Giving Her An Ultimation..
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Anonymous
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I strongly dislike majority of my girlfriends ( we have been dating for a year)immediate family. They are drama filled, immature, and mentally/emotionally/verbally abusive. My girlfriend grew up with a bipolar ( unmedicated) mother who is very verbally, and at times, was physically anusive during her young years. Her dad was in and out of her life, and had a drug problem and temper. Her stepdad was super nice but very close minded ( hardcore conservative). Her oldest sibiling is a narcasicst, and youngest is just a brat. All sibilings are in their 20’s and 30’s. We see her family for major holidays and birthdays ( maybe 20 times a year). When we see them, it’s toxic. Her mom is always mad and willing if things don’t go her way, and they constantly pick on my girlfriend. I think her mom is jealous of her as she is educated, smart, level headed, etc. She seems to be the butt of every joke. Her mom had never once complimented her, often calling her and her siblings ( except youngest who is stepdads child) that they are stupid and will never amount to anything. For these reasons, my girlfriend had suffered with low self-esteem and self-worth. She got treatment and is much better. She is the first woman I have met that I want to spend my life with. There are so many things I love about her. The most amazing trait of hers is even when people are mean to her, she never is mean to them, because she never wants anyone to feel less than or hurt their feelings. She does stick up for herself, but often brushes it off.
I was raised in a different household. I was raised by loving parents who did everything they could to foster my self-esteem and make me a good himnan being. It hurts me that they treat her badly at times, and I would not want my child to ever witness this. I tond her that it’s either me or her family. I love her, but I can’t allow such toxic people in my life. I do not wish to see them unless major holidays for limited time. She understands but said it’s such a hard decision. I feel like I could lose her. I know ultimatums are childish but I care about her enough that I don’t want her around them. |
Anonymous
| Op here. I forgot to mention that one of her brothers ( she has 6 sister) cut their mom out of his life. |
Anonymous
| Yikes. I don’t think this is healthy from your end. She needs to learn for herself how to disengage with you not for another person to direct her as to what she should do. Is she in therapy? |
Anonymous
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OP I hate to say it, but dump her.
You don't deserve a toxic family and she should not cut them off because of you. I dated people with toxic families, it only gets worse of you have kids. My husband has a loving family like mine and it's the best thing in the world. |
Anonymous
I don’t agree. People can’t choose the family they are born into, but they can choose the family they want. She deserves love and happiness. No reason he beefs to dump her. |
Anonymous
Op here. She was in therapy and has cut off her family. I wouldn’t even really say it’s her family, just her mom, boo dad, and oldest brother. She sees the oldest brother ( the one that makes fun of her and other family members) 2-3 times a year. He’s the typical narcissist that puts others down to make himself feel better. She is very close with her oldest sister ( super sweet and nice). She used to see her mom much more, but cut that down to holidays and family birthdays. She seems to not be affected by it, likely because of therapy. She is confident, successful, and sweet. |
Anonymous
He shouldn't be giving an ultimatum about her family. He should be supportive of her decisions. If he can't do that then he needs to move on. |
Anonymous
| Hopefully, she dumps you. |
Anonymous
| So she has a family that bullies her and you're thinking about doing the same? |
Anonymous
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1- You have no right to ask her to cut her family off
2- Don’t ruin your life 3- why do you feel like you need to save her, find someone stable, it’ll be better for you in the long run |
Anonymous
| Instead of an ultimation, give her a pronouncitude. |
Anonymous
I agree with this. Not his place to ask her to cut off her family. My dh has a difficult family. His mother is mentally ill. I no longer see her, but I support my dh in however he decides to manage his relationship with her. I find incredibly controlling that op is demanding she cut them off. Op, you get to decide for yourself if you don't want to spend time with these people, but in no way is it appropriate for you to demand that of her. You are not in charge of her, and your demand is incredibly disrespectful. If she were a friend of mine, I'd tell her that was a bad sign and she should reconsider the relationship. |
Anonymous
Agree completely. It's up to her to decide what she wants and doesn't want with her family. OP you can decide not to stay with her if you don't like her decision, but you have no right to try and force her to decide. I hope she runs from you. |
Anonymous
| I junk it’s good that you let her know right away that you will have a major issue with interacting with her family if you two marry. But I don’t think it hasn’t to be an ultimatum of you or her family. Maybe you can agree to build closer relationships with the healthy members of her family: the brother who opted out of the family, and the kind sister. It is important to not have toxic relationships. But your girlfriend has to come to this conclusion on her own. If she does it for the wrong reasons (fear of losing you) it is a recipe for resentment, and a whole host of other implications. Talk to her about how she envisions a future with you, her, and both of your family. Do you bring her around your family often, and is she comfortable there? She would also gain a new family with you. |
Anonymous
+1 |