How to stop feeling dread visiting IL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is important to DH to have us all get along and I want to for his sake and the sake of my kids. THey are good with the kids and the kids enjoy getting out to the 'country' to visit. I used to like it (not my number one favorite time ever, but it was peaceful and nice) but now that I know she hated that i read a book when visiting and hated that I went to bed before they did one time and hated about 10000 other things over the years it just feel exhausting.
The holidays were bearable because she was busy with other relatives and I get along with this siblings. But this visit will be just us for 3 days.
I wish I could just stay home but really don't want this to cause a fight between DH and I. She is totally not worth that.

Why would it cause a fight? Why would your husband fight with you about visiting a woman who nitpicks you so much that you dread visiting her? That can be his own issue with his family if he chooses, not yours. You're done with it.
His family, not yours. Stay home.

[Anonymous]

Does your DH know the destaiks is how your MIL treated you? Or did you keep that from him because you don’t eat conflict with your DH?

The real issue here is that you are swallowing your pain and discomfort to keep the peace with your DH. Why would there be a “fight” if you told him how you feel? You need to know that you have his support.

Just be you. Don’t worry about MIL’s reaction to you or whether or not you are pleasing her, particularly since you’ve been perfectly gracious and reasonable and her complaints seem very arbitrary with no rhyme or reason. But it’s inportant that you feel your DH’s support and understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your DH know the destaiks is how your MIL treated you? Or did you keep that from him because you don’t eat conflict with your DH?

The real issue here is that you are swallowing your pain and discomfort to keep the peace with your DH. Why would there be a “fight” if you told him how you feel? You need to know that you have his support.

Just be you. Don’t worry about MIL’s reaction to you or whether or not you are pleasing her, particularly since you’ve been perfectly gracious and reasonable and her complaints seem very arbitrary with no rhyme or reason. But it’s inportant that you feel your DH’s support and understanding.

Meant - does your DH know the details of how MIL treated you? And exactly what she said to you?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, if I suddenly told my husband, seemingly out of nowhere, that I couldn't cope with being around his family, so no more visits, he'd be very upset and confused.

But if I ***acted like a grown-up and communicated to him about bad dynamics with his family,*** he would see how I got there, and would be more understanding.

OP, you've done yourself and your husband a huge disservice by not talking to him about these problems. He likely won't fully believe and trust you, because to him, this feels like one huge overblown reaction and decision. How unfortunate that you didn't open your mouth and talk to him sooner. You've dug yourself in pretty deep.

[Anonymous]

For the sake of family and your children, just go. I agree with all the previous posters who say this is your issue for allowing her feelings to bother you. Spend your energy elsewhere! Cook nice meal for everybody (make sure you leave the kitchen spotless), take a walk, if they have dogs offer to walk them, spend your energy and time on your children and your husband, ignore the drama!

For what it's worth, my in-laws can't stand me. It's because I'm a different Faith than my they are, political views are very different than theirs, Etc. You know what, it's their problem not mine. My husband chose me. I am polite, civil, warm, and if they don't like me, it's their problem not mine. But I won't keep my children from them or my husband from them, they're family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would recognize that her list of grievances have nothing to do with you. It's her issue and not your issue. I would feel bad for her that she lives such a sad life.

I would try to view it that you these visits are for your DH and your children. They aren't for your MIL.

When you visit continue to plan the weekend as you would have normally. Don't adjust what you do to try and please her because there is no pleasing someone like that.
Go to bed when you want, read a book when you want. Go for a walk or bring a knitting project just things to do for yourself that make the visit more bearable for you.

Good luck. Much easier said than done.

This. Just continue to be pleasant, rely on having a shared love for your kids, and do your thing. If she wants to judge you for minor things, it’s not about you. She either misses her son and is upset that she’s not the #1 woman in his life, or she has other problems and is taking that out on you. Detach from caring what she thinks about you. I promise that it’s very liberating.

[Anonymous]

Op here. DH knows about the confrontation. I told him and we agreed she was in the wrong and we just dropped it. I was fine moving on in general but visiting is really bringing up those feelings of dread. I don't want to beat a dead horse with DH but I guess I am not over it so I should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remind DH that it was his mom who held a list of silly grievances— you have done your part to have a good relationship, but she has not. So you’re gonna have some space.

