Should I have this affair?

[Anonymous]

Yep, having an affair really messes with everybody.

It is totally life affirming and amazing for the affair partners.
It is completely devastating for the betrayed spouse.
It is hurtful to all the children.
When one of the APs gets dumped in the end, their heart will be broken.
The marriages involved will never be the same.

[Anonymous]

Who really cares what the “betrayed” spouse thinks or feels about an affair when he (or she) is the original cause of marital collapse due to being a sexless prude? He or she should have just initiated a divorce once they reached the point of not wanting to sleep with spouse. By choosing to stay married and reject sex, all the “devastation” is entirely on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a wife who did have an affair, I would say NO. Do not do it. I regret my choice with every fiber of my being. It was wrong, selfish, hurtful, and created even more of a mess in my marriage than there was before I did it (and ours included very little sex too). I lost all integrity and self-respect for myself. Yours is a difficult situation, no doubt about it, but there are healthier choices to make on how to deal with it than banging another married guy.

However, I get the feeling you've made up your mind already, and if that's the case then nothing I say will deter you. But the time after my affair was truly my rock bottom and the worst time in my life. Please don't do that to yourself and your family.

Good luck.

Please elaborate on how is it even possible to "create more mess than before"? A sexless marriage is pretty much end of the line - it really can't get any worse than being married to a platonic roommate without any outlet for normal sexual desire. It's easy to say "just say NO" but that solves nothing. What specific solution are you recommending?

I "created more of a mess" by adding betrayal and lying and another man to the mix. Our marriage was not completely sexless...maybe 1-2x a year...and there were other issues. And the blame for that is on both of us. But instead of talking about it, saying "we need to fix this or make a choice about our future," I unilaterally changed the dynamic by bringing another man into our marriage. I made decisions for my H without his knowledge. Which created an even bigger mess.

I would recommend counseling, or a down deep difficult, hard talk. With timelines and goals and consequences of not meeting those goals (so OP is not waiting forever again). After d-day my H actually said something like this to me, "I know we had a problem, but I wish we had had the difficult discussion about it rather than me finding out you slept with someone else. This hurts much more."

We got ourselves back on track, dealt with our issues, including the sex ones. I realize not everyone is like us. But I stand by my post: having an affair not only muddied the marriage waters, it did a number on my own sense of integrity and self-respect. I would not recommend it as a solution.

Uh, 1-2x/yr IS a sexless marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who really cares what the “betrayed” spouse thinks or feels about an affair when he (or she) is the original cause of marital collapse due to being a sexless prude? He or she should have just initiated a divorce once they reached the point of not wanting to sleep with spouse. By choosing to stay married and reject sex, all the “devastation” is entirely on them.

You do know we only get one side here, right? What she says about her DH is probably not fully true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you do this, make your AP use a condom. I didn’t and got pregnant at 43.

Lol!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you do this, make your AP use a condom. I didn’t and got pregnant at 43.

Lol!

Tell us what happened then ...