How to stop feeling dread visiting IL
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Anonymous
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My MIL has had some pretty negative feelings about me since we got married 10 years ago. Unbeknownst to me (we weren't the closest, but always got along) she had basically been 'keeping score' for 10 years and cornered me at a family function to rattle off all of the ways i had 'slighted' her over the years. Including but not limited to not talking to a great aunt at some family reunion 8 years prior.
Anyway, i have just realized she will always be a critical person and take everything i do or don't do personally. Ever since that episode months ago i dread seeing them. Nothing is brought up and things are like they used to be with us being friendly but not best friends. I hate feeling this way now and i never had before. They are not as 'fun' as my DH would say as my family so it was always a bit of a drag to visit before, but now i just have no internal motivation to do so. I don't want to be judged for 3 days and we were just there for Thanksgiving and Christmas and now we are going again next weekend. I HATE that i feel this way and it puts a cloud on the entire trip for me. I haven't told DH because that puts him in a bad spot and we have moved past the confrontation but i just can't shake this feeling. Any advice? TLDR: MIL judges everything I do and confronted me at a reunion months ago about ways I have slighted her. Now i have a hard time not dreading visiting them even though nothing has been brought up since. |
Anonymous
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You need to talk with DH—And if he didn’t have a talk with his mother after her confrontation, he needs to do so.
Take a break from visiting them for awhile. |
Anonymous
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Decide whether it is worth it to you to:
a) Talk to DH and tell him what happened, and how it made you feel. Tell him your goal is to improve things, and ask that he talk to his parents with you about it. b) If DH agrees to help, sit down and talk to them about it, leading by clearly stating that your goal is to improve your relationship and make sure everyone is comfortable moving forward. If it's not worth it to you, then you need to DECIDE not to let this bother you--you can't make someone like that happy, so don't try. Be pleasant, be cordial, but stay close to DH and just keep it "surface." Treat her with kindness, but a bit of distance--keep her at arm's length. |
Anonymous
| 3 steps 1) Tell your husband & kids to visit without you. 2)Plan some fun stuff to do while they're gone. 3) Enjoy! |
Anonymous
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It is important to DH to have us all get along and I want to for his sake and the sake of my kids. THey are good with the kids and the kids enjoy getting out to the 'country' to visit. I used to like it (not my number one favorite time ever, but it was peaceful and nice) but now that I know she hated that i read a book when visiting and hated that I went to bed before they did one time and hated about 10000 other things over the years it just feel exhausting.
The holidays were bearable because she was busy with other relatives and I get along with this siblings. But this visit will be just us for 3 days. I wish I could just stay home but really don't want this to cause a fight between DH and I. She is totally not worth that. |
Anonymous
| Easy. Don't visit. And don't say it's not an option, because it is. Stop allowing her to abuse you. And don't allow your Dh to persuade you into doing anything that puts you in the position of abuse. |
Anonymous
Then. Talk. To. Your. Husband. |
Anonymous
Stay at a hotel rather than their house. You'll be able to get away, DH and kids will be able to visit his parents, and you won't be 'bothering' his mother if you want to read, or sleep, or do any of the other perfectly reasonable things that people do on vacation. |
Anonymous
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Remind DH that it was his mom who held a list of silly grievances— you have done your part to have a good relationship, but she has not. So you’re gonna have some space.
DH Can want you all to get along – – but he can’t really force it to happen. What he can do is make adjustments go expectations so don’t have to deal with his mom’s crap so much. |
Anonymous
| And it’s not a fight, or doesn’t need to be—And even if it is, you and your sanity are worth it. This isn’t about her so much as it is about your own needs, which are worth fighting for in a marriage. |
Anonymous
| Why are her feelings about you important? You cannot please everybody. Stay civil, but very detached. She wants to illicit a response from you, don’t feed into her madness. |
Anonymous
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I absolutely agree with the advice to stop visiting her. I don't think anything else will change your situation.
My inlaws were not as bad as what you describe but when I stopped going along with husband and kids for visits everybody involved had a much better time, especially me. |
Anonymous
This. I don't get everyone who just says don't visit. We visit because we're adults. You can't run and hide from every unpleasant person or situation. Op, it's very possible that this was an off moment for your mil. She may have anxiety or just not aging well. Don't make it a bigger deal than it is. I can understand that you're hurt but don't give this interaction more power than it deserves. |
Anonymous
| You should make a list of all the times she’s annoyed you and present it to her. |
Anonymous
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I would recognize that her list of grievances have nothing to do with you. It's her issue and not your issue. I would feel bad for her that she lives such a sad life.
I would try to view it that you these visits are for your DH and your children. They aren't for your MIL. When you visit continue to plan the weekend as you would have normally. Don't adjust what you do to try and please her because there is no pleasing someone like that. Go to bed when you want, read a book when you want. Go for a walk or bring a knitting project just things to do for yourself that make the visit more bearable for you. Good luck. Much easier said than done. |