DH married me to stand up to his mom

[Anonymous]

DH has a very controlling mother. Even though I asked him to stand up to her, he generally puts it off on whatever the issue until I do it whether her insisting on moving in for a month or telling us where we are allowed to vacation. If I don't do it, he caves into his mother's unreasonable demands and then I still end up "fixing" it but just later when I have to tell her that no, we are not pulling the kids it of school for two weeks in September to go on a cruise with you no matter what your son agreed to do. It's been like that since we were dating years ago where I kind of took on this role. In any case, she hates me, always had, tells him to divorce me, and I don't mind. He feels safe and healthier now, has a job he likes (he had just had a job she told him to take), lives where he wants, etc. We have two kids and have had an awesome marriage and we have a very healthy boundaries with his mom where I serve as a gatekeeper. Not ideal but a lot better than many of my friends.

But, DH told me last week that he only married me to stand up to her. Basically he would have preferred to marry any of his prior long-term girlfriends or anyone else but none of them were willing to take a stand against his mom and this was his "ticket.". He feels bad but he just realized that he didn't and doesn't love me. He's "willing" to stay married to me but feels like he's outgrown the relationship. We made an appointment with a counselor but she couldn't see us before the end of May (and she's covered by insurance). I feel like this is just a "goodbye" visit that he is fine doing to make me happy because I demanded it and he "owes" it to me. He's not going to change his mind.

And the weirdest part is that I'm okay with it. Yes, I loved him and I'm in a daze but I got 2 kids out if it and I met him when I was 30 and may not have had kids.

Is divorce really that big of a deal? And, I don't even know that we'll get a divorce -- maybe we'll just have an open marriage where we keep up appearances for the kids but tell our adult friends that we are separated and seeing other people. We have a guest room. DH moved in there the night he told me.

[Anonymous]

Okay, that was the most hilarious thing ever. Your DH got himself a built-in guard.

I mean, I don't know why he was stupid enough to tell YOU that but its funny. And it doesn't seem like either of you are rushing to leave the marriage, so it doesn't sound like such a big deal. If you divorce again - neither of you are head over heels for each other - so again, no biggie?

The only person who'll be supremely happy is MIL.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the split will be amicable. I'd explore seeing a mediator to get a separation agreement in place. Get things sorted out now, while things are going smooth, and before MIL or future girl fiend gets involved.

[Anonymous]

You probably never have respected him, it's pretty hard to respect someone who can't even stand up to his own mother. But, like you said, you wanted some kids, so you got them. Good deal!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the split will be amicable. I'd explore seeing a mediator to get a separation agreement in place. Get things sorted out now, while things are going smooth, and before MIL or future girl fiend gets involved.

Thank you. That's a great idea. I was thinking that I'll take the two top floors with the kids and he'll take the guest room/space in the basement. I'm sure he'll agree to it because he moved there last week and that's the kids play space/area so the kids go up and downstairs.

It's amicable. I was crying when he told me and feeling very sorry for myself ("why couldn't he just love me?") but then I realized that I had really wanted to have kids and now I have two so I have nothing to complain about either. And I couldn't ask for a better dad. &, He's a terrible husband anyway -- he was never affectionate or romantic -- but hindsight is 20/20. He never remembered my birthday or Valentine's day and was very anti-PDA to the point of making it seem like we weren't together (many guys asked me out when I was at parties with him). I'm still in a daze a week later and canceled plans with mutual friends this weekend instead of facing them but I don't want to be married to a guy who doesn't love me either. And, it's weird, but just in the past week, I feel like I don't love him anymore either and I was a very attentive wife before.

There was no cheating involved so I feel like he was respectful. He says it just "hit" him that he only married me to get out and told me as soon as he realized it. I don't know what he read on this site but he says it was:

http://www.controllingparents.com/

It's funny how quick you can fall out of love.

[Anonymous]

My only worry is what will happen when you're divorced and you have given up the role of standing up to his mother? Will she take visitation time he has with the kids to say, shave your kid's hair? Pierce their ears? Will she talk DH into doing things with them you don't want done?

Put stipulations about THAT in your separation and custody agreements.

[Anonymous]

If you split, keep in mind your kids’ time with DH will necessarily = time with his mom, as in all visitation weekends will likely be at her house (assuming she lives close - sounds like she does).