DH Can want you all to get along – – but he can’t really force it to happen. What he can do is make adjustments go expectations so don’t have to deal with his mom’s crap so much.

All of this. You are letting your DH off the hook here when this is really his problem. He needs to make some accommodations here. #1: letting you out of some of these trips. He takes the kids, you stay behind.

[Anonymous]

Old people are like that Op - they hold grudges over petty things. It sucks, it's annoying, and it causes dread, but you're only there for 3 days.

Can't you plan outings to get away - take the kids to the zoo, museum, whatever.

Have excuses lined up like you forgot your facial moisturizer so you're heading out target (then go veg out in a coffee shop/book store for 45 min). Just to give yourself some space.
Or bring your laptop and slip away to catch up on work emails when really you're scrolling through dcum.
Anything to give yourself a mental break and a little something to look forward to each day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DH knows about the confrontation. I told him and we agreed she was in the wrong and we just dropped it. I was fine moving on in general but visiting is really bringing up those feelings of dread. I don't want to beat a dead horse with DH but I guess I am not over it so I should.

If he never had a talk with his mom about how inappropriate her confrontation was and how it can never happen again, this isn't a dead horse. He needs to stand up for you.

[Anonymous]

That dread is your brain’s caution signal. It’s telling you that you can’t trust your MiL. And, if she’s the type to keep score for ten years, you really can’t trust her. I’ll never understand DCUM posters who tell OP’s to feel differently. We experience our feelings for reasons. They are our truths, and ignoring them gets us into trouble. Unless someone has a history of severe mental illness where they distort reality, it is so important to follow your gut.

It does suck that your husband is in the middle. But life is not fair. You trying to suck it up won’t make yourself feel better and it won’t soothe MiL either. Sometimes there are just uncomfortable and inconvenient situations that need to be dealt with for the sake of a happier, healthier future.

The only way to reduce your stress is to reduce contact with MiL. If you aren’t ready to cut off visits, cut off the flow of personal information.You’re “fine,” life is “the same old,” all delivered in a chipper tone, with a smile. Anything you say can and will be used against you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would recognize that her list of grievances have nothing to do with you. It's her issue and not your issue. I would feel bad for her that she lives such a sad life.

I would try to view it that you these visits are for your DH and your children. They aren't for your MIL.

When you visit continue to plan the weekend as you would have normally. Don't adjust what you do to try and please her because there is no pleasing someone like that.
Go to bed when you want, read a book when you want. Go for a walk or bring a knitting project just things to do for yourself that make the visit more bearable for you.

Good luck. Much easier said than done.

Yeah, this. Take enough alcohol for the visit as well (or buy once there if you are flying).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That dread is your brain’s caution signal. It’s telling you that you can’t trust your MiL. And, if she’s the type to keep score for ten years, you really can’t trust her. I’ll never understand DCUM posters who tell OP’s to feel differently. We experience our feelings for reasons. They are our truths, and ignoring them gets us into trouble. Unless someone has a history of severe mental illness where they distort reality, it is so important to follow your gut.

It does suck that your husband is in the middle. But life is not fair. You trying to suck it up won’t make yourself feel better and it won’t soothe MiL either. Sometimes there are just uncomfortable and inconvenient situations that need to be dealt with for the sake of a happier, healthier future.

The only way to reduce your stress is to reduce contact with MiL. If you aren’t ready to cut off visits, cut off the flow of personal information.You’re “fine,” life is “the same old,” all delivered in a chipper tone, with a smile. Anything you say can and will be used against you.

This is what I've resorted to with narcissistic MIL. It seems to work because she has nothing to latch onto to complain about later. Not to mention, given she seems fine with it, it confirms she wants nothing to do with me anyway.

[Anonymous]

^^continuing, OP, have you looked into gray rocking? It's very effective.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks everyone. The issue with me staying busy or leaving or being short, is she takes all of that as a personal slap in the face. Among her list of grievances was the time I took a phone call while we were visiting them even though she knew it was because I was waiting to see how my grandma was doing after a fall. She also says I don't talk enough even though I think I do. They often talk about people I don't know so yeah, not much to contribute. When I ask who these people are or something else she act annoyed that I don't know. I didn't grow up around where they are from do it's like wtf.

Ugh, anyway I don't hate her, I just hate that all the times she smiled at me she was secret taking note of things she hates about me.