Vandalism plus lying about extent

[Anonymous]

In addition to all of the great suggestions above, OP and her husband should go to the school and talk with the son's guidance counselor. They should make sure that their son is not in classes anymore with any of the boys. They may need to dramatically change their son's schedule so that their son is out of contact with these boys. Sure, the boys may still be in contact on social media and phones but that will die a rapid death once the other boys don't see the son as much.

Tough times call for tough measures, OP. If your neighbor decides to press charges you will be shocked at how quickly things will escalate. You need to get your son back on the right track. This is going to require diligence and effort by you and your husband. You need to be backing up your husband, not undermining him, and you need to present a united front.

[Anonymous]

The above is the first piece of good advice received here. Unless you know what level he is involved, you don't know if he's a leader or member of the group. Talk with the school, find out more information, and definitely get him into some kind of counseling. I understand the depressed kid, and you do not want to send them to that deep dark hole of despair.

[Anonymous]

I'd start with a practical approach:

1. Start here by making him read this: http://humbrechtlaw.com/criminal-charges-in-virginia/virginia-vandalism-charges/

2. Whatever the criminal charge for these, he pays at home instead of jail. Help him understand the difference between a home sentence and jail sentence. Take him to the county jail, even ask a police offer to talk to your son and explain what it's like there. Don't go to Fairfax, go to DC. Make it stick! Cops will cooperate.

3. He will pay the criminal charges by working it off with the neighbor. Then he will be restitution by working it off with the neighbor, even if he's working every day (painting her house, yard word, washing car, groceries... anything).

4. Make a contract with the neighbor based on the criminal charges and restitution, have her sign it right away so she can't go back and say, "I've decided to press charges." Show her that you mean business and your kid is not getting away with a crime. Show her he's being sentenced as the law would sentence him.

As for depression: That's a separate thing. You'll have to get him treated for that.

But for now, I think it would make your dh happy and you happy if you followed my advice. This makes your emotions about the incident separate from the crime. You're doing what a judge would do, and a judge doesn't react or show emotions regarding the crime. The sentence is dealt by law, and that's that. I think your son will accept this more over your dh shaming him or coming down hard on him, making up consequences that aren't appropriate, taking stuff away... none of that is going to make him a non-criminal, which is the whole point of a consequence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd start with a practical approach:

1. Start here by making him read this: http://humbrechtlaw.com/criminal-charges-in-virginia/virginia-vandalism-charges/

2. Whatever the criminal charge for these, he pays at home instead of jail. Help him understand the difference between a home sentence and jail sentence. Take him to the county jail, even ask a police offer to talk to your son and explain what it's like there. Don't go to Fairfax, go to DC. Make it stick! Cops will cooperate.

3. He will pay the criminal charges by working it off with the neighbor. Then he will be restitution by working it off with the neighbor, even if he's working every day (painting her house, yard word, washing car, groceries... anything).

4. Make a contract with the neighbor based on the criminal charges and restitution, have her sign it right away so she can't go back and say, "I've decided to press charges." Show her that you mean business and your kid is not getting away with a crime. Show her he's being sentenced as the law would sentence him.

As for depression: That's a separate thing. You'll have to get him treated for that.

But for now, I think it would make your dh happy and you happy if you followed my advice. This makes your emotions about the incident separate from the crime. You're doing what a judge would do, and a judge doesn't react or show emotions regarding the crime. The sentence is dealt by law, and that's that. I think your son will accept this more over your dh shaming him or coming down hard on him, making up consequences that aren't appropriate, taking stuff away... none of that is going to make him a non-criminal, which is the whole point of a consequence.

^^me again. I don't think the other boys matter. Your son will have no time for those boys because he'll be too busy at "home jail." I wouldn't even bring that up with him. It's not going to help and won't matter anyway. HE did this. They have nothing to do with it. If you remove him from classes from the boys, etc... he's just going to think you're blaming the boys instead of his own decision to go along with it. It makes no sense in making him accountable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd start with a practical approach:

1. Start here by making him read this: http://humbrechtlaw.com/criminal-charges-in-virginia/virginia-vandalism-charges/

2. Whatever the criminal charge for these, he pays at home instead of jail. Help him understand the difference between a home sentence and jail sentence. Take him to the county jail, even ask a police offer to talk to your son and explain what it's like there. Don't go to Fairfax, go to DC. Make it stick! Cops will cooperate.

3. He will pay the criminal charges by working it off with the neighbor. Then he will be restitution by working it off with the neighbor, even if he's working every day (painting her house, yard word, washing car, groceries... anything).

4. Make a contract with the neighbor based on the criminal charges and restitution, have her sign it right away so she can't go back and say, "I've decided to press charges." Show her that you mean business and your kid is not getting away with a crime. Show her he's being sentenced as the law would sentence him.

As for depression: That's a separate thing. You'll have to get him treated for that.

