Should I have this affair?

[Anonymous]

My DH of 12 years has not been interested in sex for over 7 years. He literally recoils when I reach for him. I stay with him because of the kids and because in every other respect we have a good relationship, and, also, I'm scared of change. Leaving my husband would hurt my kids, my parents, his family, ugh...
For the past year, I have secretly lusted after a particular guy. It felt very safe and the guy didn't know, and I didn't really talk to him that often. Recently, over the past 3 months, we began talking more and more, and he confided that he is in a sexless marriage, too.
And, he is interested in me. We made a plan to meet one day, during the day, at his place, but I backed out at the last minute. I can't stop thinking about him, and the fact that I would love to have sex with someone again. Should I just go for it? I keep going back and forth.

[Anonymous]

Act with integrity. Either tell your DH your intentions or divorce him and then have the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Divorce your husband and find someone that can meet your needs

[Anonymous]

Talk to your husband first. Open the marriage or separate.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't believe that the other guy is in a sexless marriage. I'm cynical enough to think that he told you that to get you into bed. And no. You shouldn't have an affair. Act with honor.

[Anonymous]

I got a better question for ya OP...

Should HE have this affair?
What about his kids, his parents, his family?

Thought never crossed your mind did it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't believe that the other guy is in a sexless marriage. I'm cynical enough to think that he told you that to get you into bed. And no. You shouldn't have an affair. Act with honor.

OP here. I don't care if he's not in a sexless marriage actually. I just want someone's hands on me! And he is hot. I have discussed open marriage with my DH, and he is against it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't believe that the other guy is in a sexless marriage. I'm cynical enough to think that he told you that to get you into bed. And no. You shouldn't have an affair. Act with honor.

Based on DCUM, there are many men who are actually in sexless marriages.

[Anonymous]

Ask for an open marriage.

My friend was in this situation and had made plans to cheat. She backed out at the last minute and confessed what she was about to do her husband. They talked and it turns out that he was secretly bi but as time went on, he found himself more and more attracted to the same sex. He never acted on his desires because of the reasons you listed and the same reasons why my friend never went through with meeting the guy for her affair. They both love being married to each other and are a great parental team. They now have an open marriage and it's been about 5 years.

[Anonymous]

Have you had a serious discussion with your husband about the state of intimacy in your marriage? Have you asked him to see a doctor for possible health issues, or a therapist?

That should be your first step. Not sleeping with some other guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got a better question for ya OP...

Should HE have this affair?
What about his kids, his parents, his family?

Thought never crossed your mind did it?

This part doesn't bother me, sorry. I don't know his family, so it's easy to not consider their feelings. It's a far bigger deal for me to risk hurting my own family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you had a serious discussion with your husband about the state of intimacy in your marriage? Have you asked him to see a doctor for possible health issues, or a therapist?

That should be your first step. Not sleeping with some other guy.

OP here. Yes, we've had this discussion. And we've had the open relationship discussion. It's always, next week things will change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH of 12 years has not been interested in sex for over 7 years. He literally recoils when I reach for him. I stay with him because of the kids and because in every other respect we have a good relationship, and, also, I'm scared of change. Leaving my husband would hurt my kids, my parents, his family, ugh...
For the past year, I have secretly lusted after a particular guy. It felt very safe and the guy didn't know, and I didn't really talk to him that often. Recently, over the past 3 months, we began talking more and more, and he confided that he is in a sexless marriage, too.
And, he is interested in me. We made a plan to meet one day, during the day, at his place, but I backed out at the last minute. I can't stop thinking about him, and the fact that I would love to have sex with someone again. Should I just go for it? I keep going back and forth.

If you do this, it is very likely to destroy your marriage. Even if you think that your husband doesn't care about having sex with you, it is extremely likely that he cares very much about you having sex with someone else. Do you want to divorce? If so, divorce and then find an unencumbered partner. If not, tell your husband that you cannot take the lack of intimacy any longer and that something needs to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you had a serious discussion with your husband about the state of intimacy in your marriage? Have you asked him to see a doctor for possible health issues, or a therapist?

That should be your first step. Not sleeping with some other guy.

OP here. Yes, we've had this discussion. And we've had the open relationship discussion. It's always, next week things will change.

Then tell him that the change is coming now, whether he wants it or not. His options are open relationship or divorce.

But you have to mean it.

[Anonymous]

I think you present these options to DH: resume adequate intimate life together, open marriage, divorce.

An affair will likely lead to divorce anyway, better to do it thought fully so you don't mess up a lot of kids. Or maybe you can make don't ask, don't tell work. But DH cannot hold all the cards here. Marriage counseling to mediate this might help.

Is he possibly gay? What reasons has he given you for lack of intimacy