Vandalism plus lying about extent

[Anonymous]

My HS son was just caught vandalizing a neighbor’s shed with his friends. I am pretty shocked because he has never been in this type of trouble before, but it is clear he was involved and not just watching. More information is coming from the neighbor every time we speak, I believe as they are discovering more damage, and I learned that the boys stole some things from the shed. My son admitted to the vandalism after I pressed him, but lied through his teeth about the items stole (one of which he had) although he ended up admitting it to my husband. I am really disappointed and really pissed. I think we need to come down hard, absolutely, but not so hard that there is no end in sight of punishment. We are paying for the damages, and I think my son needs to work off this debt to us by helping the neighbor with yard work etc (if she accepts). He is currently grounded from friend activities. My husband wants to go further and ground him until summer, plus take away PS4/TV privileges until the debt is ‘paid’ through work for the neighbor or us, plus he never sees these boys again outside of school. I think this is going too far. Our son already gets depressed easily, and after this experience I don’t see that he will be hanging out unsupervised with these boys for a LONG time, but who are right now his main friends and the only ones he regularly sees outside of school. I do not want to downplay this incident, and yet I do not want to send my son into a depressive tailspin. My husband and I not seeing eye to eye is not helping! We just had an argument about this which is why I’m posting. Any suggestions for handling this situation that are appropriate without being draconian? Thanks for any advice.

[Anonymous]

First, WHY did he do this? I would expect my high schooler to answer this question fully.

Second, HOW MUCH? What is the extent of the damage and what was stolen?

Consequences will depend on answers to those questions. There are consequences for lying, separate and in addition to consequences for damage and theft. Please remind him that he could be arrested and charged for theft and vandalism.

Consequences will also depends on the existence of any special needs, such as depression. Mind, that would be if there are OFFICIAL diagnoses in place, not "I'm a mother hen and don't want my child to be in pain" kind of thing.

[Anonymous]

I'm with your husband on this one.

[Anonymous]

Oh yeah, and video games? He should sell it to help pay for what he did.

[Anonymous]

I'm with your husband too. Even though it's hard to do, he needs to feel the pain here. Seriously. That neighbor could press charges and then he's screwed. So you have an obligation to make his life at home FEEL not quite as bad as jail, but pretty darn close!

And you must communicate to him that this is all a direct result of HIS choices and actions. If he had not done this, there would be no need to remove all these privileges. Some kids are very successful in disconnecting their own actions from the punishment, so don't let that slip by you without correcting him. YOU are not doing all this to him. HE did it to himself.

Also agree with PP who suggested you have him sell the PS and games to get the money to pay for some of the damage. Then he can "work off" the rest. And once that is done, he can worry about getting a part-time job mowing lawns or whatever to buy another PS. He doesn't need to worry about whether or not to see these friends again b/c he won't have time to see them anymore!

[Anonymous]

Your son should have to apologize and make restitution directly to the neighbor. I would ground him for a week and then bar him from hanging with those hoodlums. Birds of a feather flock together, so separate him from the flock of bad birds.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know where you live, but if you live in VA, your neighbor could charge the boys with a crime and from the sound of it - a felony or felonies. If your son were to be found delinquent as juvenile of a felony, it doesn’t get removed from his record. This is serious as a heart attack. I am on your husband’s side here. No doubt. If your kid was a follower, get him a new leader. Sell the game console and he works for you, not the neighbor.

[Anonymous]

Another NP with your husband.

These boys are TERRIBLE influences on your child. He's demonstrated that he can't resist their ideas, and goes along with it. What's next, they rob someone? You think that every parent of a child who robs someone says "yeah, we knew he'd do that, he robbed someone last week and said he'd do it again"? He'll be in juvie in no time and you'll still be wondering what happened.

I'd come down on this so hard, he wouldn't know what hit him.

The only 'nice' thing I'd do is enroll him in a new activity to try to meet some nicer kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another NP with your husband.

