Generous or weak?
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Anonymous
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Despite trying to let go and find peace about this, I'm increasing resentful. DH and I blended families (2 each from previous marriage). Met each other several years after divorces. All 4 kids are with us more than our respective ex's. Each of us has a clear divorce and parenting agreement, including about financial issues. My ex and I split expenses per the agreement.
My DH, however, covers nearly everything for his kids (in addition to doing virtually all parenting). She has never paid the child support ordered and he has no interest in pursuing it. She is also supposed to pay a certain percentage of all additional expenses (kids' health insurance, medical/dental expenses, etc.). She has paid almost nothing, never what she is supposed to, and complains mightily about anything she does pay. In the last year we about $5K in out of pocket medical/dental expenses for DH's kids and more coming. He does not want to ask his ex to pay any of it (let alone the amount ordered) because "it's not worth the stress" and "she gets upset." I try not to think of it this way, but when these things happen, I feel as though I'm subsidizing the ex. She works full-time and earns a lot less than us but spends all of it on herself--traveled to Europe, hair done frequently, mani/pedi, goes out a lot, etc. She's an idiot because she brags about it to us. If she were in financial distress I would feel differently. She's just making her choices. She has mental illness (bipolar and borderline personality disorder) and very difficult to deal with. Sees herself the victim. I'm fine with waiving child support but I'd like DH to ask his ex to cover at least some of her portion of the kids' big expenses. We aren't going into debt. I earn 2/3 of our combined income, though, and because his child expenses are so high, I end up covering more of our joint expenses (mortgage, etc.) than we'd previously discussed, and it's meant not going on a planned vacation for my kids. |
Anonymous
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Generous. He's setting a good precedent for his kids to see how Ex-spouses can get a long. Presenting a calm front.
By all means, ask DH to ask his ex to pay for stuff. But don't expect it to happen. |
Anonymous
That was a big nothing burger. |
Anonymous
| I would be pissed too. Next time she brags to you just point blank ask her why she doesn’t pay child auppprt. Your husband sounds like a door mat. |
Anonymous
It's not Op's place to ask. Her husband should. The only think OP can do is stand firm on she and her husband's previously agreed upon division of financial responsibilities. Let him figure out how to pay for being a doormat, not pass it on to OP. |
Anonymous
| Generous OP. You want a man who does more than his fair share for his kids. It's the right thing to do. |
Anonymous
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OP if you had to forego a vacation that would make things change right there. At that point I would have told DH the ex can take the kids to the dentist etc. Let her pay the bill, or at least you guys split it. How about having the exes keep the kids more? That would cut expenses down, and give you and DH a break.
Your DH should be paying half the mortgage, utilities, etc. After that if he doesn't have enough to cover all the dental etc. he can't afford it. Therefore, he needs to make the ex pay her share. You shouldn't be paying her share, and going without. |
Anonymous
| Ok, you are getting child support, you work, he works and you cannot take care of 4 kids? Sounds like you are living above your means. You really don't want to rock the boat with her as you could get into a costly battle. My husband's ex did that with my husband and the judge took away 2/3rds of what was ordered instead of giving her more like she asked. Be grateful you have the kids and pay for them. You pay your kids, he pays his. You each pay 1/2 the house expenses. Done. |
Anonymous
| This is what you get when you blend a family. Kids should come first, always. Your DH is generous and principled. |
Anonymous
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Generous. Your husband knows his children have an unstable mother and he's making sure they are taken care of. He's a good man.
Are you this lady? http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/708602.page |
Anonymous
Right, kids come first--which means DH needs to be pushing his ex-wife to live up to her side of the bargain. Wage garnishment, that kind of thing. That has the bonus impact of being good for the marriage. OP is doing her duty making sure DH's kids get what they need--but DH isn't doing his own duty here. He's the weak one. |
Anonymous
No, not me. |
Anonymous
| If this is how your DH and ex handled it before you were married, why did you expect it to change? |
Anonymous
OP here. He cannot afford to pay half, specifically because he's paying all of these expenses for his kids. |
Anonymous
I was in this situation. Play the long game. For 10 yrs, I "supported" DH while he supported his kids. Kids are now grown and out of college. We have more than enough and a great life. |