Generous or weak?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, you are getting child support, you work, he works and you cannot take care of 4 kids? Sounds like you are living above your means. You really don't want to rock the boat with her as you could get into a costly battle. My husband's ex did that with my husband and the judge took away 2/3rds of what was ordered instead of giving her more like she asked. Be grateful you have the kids and pay for them. You pay your kids, he pays his. You each pay 1/2 the house expenses. Done.

OP here. He cannot afford to pay half, specifically because he's paying all of these expenses for his kids.

No OP he can't afford to cover his ex'es expenses. I would redo your finances, split the household down the middle. Put your half in the account. From there have him pay the mortgage and lights. Stop paying for his ex. If he's short of money after that, he'll have to make her responsible. Any money you have left over you can use for savings, or vacations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, you are getting child support, you work, he works and you cannot take care of 4 kids? Sounds like you are living above your means. You really don't want to rock the boat with her as you could get into a costly battle. My husband's ex did that with my husband and the judge took away 2/3rds of what was ordered instead of giving her more like she asked. Be grateful you have the kids and pay for them. You pay your kids, he pays his. You each pay 1/2 the house expenses. Done.

OP here. He cannot afford to pay half, specifically because he's paying all of these expenses for his kids.

Then you need to get into a cheaper house and reduce your expenses so he can pay half. I don't get your issue. He is lucky to have custody of his kids, being a man. He will spend more fighting in court than he will get out of Mom. My husband would gladly take that deal and make it work. You are having him live above his means. Maybe you each should live seperate for a while if its a huge issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, you are getting child support, you work, he works and you cannot take care of 4 kids? Sounds like you are living above your means. You really don't want to rock the boat with her as you could get into a costly battle. My husband's ex did that with my husband and the judge took away 2/3rds of what was ordered instead of giving her more like she asked. Be grateful you have the kids and pay for them. You pay your kids, he pays his. You each pay 1/2 the house expenses. Done.

OP here. He cannot afford to pay half, specifically because he's paying all of these expenses for his kids.

I was in this situation. Play the long game. For 10 yrs, I "supported" DH while he supported his kids. Kids are now grown and out of college. We have more than enough and a great life.

+1, I did too. I helped my husband significantly as his ex was a money grubber. We were so grateful when the youngest turned 18/done with child support. Now that its over its not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, you are getting child support, you work, he works and you cannot take care of 4 kids? Sounds like you are living above your means. You really don't want to rock the boat with her as you could get into a costly battle. My husband's ex did that with my husband and the judge took away 2/3rds of what was ordered instead of giving her more like she asked. Be grateful you have the kids and pay for them. You pay your kids, he pays his. You each pay 1/2 the house expenses. Done.

OP here. He cannot afford to pay half, specifically because he's paying all of these expenses for his kids.

I was in this situation. Play the long game. For 10 yrs, I "supported" DH while he supported his kids. Kids are now grown and out of college. We have more than enough and a great life.

Oh I don't know. My friend thought it would end at 18. At 30 he paid for daughter's divorce lawyer behind my friends back. Paid for her to get a rental car when she crashed...on and on it went. He used their marital funds to support his grown kids who were losers. Finally she divorced him before they could tap into their retirement.

Joint account for all the household bills. Each put their 50% in. After that each can pay whatever for their own bio kids. If her husband wants to pay it all on his own then he can do a payment plan or get a p/t job. Or make the former wife pay her fair share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Right, kids come first--which means DH needs to be pushing his ex-wife to live up to her side of the bargain. Wage garnishment, that kind of thing.

That has the bonus impact of being good for the marriage.

OP is doing her duty making sure DH's kids get what they need--but DH isn't doing his own duty here. He's the weak one.

OP said the ex-wife is bi-polar and borderline. Perhaps the husband feels like the best way to manage this is specifically to not push her and to pay more instead of poking the bear, so to speak. It doesn't sound like dealing with the ex-wife is a very easy thing and he's probably doing the best he can by protecting his kids and avoiding conflict with the ex-wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, you are getting child support, you work, he works and you cannot take care of 4 kids? Sounds like you are living above your means. You really don't want to rock the boat with her as you could get into a costly battle. My husband's ex did that with my husband and the judge took away 2/3rds of what was ordered instead of giving her more like she asked. Be grateful you have the kids and pay for them. You pay your kids, he pays his. You each pay 1/2 the house expenses. Done.

OP here. He cannot afford to pay half, specifically because he's paying all of these expenses for his kids.

I was in this situation. Play the long game. For 10 yrs, I "supported" DH while he supported his kids. Kids are now grown and out of college. We have more than enough and a great life.

+1

[Anonymous]

I think generous/weak is a false choice. It sounds practical -- he's dealt with her before, and given his experience he thinks that in the big picture, this is going to produce the best results overall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, you are getting child support, you work, he works and you cannot take care of 4 kids? Sounds like you are living above your means. You really don't want to rock the boat with her as you could get into a costly battle. My husband's ex did that with my husband and the judge took away 2/3rds of what was ordered instead of giving her more like she asked. Be grateful you have the kids and pay for them. You pay your kids, he pays his. You each pay 1/2 the house expenses. Done.

OP here. He cannot afford to pay half, specifically because he's paying all of these expenses for his kids.

