28 and Never Had A Boyfriend

[Anonymous]

I am 28, almost 29 at the end of May and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’m naturally a shy introvert, and do not have much of a social life. I dated a little in my high school years and early 20’s, but I’ve only had sex with one guy. I think a lot of my shyness comes from body issues ( stretchmarks during puberty and average looks). I look and sound young which I know is not always ideal. I had a terrible childhood and was sexually abused by a neighbor and my brother. I’ve defintely grew up with a sense of inferiority and general hate for myself. I’m tired of being alone, but really worry most men will think I’m a freak when they find out I’m sexually inexperienced and never had a boyfriend. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m destined to be alone, and part of me is just so used to being alone. I think the upside is that I’m not clingy like most people. I want marriage and a family someday, but I feel my chances of having that are 0, because I won’t ever find a guy okay with my past to date me. This isn’t a question, but more of a vent.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you will marry and have a traditional family, and maybe you won't. Either way, you'll find a way to be OK.
Please consider getting therapy for the other issues, however. It's a good investment in yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 28, almost 29 at the end of May and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’m naturally a shy introvert, and do not have much of a social life. I dated a little in my high school years and early 20’s, but I’ve only had sex with one guy. I think a lot of my shyness comes from body issues ( stretchmarks during puberty and average looks). I look and sound young which I know is not always ideal. I had a terrible childhood and was sexually abused by a neighbor and my brother. I’ve defintely grew up with a sense of inferiority and general hate for myself. I’m tired of being alone, but really worry most men will think I’m a freak when they find out I’m sexually inexperienced and never had a boyfriend. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m destined to be alone, and part of me is just so used to being alone. I think the upside is that I’m not clingy like most people. I want marriage and a family someday, but I feel my chances of having that are 0, because I won’t ever find a guy okay with my past to date me. This isn’t a question, but more of a vent.

I say this with all the love and gentleness that can possibly be conveyed in this forum: Are you in therapy? I think you would genuinely benefit from it.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear about the abuse. Guy here, and I think most women worry way too much about stretch marks. It's NBD, honestly.

Your past is your own business, you shouldn't feel a need to advertise your lack of relationships to potential BFs. The lack of sexual experience is fine, as long as you are enthusiastic.

I'd suggest you get serious about fitness, potentially look to learn about makeup / hair / a wardrobe to maximize your looks, and get therapy / counseling. The goal of all of those would be to build self-confidence. It will be hard to find a LTR if you hate yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to hear about the abuse. Guy here, and I think most women worry way too much about stretch marks. It's NBD, honestly.

Your past is your own business, you shouldn't feel a need to advertise your lack of relationships to potential BFs. The lack of sexual experience is fine, as long as you are enthusiastic.

I'd suggest you get serious about fitness, potentially look to learn about makeup / hair / a wardrobe to maximize your looks, and get therapy / counseling. The goal of all of those would be to build self-confidence. It will be hard to find a LTR if you hate yourself.

Op here. Yes, I have been in therapy for a year. I have an odler male friend ( more like a mentor) who also had a similar childhood ( both of our moms have bipolar disorder) and it’s been great taking with him. He urged me to seek therapy, as he has benefited him. I come from a Republican conservative home wher I’m am deemed a “ snowflake” for wanting to go to therapy. My family makes fun of me for being an introvert, but I’ve never told them about the abuse as a child, though many of them suffered the same abuse at different stages in their life.

I’m really into fitness and have grown more confident and appreactive of my body ( it’s really just the stretchmarks that make me insecure). I’m otherwise successful in my career, great with kids ( former nanny), and I love sex. I think the biggest thing holding me back is the worry a guy won’t accept me for my past. I feel embarrassed and ashamed by the lack of a life.

[Anonymous]

Men care about what’s in sitting right in front of us. Your past is a detail if it doesn’t affect the present, if you can be worthwhile company (including sex) now.

[Anonymous]

In terms of therapy maybe you want to focus on your past. In terms of dating and conversation, leave it alone. A lot of people have trouble childhoods — in terms of dating itjust sounds like you haven’t moved on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: In terms of therapy maybe you want to focus on your past. In terms of dating and conversation, leave it alone. A lot of people have trouble childhoods — in terms of dating itjust sounds like you haven’t moved on.

What had OP not moved on from? She’s never had a man to move on from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to hear about the abuse. Guy here, and I think most women worry way too much about stretch marks. It's NBD, honestly.

Your past is your own business, you shouldn't feel a need to advertise your lack of relationships to potential BFs. The lack of sexual experience is fine, as long as you are enthusiastic.

I'd suggest you get serious about fitness, potentially look to learn about makeup / hair / a wardrobe to maximize your looks, and get therapy / counseling. The goal of all of those would be to build self-confidence. It will be hard to find a LTR if you hate yourself.

