoying each other.

If you have an aversion to that, why are you trying to date men?

I don't have sex with friends. There is no sensual, romantic aspect to friendships. And it's not about the gnder differences in sexual needs either. I am sensual, verbal and visual with my sexual partner. I Why would I want to rob myself of the full spectrum of sex? I want to let him know at dinner time that i plan on sw^llow*ing tonight, so he better drink plenty of water the day before. Do you get it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a woman or a man says that they want to be friends before dating, what does this mean to you:

1. Do you let them know that there will be no sex or sexual flirting?

2. How do you prioritize a dating friendship against your other friendships?

3. Do you put extra effort into looking nice for the date?

4. Do you feel that there was a loss of romance once you move into serious dating?

5. Do you pay for your portion of the dates?

It means they have unresolved relationship or sexual trauma. I would probably not get too attached to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a woman or a man says that they want to be friends before dating, what does this mean to you:

1. Do you let them know that there will be no sex or sexual flirting?

2. How do you prioritize a dating friendship against your other friendships?

3. Do you put extra effort into looking nice for the date?

4. Do you feel that there was a loss of romance once you move into serious dating?

5. Do you pay for your portion of the dates?

If they want to be friends before dating it tells me they are smarter than the average bear out there.

I don't want someone that sleeps around. Yes you both should pay your portion. If you have more questions ask the person so there's no miscommunication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

They say they want to be friends, but men still want the woman to put out,

If they’re looking for something serious, a big if of course, they’re looking for that best friend. And as far as “putting out”, if you see sex in an exclusive relationship as a zero-sum game - the woman loses somehow if the guy is happy - you need to stay home and raise cats.

WTF? Please explain your post.

If you wish to pursue a relationship with the guy, why would you not want to have sex with him. Not waiting till you “know he’s the one”, or till you know he’s going to propose, or until you know everything about him. You and he are trying to see where it goes. Do the relationship stuff. It’s not putting out, it’s enjoying each other.

If you have an aversion to that, why are you trying to date men?

I don't have sex with friends. There is no sensual, romantic aspect to friendships. And it's not about the gnder differences in sexual needs either. I am sensual, verbal and visual with my sexual partner. I Why would I want to rob myself of the full spectrum of sex? I want to let him know at dinner time that i plan on sw^llow*ing tonight, so he better drink plenty of water the day before. Do you get it?

lol Yeah you sound like a real keeper! (not)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not trying to be a hard-ass here, but I think if someone says this you should look somewhere else at least for dating. Be friends with them if you want, but generally people who say this (usually women) (A) are not particularly interested in you (B) have unreasonable expectations that people will want to have relationships on only their terms and (C) still want you to give them courting/romantic attention while keeping the relationship platonic.

Treat it like any other potential friendship. If you enjoy socializing with the person platonically, do so. New friends are great! But don't pursue a romantic relationship with this person.

This is the main problem I see, from both men and women. They say they want to be friends, but men still want the woman to put out, and women still want the man to woo her and pay for dates.

If you were really just friends, the other person should have no problem with you, say, flirting with or giving your number to another person while you two are hanging out.

OP here. This is exactly what I tell guys that want to be "friends." With my true male/female friendships, there is a certain level of understanding if I cancel at the last minute, or do not share the same interest in a certain restaurant--I am not going. They can find another friend to go with them. It's no big deal.

There is a greater level of compromise with a dating relationship that is not there with a friendship.

If you commit and make plans you don't bail no matter who it is. It's called being responsible.

Canceling at the last minute unless it's an emergency says FLAKE!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not trying to be a hard-ass here, but I think if someone says this you should look somewhere else at least for dating. Be friends with them if you want, but generally people who say this (usually women) (A) are not particularly interested in you (B) have unreasonable expectations that people will want to have relationships on only their terms and (C) still want you to give them courting/romantic attention while keeping the relationship platonic.

Treat it like any other potential friendship. If you enjoy socializing with the person platonically, do so. New friends are great! But don't pursue a romantic relationship with this person.

