Vandalism plus lying about extent

[Anonymous]

Team DH.

Stop coddling your kid. That’s why you’re here and why he lied to you.

[Anonymous]

Team DH. Your son needs structure and consequences. A slap on the wrist isn’t sufficient for this event.

I agree he needs new friends, but telling him he can’t see them could make him dig in and even cause him to sneak around and lie more to you when he sees them behind your back. Besides, as others have said, he’ll see them in school anyway. Best to sign him up for new sports and activities like theater. Send him away for summer camp.

I read this and think back to my own DS’ citation for shoplifting. XDH helped DS hide it from me and didn’t impose any consequences of his own, like taking away the car he had given DS for even a week. I posted here at the time and people called me a troll because they couldn’t believe it. When I did find out, I got DS’ car taken away for a month, and DS grounded, and DS acted like I was the wicked witch of the west by comparison with his dad. I wish my XDH had been as good a parent as your DH, parenting is hard because it’s not about being the bff, and you need to be on the same page with him and definitely don’t undermine him.

[Anonymous]

While he needs a firm and strong punishment for the vandalism and stealing he needs an equally strong punishment for lying. To me that is far worse than the initial offense and it would take many many many months of NO lying for me to even think about trusting again.
He needs a punishment for the crime and then add on more time for the lying. That way he realizes he could have gotten off in 4 weeks and paying back the damage, but now he is stuck for another 4 weeks of doing nothing for lying (or something like that).

Trust is everything and should be treated like currency. He is currently bankrupt and i would let him know that. Computer in his room? Nope can't be trusted. Phone use? Nope, can't be trusted. Going out with friends? Nope, can't be trusted. Period.

[Anonymous]

I’m generally with the posters who are advising you to be very strict and take this very seriously. But I’m also reminded of some advice from a very wise nanny I had, who, when I suggested some pretty huge consequences and strong criticism for the kids if they acted in a certain way when they were young, said she wanted to be careful that the kids didn’t start thinking of themselves as bad kids. I thought that was good advice to temper my own inclinations. So, when you’re dealing with your son, I suggest being stern and keeping watch on him and taking away privileges, but also making it clear you think he is a good kid who made bad choices but that he can make good choices in the future and earn your trust again and with hard work it can be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While he needs a firm and strong punishment for the vandalism and stealing he needs an equally strong punishment for lying. To me that is far worse than the initial offense and it would take many many many months of NO lying for me to even think about trusting again.
He needs a punishment for the crime and then add on more time for the lying. That way he realizes he could have gotten off in 4 weeks and paying back the damage, but now he is stuck for another 4 weeks of doing nothing for lying (or something like that).

Trust is everything and should be treated like currency. He is currently bankrupt and i would let him know that. Computer in his room? Nope can't be trusted. Phone use? Nope, can't be trusted. Going out with friends? Nope, can't be trusted. Period.

I agree that the lying is just as bad as the original offenses (i.e. VERY bad). Another thing that I haven't seen mentioned much in the thread is the feeling of being violated that the neighbor must feel. It's not the same as if the kids vandalized a billboard on public property or stole from a store. Those things are very bad, but when you trespass onto someone's property and commit crimes against those people, you are really sinking to a new low. It's a really unsettling feeling, being burgled when you think you are in your home, your "safe place" and that things are secure. She might no longer feel at peace there. It may stress her out to see the family next door. The fact that the mom seriously thinks that it's a good idea to suggest that her boy go over to the neighbor and spend time there shows a real lack of empathy.

There's honestly just so much wrong with what the kid did, and how the mom is (not) dealing with it, that it makes me sad. I feel bad for the neighbor. It sucks that there had to be an innocent victim and that the kid couldn't have just violated his own parents.

[Anonymous]

I am glad to hear he was 14. That tells me more they likely got caught up in really stupid choices rather than they are delinquents on the road to destruction.

Many young teen males make really bad choices. Really bad. They don't think through the consequences of their actions at all.

I think you need to be intentional in your punishments. These need to be life lessons for him. If it is punishment for the sake of punishment because you / DH are mad - no point. Focus on what his actions tell you. He lacked respect for the property of others, he took things that didn't belong to him, he wasn't truthful or trustworthy. To learn the lesson, I would take away some things of his. Maybe he sells his video games / console to raise money to pay her back. You need to connect what he did to his own life. The friends - I don't know..are they hoodlums or just remorseful dumb kids. I wouldn't let him go out anywhere with them but I also wouldn't cut off all social contact if those are his only friends and he needs those connections for his mental health. Maybe they come over and work under your supervision. The lying means you can't trust him. Things you trusted him with before are now pulled back.

[Anonymous]

Military school is always an option. Jk— but seriously he would have no phone and no game system- no brainer

[Anonymous]

OP - If he is 14, are these kids in his classes or other activities routinely? If so you and DH husband will need to be on the same page in consequences and in helping him gain the skills to deal with perr pressure. With summer around the corner, you will want and need to have him in supervised activities
With little unstructured time to just hang out. It might be helpful to him to get him out of town some of the time to overnight camps. Kids make bad decisions, but some need more support and oerhsps professional support to avoid making the same mistake again.

You and DH also want to be sure you are seen as taking charge of helping your son face up to all aspects of the incident rather than trying to cover for him in any way. Personally, I think a direct apology with full restitution or payment for any repair should be done so the neighbor is not invoked in "the parenting" part of the event. Then you work it out between you and your son. again try an encouragr some new and positive outside of school activities. AND, of course, you and DH monitor closely all electronic use and will need to monitor his free time. I would stress the main "Famiky or character issue" here is that trust will take time to be rebuilt.

You do not mention having any contact with the other teens who were involved parents, so maybe this is an indication that you will need to make a greater effort to know who he hangs out with.

[Anonymous]

I agree 100% with everything here. The one additional thing I’d do is get in contact with the other parents and try to get them on board with similar consequences.

On the one hand you’ll want to go ahead with your own consequences whatever these other families do.

But on the other hand it would be good for all the kids to see that they’re all having to make apologies and restitution. This might mean that your kid pays for some share of the damage and not all of the damage, but that’s a side effect and not the purpose.