Op here. Yes, I have been in therapy for a year. I have an odler male friend ( more like a mentor) who also had a similar childhood ( both of our moms have bipolar disorder) and it’s been great taking with him. He urged me to seek therapy, as he has benefited him. I come from a Republican conservative home wher I’m am deemed a “ snowflake” for wanting to go to therapy. My family makes fun of me for being an introvert, but I’ve never told them about the abuse as a child, though many of them suffered the same abuse at different stages in their life.

I’m really into fitness and have grown more confident and appreactive of my body ( it’s really just the stretchmarks that make me insecure). I’m otherwise successful in my career, great with kids ( former nanny), and I love sex. I think the biggest thing holding me back is the worry a guy won’t accept me for my past. I feel embarrassed and ashamed by the lack of a life.

Op here. I have been trying to work on trust and abandonment issues. I tend to push people away when they get to close out of fear of being hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: In terms of therapy maybe you want to focus on your past. In terms of dating and conversation, leave it alone. A lot of people have trouble childhoods — in terms of dating itjust sounds like you haven’t moved on.

What had OP not moved on from? She’s never had a man to move on from.

She needs to move on from thinking or talking about her past in casual conversation or in a conversation with potential boyfriends. She hasn’t mentally put her past behind her —that is what she needs to move on from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to hear about the abuse. Guy here, and I think most women worry way too much about stretch marks. It's NBD, honestly.

Your past is your own business, you shouldn't feel a need to advertise your lack of relationships to potential BFs. The lack of sexual experience is fine, as long as you are enthusiastic.

I'd suggest you get serious about fitness, potentially look to learn about makeup / hair / a wardrobe to maximize your looks, and get therapy / counseling. The goal of all of those would be to build self-confidence. It will be hard to find a LTR if you hate yourself.

Op here. Yes, I have been in therapy for a year. I have an odler male friend ( more like a mentor) who also had a similar childhood ( both of our moms have bipolar disorder) and it’s been great taking with him. He urged me to seek therapy, as he has benefited him. I come from a Republican conservative home wher I’m am deemed a “ snowflake” for wanting to go to therapy. My family makes fun of me for being an introvert, but I’ve never told them about the abuse as a child, though many of them suffered the same abuse at different stages in their life.

I’m really into fitness and have grown more confident and appreactive of my body ( it’s really just the stretchmarks that make me insecure). I’m otherwise successful in my career, great with kids ( former nanny), and I love sex. I think the biggest thing holding me back is the worry a guy won’t accept me for my past. I feel embarrassed and ashamed by the lack of a life.

Congratulations on trying to work this out. There is nothing wrong with you!

There are two aspects of your past that you perceive as "issues"
- abuse - You had no control over it. It is not something you even need to bring up until well into your relationship (Your therapist is the best person to advice you on this). This is not as uncommon as you think.
- Lack of sexual experience - A whole lot of women abstain until marriage. A majority of people in some countries only have sex after getting married, that too to someone they barely know. So this is not a big deal. There used to be a time when being "virtuous" was a virtue. Amazing what has happened to society since then..

I'm a guy btw, and based on your posts, I think you will be a great catch for some lucky guy! If I were single, I would definitely go out with someone like you - athletic, great with kids, nice career, loves sex, confident - what's not to like! Good luck!

[Anonymous]

You'll find someone. You sound open-minded and not like you have this irrational list of items a man must have to date you.

Remember there are many introverted men out there -- probably a higher % than women. You may be a good match. Try going to events that draw these types.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm a guy btw, and based on your posts, I think you will be a great catch for some lucky guy! If I were single, I would definitely go out with someone like you - athletic, great with kids, nice career, loves sex, confident - what's not to like! Good luck!

Aww - what a sweet guy. I think he's right. You've got a ton going for you. The "baggage" you do have is way less than most people have who are working for a relationship (in terms of what might scare people off). I would focus on finding some hobbies where you can interact with people in a less intimidating environment (singles bicycle trips, volunteer, etc.).

Best wishes to you - may you have a long and fulfilling life and hopefully find a life partner who appreciates all you have to offer.

[Anonymous]

There's nothing wrong with you, and everything right.

My advice is to seek therapy in order to feel that way^^--to see yourself as others do and will, so that you can allow yourself the love and affection you deserve.

signed--a now happily married middle aged woman who also had been terrified of intimacy and anyone seeing the 'real me" and finally started dating someone (not 'the one' but a boyfriend) at age 28.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's nothing wrong with you, and everything right.

My advice is to seek therapy in order to feel that way^^--to see yourself as others do and will, so that you can allow yourself the love and affection you deserve.

signed--a now happily married middle aged woman who also had been terrified of intimacy and anyone seeing the 'real me" and finally started dating someone (not 'the one' but a boyfriend) at age 28.

Ditto. I also finally started dating at 28. Met my now DH the week I turned 30. And, as an added hurdle, he's the only person I've had sex with, but he was cool with it. Happily married with 2 kids for 17 yrs now,