Dh treating Sunday dinner every week and other extras

[Anonymous]

Dh and I have been married 1.5 years. On Sundays we always go out to dinner with his ex wife, their 3 kids, and sometimes their mom brings her boyfriend. DH insists on treating every single time even though their mom and the boyfriend try and pay. I casually mentioned this week that he should take them up on their offer once in awhile and he got very serious and said "Larla Im the patriarch of my family and Sunday dinner will be on me, every week, no matter who comes, every single time." This is NOT like my husband. He's not an alpha male and Ive never even heard him say the word patriarch before. It made me wonder why he has such a need to treat. Makes other things feel a little un easy too. Like sometimes he will give Ex a few 50s and say "I know its been a heavy month." Which is in regards to random kid expenses. That makes me uneasy as I know the amount taken out of his paycheck is very generous and far above what court ordered. Also the oldest is turning 18 soon and the agreement is to stop paying 180 days after high school graduation and he has already said things like "we will see how it works out" and "even though he's leaving the house there will still be expenses" etc etc. My gut says its too much but my mind says I have to stay out of it in order for this to work. Before you pound me I am NOT the other woman, DH was divorced for 3 years before I met him, and we all as adults get along well. I have a child from my first marriage but her dad is not around financially or physically so I dont have an idea of the "norm." Any insight from other blended families.

[Anonymous]

He wants to do it, he isn't hurting anybody, what's your beef?

[Anonymous]

I think this is the kind of thing I’d accept and let go. I can understand why it bothers you, but I don’t think it’s worth turning it into a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have been married 1.5 years. On Sundays we always go out to dinner with his ex wife, their 3 kids, and sometimes their mom brings her boyfriend. DH insists on treating every single time even though their mom and the boyfriend try and pay. I casually mentioned this week that he should take them up on their offer once in awhile and he got very serious and said "Larla Im the patriarch of my family and Sunday dinner will be on me, every week, no matter who comes, every single time." This is NOT like my husband. He's not an alpha male and Ive never even heard him say the word patriarch before. It made me wonder why he has such a need to treat. Makes other things feel a little un easy too. Like sometimes he will give Ex a few 50s and say "I know its been a heavy month." Which is in regards to random kid expenses. That makes me uneasy as I know the amount taken out of his paycheck is very generous and far above what court ordered. Also the oldest is turning 18 soon and the agreement is to stop paying 180 days after high school graduation and he has already said things like "we will see how it works out" and "even though he's leaving the house there will still be expenses" etc etc. My gut says its too much but my mind says I have to stay out of it in order for this to work. Before you pound me I am NOT the other woman, DH was divorced for 3 years before I met him, and we all as adults get along well. I have a child from my first marriage but her dad is not around financially or physically so I dont have an idea of the "norm." Any insight from other blended families.

I don't see anything good coming out of you opining on this issue. It is, for all intents and purposes, none of your business. It will never be your business how much he chooses to give his child(ren). You haven't been in the picture long enough to earn the right to have an opinion about it. It seems to me you are viewing his income as yours to manage.

[Anonymous]

Very weird.

[Anonymous]

Aside from the fact that it's damn patronizing and as the ex-wife or boyfriend of ex-wife, I wouldn't stand for it...

It's a problem for YOU only if your household can't afford it. That notion is fraught, of course. At what point can you say you can't afford to give beyond official child support? When you're not maxing out your retirement? When you can't pay your bills?

It's tricky, and more so because it sounds like your husband is really getting a kick out of this. Make no mistake, it's his way of staying in control. That's really not healthy. Watch yourself.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a good dad. Unless you two are struggling financially I would stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Be glad your DH wants his kids to have a good life and doesn’t feel the need to punish his ex all the time. It was a heavy month for kid expenses? Who cares if she gets an extra $150. He buys dinner for his family (his ex is still family)? That’s fine too.

Unless he can’t contribute to your joint bills, back off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a good dad. Unless you two are struggling financially I would stay out of it.

Same.

[Anonymous]

Unless you are in a financial bind leave it alone. Also most parents with kids in college give them money so you may as well get used to that fact. Also...surely your daughter benefits financially from your DH, who is not her father, at the very least from you having someone to split household bills with yet that doesn’t seem to be some lavish expense to you why are you begrudging him contributing generously to his own biological children?

[Anonymous]

So six months after graduating from high school his son should be self-supporting? Hell, my son is in medical school and I still send him $300 giftcards to the supermarket.

[Anonymous]

So sweet, I’d be proud

[Anonymous]

I can see why it bothers you, but the safest thing would be to leave it alone.

On the other hand, can you afford all these extra expenses beyond the court-mandated child support?

I imagine your DH probably feels guilty about the divorce . . .

[Anonymous]

If you marry a man with three kids, you lose a lot of say over the distribution of your household money. It will never be like you could combine finances and make joint decisions like you could if they were the children of both of you, because he's supporting his kids, which is a good thing, right?

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a real catch. Generous, emotionally mature, and a good father. You should let this go as long as it’s not causing financial strain and be proud that you’re with such a good man.

Also, of course he doesn’t want to cut off his 18 year old from financial support! That’s not the norm these days.