These boys are TERRIBLE influences on your child. He's demonstrated that he can't resist their ideas, and goes along with it. What's next, they rob someone? You think that every parent of a child who robs someone says "yeah, we knew he'd do that, he robbed someone last week and said he'd do it again"? He'll be in juvie in no time and you'll still be wondering what happened.

I'd come down on this so hard, he wouldn't know what hit him.

The only 'nice' thing I'd do is enroll him in a new activity to try to meet some nicer kids.

We may be giving OP's son the benefit of the doubt here, and he actually may be the terrible influence as the leader instead of the follower--and OP probably needs to allow for this grim possibility. (If he lied to your face about stealing, don't be so quick to think he wouldn't throw his friends under the bus and say "it was Larlo's idea!" when it was his! I mean, why did they pick the shed of YOUR neighbor instead of a neighbor of another friend???)

Either way, have to cut him off from the friend group presumably so they no longer have influence on him, but possibly so that he no longer has a peer group to influence that he can lead down this destructive path.

It's bad. Very bad. And he will do his VERY BEST to convince you otherwise. Be strong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another NP with your husband.

These boys are TERRIBLE influences on your child. He's demonstrated that he can't resist their ideas, and goes along with it. What's next, they rob someone? You think that every parent of a child who robs someone says "yeah, we knew he'd do that, he robbed someone last week and said he'd do it again"? He'll be in juvie in no time and you'll still be wondering what happened.

I'd come down on this so hard, he wouldn't know what hit him.

The only 'nice' thing I'd do is enroll him in a new activity to try to meet some nicer kids.

We may be giving OP's son the benefit of the doubt here, and he actually may be the terrible influence as the leader instead of the follower--and OP probably needs to allow for this grim possibility. (If he lied to your face about stealing, don't be so quick to think he wouldn't throw his friends under the bus and say "it was Larlo's idea!" when it was his! I mean, why did they pick the shed of YOUR neighbor instead of a neighbor of another friend???)

Either way, have to cut him off from the friend group presumably so they no longer have influence on him, but possibly so that he no longer has a peer group to influence that he can lead down this destructive path.

It's bad. Very bad. And he will do his VERY BEST to convince you otherwise. Be strong.

This actually makes sense, I didn't think that her son might be one of the worst apples in the bunch. But I agree that most 'good' kids caught in this situation would feel very guilty and would be quick to come clean. Yep, definitely good to keep him away from these kids.

And for the love of all things good, please get him enrolled in some productive activities to keep him amused and build up his self esteem before he gets interested in guns.

[Anonymous]

Don't assume your neighbor will want yard work instead of just cash. I certainly wouldn't want to deal with your kid.

I'm with your husband. You are too lenient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't assume your neighbor will want yard work instead of just cash. I certainly wouldn't want to deal with your kid.

I'm with your husband. You are too lenient.

I agree that you need to pay cash, OP.

[Anonymous]

It sounded to me like the yard work was in addition to the cash.

I agree with selling his video games and with not allowing these friends and trying to find some alternative activities.

suggestion above of one week of grounding is too short, but until summer is too long.

Why does he get depressed often? Work on that to try to get at the root cause of why he did something he knew was wrong.

[Anonymous]

Poor lad gets depressed easily? Ohhhh, that is sad.
He should be depressed steeling from the neighbor - he is felon now, and he will be even more depressed when this shit will come up during polygraphs or security clearances if he ever decides to get the job that requires any background investigation.
I agree with his dad.

[Anonymous]

These friends are over. No more contact. Done.

He does need to pay you back every single cent you pay the Neighbor. And DONT do the thing where you hold the money he gives you and you save it for him. Fold it in to your regular family budget.

Letter of apology to the neighbor. Like a PP, I wouldn’t want your kid “helping” with yard work but others may feel differently.

And CLEARLY his phone is already gone, right?