Then you need to get into a cheaper house and reduce your expenses so he can pay half. I don't get your issue. He is lucky to have custody of his kids, being a man. He will spend more fighting in court than he will get out of Mom. My husband would gladly take that deal and make it work. You are having him live above his means. Maybe you each should live seperate for a while if its a huge issue.

It's a big issue. They had to forgo a vacation because he refuses to make his ex wife accountable. He won't even ask her, so it's not a court issue. OP is paying for the ex wife.
OP maybe have the ex take the kids to the dentist/doctors and she can pay it. Then get half from you guys later on. Let her do those appointments on her time. One way to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I think generous/weak is a false choice. It sounds practical -- he's dealt with her before, and given his experience he thinks that in the big picture, this is going to produce the best results overall.

lol Ok what would her DH do then if she didn't make that amount of income????????????

Great let him pay, but he needs to pay at least 50% of his bills first. After that he will need to figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think generous/weak is a false choice. It sounds practical -- he's dealt with her before, and given his experience he thinks that in the big picture, this is going to produce the best results overall.

lol Ok what would her DH do then if she didn't make that amount of income????????????

Great let him pay, but he needs to pay at least 50% of his bills first. After that he will need to figure it out.

I don't get the huge kids expenses. Clothing, an activity, child care. His bills are the kids. He is the primary parent. She probably picked a big overpriced house and overspends on food and such and wants him to pay when she gets child support, he does not. You cannot force someone to pay if they don't pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, you are getting child support, you work, he works and you cannot take care of 4 kids? Sounds like you are living above your means. You really don't want to rock the boat with her as you could get into a costly battle. My husband's ex did that with my husband and the judge took away 2/3rds of what was ordered instead of giving her more like she asked. Be grateful you have the kids and pay for them. You pay your kids, he pays his. You each pay 1/2 the house expenses. Done.

OP here. He cannot afford to pay half, specifically because he's paying all of these expenses for his kids.

Then you need to get into a cheaper house and reduce your expenses so he can pay half. I don't get your issue. He is lucky to have custody of his kids, being a man. He will spend more fighting in court than he will get out of Mom. My husband would gladly take that deal and make it work. You are having him live above his means. Maybe you each should live seperate for a while if its a huge issue.

It's a big issue. They had to forgo a vacation because he refuses to make his ex wife accountable. He won't even ask her, so it's not a court issue. OP is paying for the ex wife.
OP maybe have the ex take the kids to the dentist/doctors and she can pay it. Then get half from you guys later on. Let her do those appointments on her time. One way to deal with it.

Or, she can be like my husband's ex and not take the kids so the kids don't go. Ok, so they forgo a vacation. A vacation is a luxury, not a necessity. They are his kids.

[Anonymous]

OP here. To be clear, it's not a court issue, and we are all happy with the parenting time situation. DH's ex doesn't want more (and cannot handle more).

His ex would pay if he asked (she has the money), but she cries and complains about how unhappy she is in life, how she wishes they were still together, that everything is unfair, etc.

[Anonymous]

there is a double standard for men in these situations.

"society" in general expects a man to pay money to the woman after divorce. The woman typically feels entitled to it. Men who go after their ex for money are looked upon a mean and vindictive.
Women who go after men for child support are seen as protecting their kids and standing up for themselves.

I wouldn't say he is weak but he is trapped by gender roles.

About the only people in society who don't see the ex wife as a victim entitled to what ever she can get from the ex husband is the new wife of the husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, you are getting child support, you work, he works and you cannot take care of 4 kids? Sounds like you are living above your means. You really don't want to rock the boat with her as you could get into a costly battle. My husband's ex did that with my husband and the judge took away 2/3rds of what was ordered instead of giving her more like she asked. Be grateful you have the kids and pay for them. You pay your kids, he pays his. You each pay 1/2 the house expenses. Done.

OP here. He cannot afford to pay half, specifically because he's paying all of these expenses for his kids.

Then you need to get into a cheaper house and reduce your expenses so he can pay half. I don't get your issue. He is lucky to have custody of his kids, being a man. He will spend more fighting in court than he will get out of Mom. My husband would gladly take that deal and make it work. You are having him live above his means. Maybe you each should live seperate for a while if its a huge issue.

It's a big issue. They had to forgo a vacation because he refuses to make his ex wife accountable. He won't even ask her, so it's not a court issue. OP is paying for the ex wife.
OP maybe have the ex take the kids to the dentist/doctors and she can pay it. Then get half from you guys later on. Let her do those appointments on her time. One way to deal with it.

Or, she can be like my husband's ex and not take the kids so the kids don't go. Ok, so they forgo a vacation. A vacation is a luxury, not a necessity. They are his kids.

...or the ex can forgo those European vacations and manicures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To be clear, it's not a court issue, and we are all happy with the parenting time situation. DH's ex doesn't want more (and cannot handle more).

His ex would pay if he asked (she has the money), but she cries and complains about how unhappy she is in life, how she wishes they were still together, that everything is unfair, etc.

It sounds like you both need to keep her at a distance if she does all that.

OP simply put less into the pot. You also have your own kids to think about. His ex being whiny doesn't get her off the hook imo.