Also I don’t think keeping a marriage as a facade is easy. Do you want to show your kids that spouses are roommates on separate sides of the house? What happens when friends invite you over - does he make an excuse not to go every time? Or do you go and pretend the whole time? Living a lie is going to be harder than what sounds like an amicable divorce. While you’re happily leaving and before you tell anyone including MIL work with lawyers to get child custody, child support, alimony, assets etc 100% settled.

[Anonymous]

Don't do an open marriage. Get divorced. He is NOT a good candidate for thoughtfully navigating the logistical and emotional pitfalls of an open marriage.

Plus, with his Mommy issues, you are in for a contentious co-parenting relationship going forward.

--NP in an open marriage

[Anonymous]

Agree with previous poster. Get a divorce. He moves out. He shares custody with you.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]If you split, keep in mind your kids’ time with DH will necessarily = time with his mom, as in all visitation weekends will likely be at her house (assuming she lives close - sounds like she does).

Also I don’t think keeping a marriage as a facade is easy. Do you want to show your kids that spouses are roommates on separate sides of the house? What happens when friends invite you over - does he make an excuse not to go every time? Or do you go and pretend the whole time? Living a lie is going to be harder than what sounds like an amicable divorce. While you’re happily leaving and before you tell anyone including MIL work with lawyers to get child custody, child support, alimony, assets etc 100% settled.[/quote]

+1 to this.

Don't model a sham marriage for your kids; they will figure out the sham much faster than you think they will. They will get enough awful modeling anyway because they will grow up seeing their father reduced to a mere child-man by their grandmother. This PP is right that a divorce will give MIL much more sway over your kids so you need to be ready to counter that influence in the time they're with you. Please get into therapy for yourself solo because you need both to process the hurt you feel and to get serious help with coping strategies for ensuring MIL doesn't poison your kids against you for years to come, behind your back when ex and she have them.

I am not so sure that MIL will let the divorce be amicable, though. I hope I'm wrong. But I'd anticipate that he, pushed by her, could attempt to get primary physical custody or could even try to lie about you to get more than that or limit your visitation. Is she that kind of vindictive, OP? If you think so, do not rush toward divorce so fast that you lose sight of what they could try to do re: custody. Research hard and fast to find a very tough, experienced attorney but don't let on you're getting your ducks in a row. Go ahead with the counseling appointment and take it seriously but also find a good lawyer ASAP.

The one thing that could keep the marriage is if, through counseling, he realizes and admits that MIL is the one speaking when he says he doesn't love you. Maybe that's the case and his speech and move to the guest room is not about you but about his fear that he only married you to escape her, when there is a real core of affection there he's afraid to see. You can't know. That's why some intensive marriage counseling (and probably a move and new start) could actually help, but -- if he won't do the work, you have to assume he'll never wake up (IF there's live there to salvage), so proceed with protecting yourself and your kids. Watch your back because MIL likely would pull the strings in divorce specifics. I'm sorry about this mess, OP. Update us after the counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You probably never have respected him, it's pretty hard to respect someone who can't even stand up to his own mother. But, like you said, you wanted some kids, so you got them. Good deal!

This.

Glad you seem comfortable with it. Given the red flags with his mother, you probably realized thr kind of guy he is.

Tip: seek counseling for guidance on how to tell the kids, how to coparent, etc. Once you're separated, his mother will likely regain control...and your baby man won't be equipped to deal with it. This could create all kinds of drama.

Lastly, brace yourself for his new wife who might be adored by MIL.

[Anonymous]

Tell him to move back in with his mother because you're leaving. Then leave. Live your life and enjoy your kids. I cannot stand a man who has no backbone. I want a man who is as tough as I am. I can't be with a man if I do not respect him. Personally, I would have left this dude years ago, but that's just me.

[Anonymous]

Is he seeing someone? Find out.

[Anonymous]

Wow you all have a different conception of marriage than I do.

How do you "outgrow" someone you promised to love and cherish for your whole life?

?

[Anonymous]

He needs therapy - it sounds like he's using you to work out his aggression toward his mother. He can't stand up to her, so he's using a surrogate (you) to work out his rage and frustration.