This is the main problem I see, from both men and women. They say they want to be friends, but men still want the woman to put out, and women still want the man to woo her and pay for dates.

If you were really just friends, the other person should have no problem with you, say, flirting with or giving your number to another person while you two are hanging out.

OP here. This is exactly what I tell guys that want to be "friends." With my true male/female friendships, there is a certain level of understanding if I cancel at the last minute, or do not share the same interest in a certain restaurant--I am not going. They can find another friend to go with them. It's no big deal.

There is a greater level of compromise with a dating relationship that is not there with a friendship.

If you commit and make plans you don't bail no matter who it is. It's called being responsible.

Canceling at the last minute unless it's an emergency says FLAKE!

Stop acting ridiculous. Your true friends understand if you need to reschedule something. It's called friendship.

[Anonymous]

This is the main problem I see, from both men and women. They say they want to be friends, but men still want the woman to put out, and women still want the man to woo her and pay for dates.

I don’t woo or pay for my friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not trying to be a hard-ass here, but I think if someone says this you should look somewhere else at least for dating. Be friends with them if you want, but generally people who say this (usually women) (A) are not particularly interested in you (B) have unreasonable expectations that people will want to have relationships on only their terms and (C) still want you to give them courting/romantic attention while keeping the relationship platonic.

Treat it like any other potential friendship. If you enjoy socializing with the person platonically, do so. New friends are great! But don't pursue a romantic relationship with this person.

This is the main problem I see, from both men and women. They say they want to be friends, but men still want the woman to put out, and women still want the man to woo her and pay for dates.

If you were really just friends, the other person should have no problem with you, say, flirting with or giving your number to another person while you two are hanging out.

OP here. This is exactly what I tell guys that want to be "friends." With my true male/female friendships, there is a certain level of understanding if I cancel at the last minute, or do not share the same interest in a certain restaurant--I am not going. They can find another friend to go with them. It's no big deal.

There is a greater level of compromise with a dating relationship that is not there with a friendship.

If you commit and make plans you don't bail no matter who it is. It's called being responsible.

Canceling at the last minute unless it's an emergency says FLAKE!

Stop acting ridiculous. Your true friends understand if you need to reschedule something. It's called friendship.

Yes because they do the same thing. Likes attract.

[Anonymous]

It's best to get to know the person first. Sleep together after you know each other well and commit to not dating others. Both can pay for their own meals, etc. I don't see a big deal here.

[Anonymous]

That’s what I said to my now husband when we were first dating. That said, it did not go over well.

I had just gotten out of a relationship so I didn’t want to rush into another so quickly. I liked him, but I also wanted a chance to just really get to know him better before introducing all the complications of officially “dating”. The anxiety over labels, exclusivity, uncertainty, jealousy, expectations, moving too fast because you hate that uncertainty, etc. I wanted to really know him as a person, not as some title or role he would play in my life.

But as I said, it did not go over well. He thought I was a bitch playing games and said so much, and then lashed out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s what I said to my now husband when we were first dating. That said, it did not go over well.

I had just gotten out of a relationship so I didn’t want to rush into another so quickly. I liked him, but I also wanted a chance to just really get to know him better before introducing all the complications of officially “dating”. The anxiety over labels, exclusivity, uncertainty, jealousy, expectations, moving too fast because you hate that uncertainty, etc. I wanted to really know him as a person, not as some title or role he would play in my life.

But as I said, it did not go over well. He thought I was a bitch playing games and said so much, and then lashed out.

Also the expectation of sex. I wanted to take things slowly in that area, especially because I saw potential for something long term with him, and I didn’t want to make the mistake of rushing that part again. I guess I wanted the innocence of friendship first- when it is about genuinely liking someone, without expectations of what they would give you. To just like being with them and getting to know them. And then for the physical intimacy to happen afterward. Because honestly, sex is always kind of a selfish act, no? Even at its best.