28 and Never Had A Boyfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm a guy btw, and based on your posts, I think you will be a great catch for some lucky guy! If I were single, I would definitely go out with someone like you - athletic, great with kids, nice career, loves sex, confident - what's not to like! Good luck!

Aww - what a sweet guy. I think he's right. You've got a ton going for you. The "baggage" you do have is way less than most people have who are working for a relationship (in terms of what might scare people off). I would focus on finding some hobbies where you can interact with people in a less intimidating environment (singles bicycle trips, volunteer, etc.).

Best wishes to you - may you have a long and fulfilling life and hopefully find a life partner who appreciates all you have to offer.

+ 1

[Anonymous]

A good man won't care about stretchmarks.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, never have children. Republicans should not procreate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, never have children. Republicans should not procreate.

You just confirmed my belief liberals should not procreate to not pass on the asshole gene.

[Anonymous]

At least you're dating. I'm 35 with no bf. No interest in women either or even sex. Never been called ugly and had plenty of male attention through my 30s. Never been abused but I am unmotivated and shy and too many health issues in recent yrs to think about love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At least you're dating. I'm 35 with no bf. No interest in women either or even sex. Never been called ugly and had plenty of male attention through my 30s. Never been abused but I am unmotivated and shy and too many health issues in recent yrs to think about love.

Never had a boyfriend or taking a beak from dating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to hear about the abuse. Guy here, and I think most women worry way too much about stretch marks. It's NBD, honestly.

Your past is your own business, you shouldn't feel a need to advertise your lack of relationships to potential BFs. The lack of sexual experience is fine, as long as you are enthusiastic.

I'd suggest you get serious about fitness, potentially look to learn about makeup / hair / a wardrobe to maximize your looks, and get therapy / counseling. The goal of all of those would be to build self-confidence. It will be hard to find a LTR if you hate yourself.

Op here. Yes, I have been in therapy for a year. I have an odler male friend ( more like a mentor) who also had a similar childhood ( both of our moms have bipolar disorder) and it’s been great taking with him. He urged me to seek therapy, as he has benefited him. I come from a Republican conservative home wher I’m am deemed a “ snowflake” for wanting to go to therapy. My family makes fun of me for being an introvert, but I’ve never told them about the abuse as a child, though many of them suffered the same abuse at different stages in their life.

I’m really into fitness and have grown more confident and appreactive of my body ( it’s really just the stretchmarks that make me insecure). I’m otherwise successful in my career, great with kids ( former nanny), and I love sex. I think the biggest thing holding me back is the worry a guy won’t accept me for my past. I feel embarrassed and ashamed by the lack of a life.

Congratulations on trying to work this out. There is nothing wrong with you!

There are two aspects of your past that you perceive as "issues"
- abuse - You had no control over it. It is not something you even need to bring up until well into your relationship (Your therapist is the best person to advice you on this). This is not as uncommon as you think.
- Lack of sexual experience - A whole lot of women abstain until marriage. A majority of people in some countries only have sex after getting married, that too to someone they barely know. So this is not a big deal. There used to be a time when being "virtuous" was a virtue. Amazing what has happened to society since then..

I'm a guy btw, and based on your posts, I think you will be a great catch for some lucky guy! If I were single, I would definitely go out with someone like you - athletic, great with kids, nice career, loves sex, confident - what's not to like! Good luck!

Op here. Thank you for the reply. It’s true that abuse is not an “ issue” or my fault, but many abuse victims feel shame and embarrassment.

I have been learning to love myself more. I suffer from bad rosacea, so that is another issue for me that hurt my self confidence.

[Anonymous]

Are you actively trying to date? It seems being on apps is how you let the world know you're open to romance.

[Anonymous]

I didn't have my first BF until 30. I married him. I was also really insecure about my body. Face is fairly attractive. Oh, and I was a virgin, and never even really kissed before. Happily married now 17 years. Change came when I loosened up and started to just enjoy my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 28, almost 29 at the end of May and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’m naturally a shy introvert, and do not have much of a social life. I dated a little in my high school years and early 20’s, but I’ve only had sex with one guy. I think a lot of my shyness comes from body issues ( stretchmarks during puberty and average looks). I look and sound young which I know is not always ideal. I had a terrible childhood and was sexually abused by a neighbor and my brother. I’ve defintely grew up with a sense of inferiority and general hate for myself. I’m tired of being alone, but really worry most men will think I’m a freak when they find out I’m sexually inexperienced and never had a boyfriend. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m destined to be alone, and part of me is just so used to being alone. I think the upside is that I’m not clingy like most people. I want marriage and a family someday, but I feel my chances of having that are 0, because I won’t ever find a guy okay with my past to date me. This isn’t a question, but more of a vent.

