Vandalism plus lying about extent

[Anonymous]

I would ground him for 2 months given what he did and he lied. I think its fair to take away the playstation/TV. He can do activities with the family but no friends, no school fun events, etc. You can spend the time with him so he doesn't get depressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please think: the neighbor does NOT want to supervise the kid. That’s like being victimized twice. If the neighbor agrees to any yard work or whatever, it’s the parents responsibility to supervise.

+1, pay for the repairs and leave the neighbors alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In addition to all of the great suggestions above, OP and her husband should go to the school and talk with the son's guidance counselor. They should make sure that their son is not in classes anymore with any of the boys. They may need to dramatically change their son's schedule so that their son is out of contact with these boys. Sure, the boys may still be in contact on social media and phones but that will die a rapid death once the other boys don't see the son as much.

Tough times call for tough measures, OP. If your neighbor decides to press charges you will be shocked at how quickly things will escalate. You need to get your son back on the right track. This is going to require diligence and effort by you and your husband. You need to be backing up your husband, not undermining him, and you need to present a united front.

Do you really think a guidance counselor is going to change a student's schedule in late March? The vandalism happened outside of school hours. Parent your child.

I’m not the PP, but vandalism and theft are both criminal activities. Depending on the value of the items stolen, it may even be a felony. Pretty sure the school would work with you if at all possible when a child has turned into such a bad apple and it may still be possible to right the ship. Or at least prevent it from going under entirely.

The mom seems to be in denial though, so I don’t have high hopes unfortunately.

FP. Yes, the school absolutely will change his schedule, especially a public school. At a smaller private it may not be possible but a public school definitely will. I agree re the mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no hope for your son with your permissive parenting. If he was willing to vandalize a neighbor's shed AND steal from the neighbor, he is really far along the path of deviant behavior. Your son sounds like an entitled, spoiled brat. Start saving money for attorneys when he does something equally illegal or more serious again. This is the first time your son got caught, it probably isn't the first time he has engaged in this behavior. He probably started off causing minor mayhem with his friends before moving on to the shed.

You aren't getting that this really is a big deal.

+1. OP, don't coddle. If he is depressed - take him to see a therapist every week and ask if a medication will be right for him.

Don't be lenient and make excuses - you don't want to be that mother 5 years down the road with a deer in the headlights look on her face when she finds out he is on drugs. These boys are bad influence. Your child is on his way to be a lying defiant felon. Nobody but parents can put him on the straight and narrow. Team husband here.

[Anonymous]

Your son's life needs to change. Normally functioning adults don't do any of this. He needs a really life changing experience (one that will spring to mind fifteen years from now when he thinks about stealing breaking the law in some other way) to help him understand that he can't go on like this. What your husband has suggested is a first step. DS should understand that he's being given an opportunity not to go to military school by working off this debt and trying to make restitution for this crime. If he embraces it then maybe -- not definitely --- he can work back to a life somewhat like he had before. If not, then military school.

You will be doing him a favor.

[Anonymous]

OP here -- thanks very much for posting, and I really mean that to everyone who responded. Your advice and reactions are helpful, especially those with concrete suggestions; for example, I had not gotten so far as to consider that we should directly supervise him while working for the neighbor (if she even accepts this offer) and that is a good point. I expected many of the negative comments about my thoughts as to punishment or my parenting skills! After all, I read this forum and I still asked for the collective DCUM opinion, so I appreciate the honesty. Hearing how other parents would handle the situation is incredibly helpful.

[Anonymous]

Your son almost certainly needs counseling. He very likely also needs to start doing things that are positive. Get your kid involved in a steady community service project doing something where he can be responsible and do good.

For example, I am with the others that there is a very good chance that the neighbor does not want your son working off the debt. BUT! I would (with the neighbor's permission) make your son shovel their driveway or mow their lawn or whatever. OFTEN. NOT AS a way of working it off but as a way to say he is SORRY and to show them that he is a good kid who made a bad choice.

I would not completely cut him off from the bad kids but they would need to be together only with things where I am present -- at least for the foreseeable future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please think: the neighbor does NOT want to supervise the kid. That’s like being victimized twice. If the neighbor agrees to any yard work or whatever, it’s the parents responsibility to supervise.

This is an excellent point. I absolutely think the boy should offer to do work at the neighbor's yard as part of restitution, but only if the parent is on site at all times watching the boy do the work. That is what the parents should offer to the neighbor -- their promise that they will visually supervise the boy at all times.

Am I the only one who thinks yard work is silly? I honestly can't come up with five hundred dollars worth of yard work that needs doing. Even less if it is work for amateurs. Even less if it will be performed by someone I have no wish to be civil to.

OP, make peace with your neighbor any way you can. Punish your kid. Before bringing the neighbor in beyond the much owed direct apology, clear it with the neighbor.

[Anonymous]

Don't offer to help the neighbor. Leave them alone and just pay the repairs, punish your kid and be done with it.

[Anonymous]

I would be talk to the guidance counselor at school and take my kid to a therapist. There would be no contact outside of school with these other kids. Whether your son is the ringleader or a follower it doesn't matter. Clearly this is a group of kids who make bad decisions together.

[Anonymous]

Yard work is silly. He needs a job, an actual job where he gets money to pay you back. This isn’t coaching or liifegusrding or cleaning yards. This is a crap job where he goes to school and his job only. No time for friends.

All teens get depressed by the way. Even when they have a lot of friends and don’t commit crimes. That is who they are.

[Anonymous]

OP here -- he is 14. Are there jobs available for someone his age that pay $? I thought he is too young to work (legally).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- he is 14. Are there jobs available for someone his age that pay $? I thought he is too young to work (legally).

He can be a kid for rent on your local listserve. Plant watering, yard work etc. nothing great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- he is 14. Are there jobs available for someone his age that pay $? I thought he is too young to work (legally).

He can be a kid for rent on your local listserve. Plant watering, yard work etc. nothing great.

+1. Pet walking, although that would require a certain degree of trust.

About age - today 2 kids showed up with shovels at my door step offering to clear snow - brother and sister duo, the younger one must have been no older than 8.
So, no, unless he has some advanced job related skills - there is no easy cushy job for him that would pay good money. This is not the point, OP. It's supposed to be hard for him now. If he is to learn any lessons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- he is 14. Are there jobs available for someone his age that pay $? I thought he is too young to work (legally).

Have you even googled it? 14 is legal working age in many states including MD, VA and DC. He will need a work permit but those are easy to get. Push him, push yourself.