Should I have this affair?

[Anonymous]

Have you thought about suggesting to your husband to watch porn together (in private of course, preferably in bed)?

[Anonymous]

Go for it and don't feel guilty despite what the typical "moral trolls" say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH of 12 years has not been interested in sex for over 7 years. He literally recoils when I reach for him. I stay with him because of the kids and because in every other respect we have a good relationship, and, also, I'm scared of change. Leaving my husband would hurt my kids, my parents, his family, ugh...
For the past year, I have secretly lusted after a particular guy. It felt very safe and the guy didn't know, and I didn't really talk to him that often. Recently, over the past 3 months, we began talking more and more, and he confided that he is in a sexless marriage, too.
And, he is interested in me. We made a plan to meet one day, during the day, at his place, but I backed out at the last minute. I can't stop thinking about him, and the fact that I would love to have sex with someone again. Should I just go for it? I keep going back and forth.

Why'd you bail?

[Anonymous]

Just do it.

Use protection. Be discrete. Don't get caught.

Then see how you feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP from the "discovered affair, now what" thread.

People seemed pretty understanding of my DH's decision to have an affair after three years without sex. They seem to be against this PP doing that after seven years. What's the difference?

Read again. There will always be some dissent from people who've never been on the rejected side of this equation and/or are themselves rejectors. Otherwise I am reading strong majority support for the affair with just some back/forth over whether a single or married AP is better. To answer your question: no difference. Both this OP and your DH are acting within reason.

[Anonymous]

If you do this, make your AP use a condom. I didn’t and got pregnant at 43.

[Anonymous]

Wow, here come the DCUM harpies with the: divorce him first or just tell him, or, declare an open marriage. None of which helps you hang on to the best parts of your marriage.

Yes for your sanity and because you deserve a sex life, go for it. Just don't get caught, don't get careless, and don't leave an electronic trail. Your marriage will be better for it.

[Anonymous]

Sure, he might be your soulmate.

[Anonymous]

Yes, have the affair. The purists on here want you to have a broken home. You have a perfect situation to stay married and sane. Enjoy it while it lasts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just do it.

Use protection. Be discrete. Don't get caught.

Then see how you feel.

This. Signed, a married woman. Btw I would feel the same for op if she were the husband.

[Anonymous]

Your most basic human needs are not being met in your marriage. Your DH isn't willing to meet them, and he doesn't want you to have them met by someone else.

For those accusing OP of being selfish--what about her DH? His position is the epitome of selfishness. Physical intimacy, sexual and non-sexual, is healthy and necessary. It's sad he's not interested or he's incapable or whatever his issue is, but it creates genuine problems.

OP, to address your actual question about whether you ought to do it--only go for it if you are truly willing to absorb any negative consequences. It's highly likely that it will bring about the end of your marriage, whether or not you're caught. A few sessions with this guy are not going to solve your problem. More likely you will get a taste of what you need and have been missing and won't be able to stand your life anymore, and/or the sex results in emotional attachment to this guy. Or worse, affair is discovered by your DH or his DW and there is public pain and humiliation.

My situation wasn't completely like yours, but long story short, I had an affair after many, many years of my needs being unmet. I thought it would help me continue my marriage, kind of like a tune-up. I was crawling out of my skin with need. I was lucky--we were never caught. I'm glad I did it. It's what I needed at the time. But it was part of my process of realizing how bad my marriage was. I'd have said something similar to you--marriage great except no sex. Well really, how great is it to be with someone who puts his own needs above your basic needs time and time again, not making effort to do what's important to you?

I'm five years post-divorce and happier than I ever have been.

[Anonymous]

Just go for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP from the "discovered affair, now what" thread.

People seemed pretty understanding of my DH's decision to have an affair after three years without sex. They seem to be against this PP doing that after seven years. What's the difference?

There is no difference except with who we are talking, and the fact that she hasn't done it yet. They would have adviced your DH the same way ... talk to you and say open marriage, divorce, or start having sex again. He didn't write in. She did. We can give her advice (but not her husband). We can give you advice (but not your husband). See?

[Anonymous]

Yeah people find soulmates thru affairs all the time. Well, some get killed (literally) but that’s very few. Other than that, the worst possible thing is divorce. Go for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a wife who did have an affair, I would say NO. Do not do it. I regret my choice with every fiber of my being. It was wrong, selfish, hurtful, and created even more of a mess in my marriage than there was before I did it (and ours included very little sex too). I lost all integrity and self-respect for myself. Yours is a difficult situation, no doubt about it, but there are healthier choices to make on how to deal with it than banging another married guy.

However, I get the feeling you've made up your mind already, and if that's the case then nothing I say will deter you. But the time after my affair was truly my rock bottom and the worst time in my life. Please don't do that to yourself and your family.

Good luck.

Please elaborate on how is it even possible to "create more mess than before"? A sexless marriage is pretty much end of the line - it really can't get any worse than being married to a platonic roommate without any outlet for normal sexual desire. It's easy to say "just say NO" but that solves nothing. What specific solution are you recommending?

I "created more of a mess" by adding betrayal and lying and another man to the mix. Our marriage was not completely sexless...maybe 1-2x a year...and there were other issues. And the blame for that is on both of us. But instead of talking about it, saying "we need to fix this or make a choice about our future," I unilaterally changed the dynamic by bringing another man into our marriage. I made decisions for my H without his knowledge. Which created an even bigger mess.

I would recommend counseling, or a down deep difficult, hard talk. With timelines and goals and consequences of not meeting those goals (so OP is not waiting forever again). After d-day my H actually said something like this to me, "I know we had a problem, but I wish we had had the difficult discussion about it rather than me finding out you slept with someone else. This hurts much more."

We got ourselves back on track, dealt with our issues, including the sex ones. I realize not everyone is like us. But I stand by my post: having an affair not only muddied the marriage waters, it did a number on my own sense of integrity and self-respect. I would not recommend it as a solution.