Dating: I want to be friends first

[Anonymous]

That is not good imo. If one person is saying that to other, it is a clear sign of not wanting to date that person. Not a single woman will say that to a man that she wants to date.

[Anonymous]

Every man knows what it means when a woman says she wants to be friends.

Namely, he ain't gettin' none.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s what I said to my now husband when we were first dating. That said, it did not go over well.

I had just gotten out of a relationship so I didn’t want to rush into another so quickly. I liked him, but I also wanted a chance to just really get to know him better before introducing all the complications of officially “dating”. The anxiety over labels, exclusivity, uncertainty, jealousy, expectations, moving too fast because you hate that uncertainty, etc. I wanted to really know him as a person, not as some title or role he would play in my life.

But as I said, it did not go over well. He thought I was a bitch playing games and said so much, and then lashed out.

Also the expectation of sex. I wanted to take things slowly in that area, especially because I saw potential for something long term with him, and I didn’t want to make the mistake of rushing that part again. I guess I wanted the innocence of friendship first- when it is about genuinely liking someone, without expectations of what they would give you. To just like being with them and getting to know them. And then for the physical intimacy to happen afterward. Because honestly, sex is always kind of a selfish act, no? Even at its best.

For women yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not trying to be a hard-ass here, but I think if someone says this you should look somewhere else at least for dating. Be friends with them if you want, but generally people who say this (usually women) (A) are not particularly interested in you (B) have unreasonable expectations that people will want to have relationships on only their terms and (C) still want you to give them courting/romantic attention while keeping the relationship platonic.

Treat it like any other potential friendship. If you enjoy socializing with the person platonically, do so. New friends are great! But don't pursue a romantic relationship with this person.

This is the main problem I see, from both men and women. They say they want to be friends, but men still want the woman to put out, and women still want the man to woo her and pay for dates.

If you were really just friends, the other person should have no problem with you, say, flirting with or giving your number to another person while you two are hanging out.

OP here. This is exactly what I tell guys that want to be "friends." With my true male/female friendships, there is a certain level of understanding if I cancel at the last minute, or do not share the same interest in a certain restaurant--I am not going. They can find another friend to go with them. It's no big deal.

There is a greater level of compromise with a dating relationship that is not there with a friendship.

Oh I see now... you're just selfish I mean if a "friend" proposes a restaurant you don't care for then why waste your time right? and they should be totally cool with you canceling plans on them last minute too. Wow!

[Anonymous]

I'm a woman, and here's what I don't understand: in this day-and-age, women are still expecting a man to pay for the date? Wow, I gotta say, that is twisted. Expecting or even letting the guy pay for both of you means that you lose agency in the relationship; if you decide he's not for you, you have wasted his time AND his money, and added one more drop to the cynicism of men, and contributed to the idea that men 'deserve' something from women. No wonder all these guys feel entitled to grab and grope, if they are still expected to pay!

I owe nothing to a man, and thus, I am free to enjoy them friends, lovers, whatever Ifeels right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is not good imo. If one person is saying that to other, it is a clear sign of not wanting to date that person. Not a single woman will say that to a man that she wants to date.

You're clearly misunderstanding the phrase. There are many ways to convey to someone that you want to get to know them better. Mainly because you see a long term possibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman, and here's what I don't understand: in this day-and-age, women are still expecting a man to pay for the date? Wow, I gotta say, that is twisted. Expecting or even letting the guy pay for both of you means that you lose agency in the relationship; if you decide he's not for you, you have wasted his time AND his money, and added one more drop to the cynicism of men, and contributed to the idea that men 'deserve' something from women. No wonder all these guys feel entitled to grab and grope, if they are still expected to pay!

I owe nothing to a man, and thus, I am free to enjoy them friends, lovers, whatever Ifeels right.

If someone offers to pay it's fine. The other can leave the tip, or be thoughtful in other ways. No one is owed anything because of those gestures. Especially sex. If someone expects sex or feel they are owed that's their problem.

