Reply to DH married me to stand up to his mom

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If you split, keep in mind your kids’ time with DH will necessarily = time with his mom, as in all visitation weekends will likely be at her house (assuming she lives close - sounds like she does).

Also I don’t think keeping a marriage as a facade is easy. Do you want to show your kids that spouses are roommates on separate sides of the house? What happens when friends invite you over - does he make an excuse not to go every time? Or do you go and pretend the whole time? Living a lie is going to be harder than what sounds like an amicable divorce. While you’re happily leaving and before you tell anyone including MIL work with lawyers to get child custody, child support, alimony, assets etc 100% settled.[/quote]

+1 to this.

Don't model a sham marriage for your kids; they will figure out the sham much faster than you think they will. They will get enough awful modeling anyway because they will grow up seeing their father reduced to a mere child-man by their grandmother. This PP is right that a divorce will give MIL much more sway over your kids so you need to be ready to counter that influence in the time they're with you. Please get into therapy for yourself solo because you need both to process the hurt you feel and to get serious help with coping strategies for ensuring MIL doesn't poison your kids against you for years to come, behind your back when ex and she have them.

I am not so sure that MIL will let the divorce be amicable, though. I hope I'm wrong. But I'd anticipate that he, pushed by her, could attempt to get primary physical custody or could even try to lie about you to get more than that or limit your visitation. Is she that kind of vindictive, OP? If you think so, do not rush toward divorce so fast that you lose sight of what they could try to do re: custody. Research hard and fast to find a very tough, experienced attorney but don't let on you're getting your ducks in a row. Go ahead with the counseling appointment and take it seriously but also find a good lawyer ASAP.

The one thing that could keep the marriage is if, through counseling, he realizes and admits that MIL is the one speaking when he says he doesn't love you. Maybe that's the case and his speech and move to the guest room is not about you but about his fear that he only married you to escape her, when there is a real core of affection there he's afraid to see. You can't know. That's why some intensive marriage counseling (and probably a move and new start) could actually help, but -- if he won't do the work, you have to assume he'll never wake up (IF there's live there to salvage), so proceed with protecting yourself and your kids. Watch your back because MIL likely would pull the strings in divorce specifics. I'm sorry about this mess, OP. Update us after the counseling.
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