But for now, I think it would make your dh happy and you happy if you followed my advice. This makes your emotions about the incident separate from the crime. You're doing what a judge would do, and a judge doesn't react or show emotions regarding the crime. The sentence is dealt by law, and that's that. I think your son will accept this more over your dh shaming him or coming down hard on him, making up consequences that aren't appropriate, taking stuff away... none of that is going to make him a non-criminal, which is the whole point of a consequence.

You just assume the neighbor wants to be part of this? If your kid damaged my shed, I would say "you gotta be f-ing kidding if you think I am going to help you parent. Get him off my yard. Now."

[Anonymous]

If he has depression, he will be depressed. Maybe standing up and doing the right thing will help him build confidence and moral fiber. Team husband here.

[Anonymous]

Please think: the neighbor does NOT want to supervise the kid. That’s like being victimized twice. If the neighbor agrees to any yard work or whatever, it’s the parents responsibility to supervise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please think: the neighbor does NOT want to supervise the kid. That’s like being victimized twice. If the neighbor agrees to any yard work or whatever, it’s the parents responsibility to supervise.

This is an excellent point. I absolutely think the boy should offer to do work at the neighbor's yard as part of restitution, but only if the parent is on site at all times watching the boy do the work. That is what the parents should offer to the neighbor -- their promise that they will visually supervise the boy at all times.

[Anonymous]

What your husband suggested is mild. MILD. I question your judgment and how you've raised him if you think this is "going too far."

TV/PS4 is a huge privilege in our house and it makes no sense to me that you included taking that away as too much. Those boys that he runs with are gone for life - no if or buts; too bad you can't separate him from them in school. But you actually want him to get "ungrounded" from seeing them at some point? Unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

Another vote for siding with your DH here. And you have to stick with it the whole time.

[Anonymous]

NP who also agrees with the husband here. As everyone has pointed out, this is extremely serious and your son is not remorseful. I wanted to comment on your concern about depression and these friends. My son also suffers from severe depression and social anxiety (several hospitalizations). I understand your concern about the effect of limiting or eliminating contact with the other kids involved, but I think you are misguided here.

You might not even have control over whether they stay friends because I can't imagine the other kids' parents allowing them to stay friends with your son. So, regardless of your decisions, you are likely to have to deal with the fallout of loss of friendships.

As to your own decision, you view your options as eliminating the friends and possibly causing depression or promoting relationships that are premised, at least in part, on criminal activity. It seems like a no brainer here. Get your son help for his depression. Fill his time with healthy activity and friendships. Ban your son from any relationship with these kids. Stop using depression as an excuse for his bad behavior and bad relationships. Regardless of whether he is depressed, he still needs to become a functional member of society and it's your job to get him there.

[Anonymous]

There is no hope for your son with your permissive parenting. If he was willing to vandalize a neighbor's shed AND steal from the neighbor, he is really far along the path of deviant behavior. Your son sounds like an entitled, spoiled brat. Start saving money for attorneys when he does something equally illegal or more serious again. This is the first time your son got caught, it probably isn't the first time he has engaged in this behavior. He probably started off causing minor mayhem with his friends before moving on to the shed.

You aren't getting that this really is a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Have him reenact it and then taze him. Show him how easily the consequences could have been drastically different.

I am joking of course, but not really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In addition to all of the great suggestions above, OP and her husband should go to the school and talk with the son's guidance counselor. They should make sure that their son is not in classes anymore with any of the boys. They may need to dramatically change their son's schedule so that their son is out of contact with these boys. Sure, the boys may still be in contact on social media and phones but that will die a rapid death once the other boys don't see the son as much.

Tough times call for tough measures, OP. If your neighbor decides to press charges you will be shocked at how quickly things will escalate. You need to get your son back on the right track. This is going to require diligence and effort by you and your husband. You need to be backing up your husband, not undermining him, and you need to present a united front.[/quote

Do you really think a guidance counselor is going to change a student's schedule in late March? The vandalism happened outside of school hours. Parent your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In addition to all of the great suggestions above, OP and her husband should go to the school and talk with the son's guidance counselor. They should make sure that their son is not in classes anymore with any of the boys. They may need to dramatically change their son's schedule so that their son is out of contact with these boys. Sure, the boys may still be in contact on social media and phones but that will die a rapid death once the other boys don't see the son as much.

Tough times call for tough measures, OP. If your neighbor decides to press charges you will be shocked at how quickly things will escalate. You need to get your son back on the right track. This is going to require diligence and effort by you and your husband. You need to be backing up your husband, not undermining him, and you need to present a united front.

Do you really think a guidance counselor is going to change a student's schedule in late March? The vandalism happened outside of school hours. Parent your child.

I’m not the PP, but vandalism and theft are both criminal activities. Depending on the value of the items stolen, it may even be a felony. Pretty sure the school would work with you if at all possible when a child has turned into such a bad apple and it may still be possible to right the ship. Or at least prevent it from going under entirely.

The mom seems to be in denial though, so I don’t have high hopes unfortunately.