[Anonymous]

if someone told me they prefer to take thing slow I'd get what they meant. if they said I want to be friends first I'd assume they weren't looking to date ME period (and move on)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

They say they want to be friends, but men still want the woman to put out,

If they’re looking for something serious, a big if of course, they’re looking for that best friend. And as far as “putting out”, if you see sex in an exclusive relationship as a zero-sum game - the woman loses somehow if the guy is happy - you need to stay home and raise cats.

WTF? Please explain your post.

If you wish to pursue a relationship with the guy, why would you not want to have sex with him. Not waiting till you “know he’s the one”, or till you know he’s going to propose, or until you know everything about him. You and he are trying to see where it goes. Do the relationship stuff. It’s not putting out, it’s enjoying each other.

If you have an aversion to that, why are you trying to date men?

For one I want to get to know him before sex. If we're not compatible in interests, communication, etc. there's no need to move forward. If he tries to have sex right away I know he's done so with with many women. Big turn off and a risk to my health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:if someone told me they prefer to take thing slow I'd get what they meant. if they said I want to be friends first I'd assume they weren't looking to date ME period (and move on)

They would also know you're only looking for one thing. Anything of quality would move on.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can only assume you are young. The whole point of dating (for grown ups) is to explore the potential for a more meaningful relationship. You can decide how fast or slow things progress both physically and emotionally. You only complicate things buy trying to label things. Just be CLEAR about what you want (or don't) and then that person can decide if they are ok with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if someone told me they prefer to take thing slow I'd get what they meant. if they said I want to be friends first I'd assume they weren't looking to date ME period (and move on)

They would also know you're only looking for one thing. Anything of quality would move on.

Nah. It's a way of telling someone you're not attracted to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not trying to be a hard-ass here, but I think if someone says this you should look somewhere else at least for dating. Be friends with them if you want, but generally people who say this (usually women) (A) are not particularly interested in you (B) have unreasonable expectations that people will want to have relationships on only their terms and (C) still want you to give them courting/romantic attention while keeping the relationship platonic.

Treat it like any other potential friendship. If you enjoy socializing with the person platonically, do so. New friends are great! But don't pursue a romantic relationship with this person.

This is the main problem I see, from both men and women. They say they want to be friends, but men still want the woman to put out, and women still want the man to woo her and pay for dates.

If you were really just friends, the other person should have no problem with you, say, flirting with or giving your number to another person while you two are hanging out.

OP here. This is exactly what I tell guys that want to be "friends." With my true male/female friendships, there is a certain level of understanding if I cancel at the last minute, or do not share the same interest in a certain restaurant--I am not going. They can find another friend to go with them. It's no big deal.

There is a greater level of compromise with a dating relationship that is not there with a friendship.

Oh I see now... you're just selfish I mean if a "friend" proposes a restaurant you don't care for then why waste your time right? and they should be totally cool with you canceling plans on them last minute too. Wow!

OP here. My long-standing friends do. We do not sweat the small stuff, nor become upset over a need to reschedule (which is not abused).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman, and here's what I don't understand: in this day-and-age, women are still expecting a man to pay for the date? Wow, I gotta say, that is twisted. Expecting or even letting the guy pay for both of you means that you lose agency in the relationship; if you decide he's not for you, you have wasted his time AND his money, and added one more drop to the cynicism of men, and contributed to the idea that men 'deserve' something from women. No wonder all these guys feel entitled to grab and grope, if they are still expected to pay!

I owe nothing to a man, and thus, I am free to enjoy them friends, lovers, whatever Ifeels right.

OP, here. Personally, I don't go out on dates unless I have a strong interest in the person. If there are doubts, and I still have to be attracted to you, we can meet for coffee. If a man asks me out, I do expect him to pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can only assume you are young. The whole point of dating (for grown ups) is to explore the potential for a more meaningful relationship. You can decide how fast or slow things progress both physically and emotionally. You only complicate things buy trying to label things. Just be CLEAR about what you want (or don't) and then that person can decide if they are ok with that.

That's what I gathered. Clearly communicate what you are or not looking for. Long term leading to marriage or what.

This allows for not wasting time and finding a good mate.