Your story absolutely resonates with me. I've been there. I only had one other boyfriend before I met the man who became my husband. I met him when I was 26. We married when I was 29. Like you I experienced sexual abuse by two different people, a relative and a teacher. And I had serious self-esteem issues. Like you, I built up walls and pushed people away if they started to get close. That is why I so wanted to respond to your post. I get it. I get the having average looks, being a shy introvert, and not really liking yourself, and because I've been there, some things concern me about your post. For one you say, "I've definitely grown up with a sense of inferiority and a general hate for myself." Sweetheart, if that is what you think about yourself, that is what you are projecting to men, and you're never going to have a healthy relationship until you get to know you and like and celebrate who you are. Precious girl, you have so much worth and so much value. You just don't know it. Working on the outside is okay, but honey, until you work on the inside, until you see your worth and value and what you have to offer a man who would be lucky to have you, you're not ready for a relationship. If you were to have a relationship when you are so insecure about yourself, it will not last. And until you do the work to recognize what an incredible person you are, even if a man tells you you are everything he wants, you won't believe him, because you don't feel that way about yourself. There's a couple of counselors named Les and Leslie Parrott who teach a relationship course for college students. What they make students memorize is this: “If you attempt to build intimacy with another person, before you have done the hard work of becoming a whole and healthy person, every relationship will be an attempt to complete the wholeness that you lack and end in disaster.”

Precious girl, there is a book I really encourage you to get. It is Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships by Chip Ingram. That book is eye opening. I have read it, highlighted passages in it, made notes in it and bought it for friends. There's another book How to Depolarize Your Jerk Magnet by Christina Dalpiaz. Her book is not one I'd necessary encourage you to buy; it's meant mainly for women who are in abusive relationships, but she does make a few very good points, and one is this: What you think about yourself is what you attract. If you think you are worth about a 3 on a scale from 1-10, then you're going to attract men who are about worth a 2 or 3, because though you may say you want a guy who is a 10, in your heart of hearts, if you think of yourself as worth a 3, you're not going to think you're good enough for a truly great guy, a 10.

You say you want a boyfriend, and precious girl, you CAN get a boyfriend. There are guys out there who will hook up with you, no question. I volunteer at a domestic violence shelter, and at times I would feel just tinge of jealousy when they would have boyfriends, and I would think, if they can get boyfriends, why can't I have one?" And then I'd look at the type of "boyfriends" they had, men who abused them, cheated on them, in some cases molested their children, men who were in and out of prison. And I realized there are worse things than not having a boyfriend. You can have a boyfriend. The difference is do you want a boyfriend who is a 3 or do you want to work on yourself so that you honestly see yourself as an 8 or a 9 and carry yourself as such so that you attract a quality guy who is an 8 or 9.

Another concern is have you worked through the sexual abuse and the negative messages that it implanted in you? Until you work through that so that you are healthy and whole, it is going to come back and bite you. I got married when I was 29. I got divorced 13 years later, and one of the biggest reasons was that I had never dealt with the sexual abuse from the past, And it came back to bite me when I tried being intimate with my husband. Precious girl, you need to get free of that and healed of that before you can have a truly healthy relationship. I didn't get help with it, until it was too late for my marriage. So while you are single, work on yourself and getting healing in that area, before you come into a relationship with a man.

I think you need to get in touch with who you are and what you have to offer. I encourage you to go to the authentichappiness website and take the Values In Action Character Strengths Survey as a start, I encourage you to look for an online version of the Myers-Briggs test online and find out which of the personality types you fit. Get to know yourself and what makes you tick and what makes you such a treasure, because that's what you are. When you do the work of figuring out who you are and what you have to offer, people are going to notice that. They're going to see this inner light radiating from you, because you know your value, and the right guys are going to be attracted to that. I encourage you to get that book Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships by Chip Ingram. I think it can make a huge difference in how you look at life, at yourself, at your worth, and at love.

[Anonymous]

Op. Thank you for all of the replies and suggestions! It’s nice to hear other people’s stories who have gone through similar issues. I am hoping I can turn things around and end up on a positive side with a family.

[Anonymous]

Don’t give up. You have a lot to offer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't have my first BF until 30. I married him. I was also really insecure about my body. Face is fairly attractive. Oh, and I was a virgin, and never even really kissed before. Happily married now 17 years. Change came when I loosened up and started to just enjoy my life.

So how did you get over your insecurity enough to loosen up?

[Anonymous]

It could be worse. I'm 42 and never had a boyfriend and have never had sex.

[Anonymous]

For very different reasons I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 26 and was a virgin until I go married. I am a shy introvert but that wasn't my issue...I'm devout and my religion does not approve of sex before marriage (for both men and women). It's been 8 years and I'm married with a toddler, just like my other mid 30s friends.

All that said dating later on in life isn't a big deal. I say you need therapy to address your feelings of inferiority. You may attract narcissists or others who prey on those with low self esteem.