If you were abused as a child by your parents, how do you cope with it now?

[Anonymous]

As a child and up to my teenage years I was physically and emotionally abused by my dad on a regular basis. I'm not talking about spankings and getting yelled at, my dad used to beat me and call me all sorts of names. The worst was when he kicked me in the stomach knocking me down to the ground and punched me in the face. He's even dragged me by my hair to the basement and then continue to beat me. I was always scared of my dad and resented my mom for not protecting me. There were times where she would just sit there and watch me get my ass beat which made things 100x worse.

I've told my parents on several occasions that what they did to me in the past was not acceptable and they seem to just shrug it off. My mom even had the nerve to tell me I need to be more understanding because my dad had a terrible childhood and he did the best he could. After having a kid of my own, I could never imagine treating my kid the way my mom and dad treated me.

If you were physically and emotionally abused as a child by your parents, how do you cope with it now?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry this happened to you.

I cope with it through therapy.

And I do not allow my children to ever be alone with my parents.

[Anonymous]

For me?

I was in therapy for a long time.

I also cut ties, but that was because the emotional imbalance continued, and it wasn’t worth it to me as an adult to have my mental health compromised any more, as I had choices.

[Anonymous]

I also cut ties. And got therapy. And refused to allow my kids to see my parents. And I take a low dose of anti anxiety meds. And I try to surround myself with kind people.

I am so sorry for what happened to you. That is serious shit you are describing. I hope that you are taking good care of yourself. Therapy really can be life saving.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry.

My experience wasn't as bad as yours, but it was bad.

Therapy helps. Being in a loving relationship helps.

But for me the wound was re-opened when I had children, and I had to work through everything all over again. When I get angry with my kids I sort of hear my dad's voice, even if I'm not doing anything inappropriate, and it scares the crap out of me, and I don't know if I'm the victim or the perpetrator.

I had a psychiatrist tell me that what I was really afraid of was becoming my parents, and I realized she was right, that I'm terrified of hurting my children, and I cannot understand how my dad could hurt me / my mom could ignore it (and I'm a woman, and not even remotely angry or violent, at all). And just that realization, knowing what I was afraid of, helped me so much.

You have to be self-aware.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry this happened to you.

I cope with it through therapy.

And I do not allow my children to ever be alone with my parents.

+1 except I don't allow my dad to see my kids (or me) at all.

[Anonymous]

I cope with the skills learned in years of therapy, plus some medications. During very tough times, I typically use bad coping methods, like drinking or binge eating. Talking with my siblings helps too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also cut ties. And got therapy. And refused to allow my kids to see my parents. And I take a low dose of anti anxiety meds. And I try to surround myself with kind people.

I am so sorry for what happened to you. That is serious shit you are describing. I hope that you are taking good care of yourself. Therapy really can be life saving.

New poster. Same here. I also did EMDR therapy to process traumatic memories and it really helped. It’s hard to explain so google it and research if you're interested. .

[Anonymous]

My mom was very, very neglectful which resulted in sexual abuse by one of her husbands. She slapped me across the face a few times but I could have kind of ... gotten over that. My father abandoned me in elementary school, leaving me with her.

Because of the sexual abuse I have no relationship with her. She has never met my children. I don't know if she knows I have any. My father and I reconciled after a couple of very awkward conversations.

OP, I think you should cut them out. And get therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was very, very neglectful which resulted in sexual abuse by one of her husbands. She slapped me across the face a few times but I could have kind of ... gotten over that. My father abandoned me in elementary school, leaving me with her.

Because of the sexual abuse I have no relationship with her. She has never met my children. I don't know if she knows I have any. My father and I reconciled after a couple of very awkward conversations.

OP, I think you should cut them out. And get therapy.

I agree. If a stranger had done these things to you, would you have a relationship with that person? If it had been a boyfriend? Just because you sprung from their loins, doesn't mean you owe your parents the time of day. Then add in their behavior today, making excuses, and it's the icing on the cake.

I think cutting them out would be healthier for you than trying to seek apologies or acknowledgement of what you went through. That's just not going to happen. A good therapist can be of immense help.

[Anonymous]

It's easier said than done to cut out from your life the first family you have known: your mother and father.

I was abused by my mom. She physically and emotionally abused me and my siblings, once beating my 3yo brother so bad in the summer time he had welts and she sent him to preschool in sweat pants. I eventually ran away, I struggled with abandoning my siblings for a long time. I think abuse was much more common and socially acceptable for a lot of families in the 70s and 80s, these were children of corporal punishment in schools. Boundaries were different. Not to excuse it, but I think context matters.

I was shunned for leaving my mother by many relatives because I alerted CPS when I did so as a teen. Most of my family was dysfunctional. Years later, I attempted to reconnect with her. She never apologized, never reconciled, I was in my early 20s at that point and (thought I) just "let it go". In reality, I suppressed the resentment, developed a victim mentality, and eventually married a husband that showed love in the way most familiar to me: emotional abuse, neglect, and eventually, physical abuse too. After years, I realized one day that I was becoming the abusive person my mother had become, it was what I knew, what was familiar, and I put myself in an environment where that was the primary thing that would thrive. It wasn't until the death of one child, and birth of another, that my eyes opened to this. I threw myself deep into therapeutic work, hoping to make up for lost time. As I grew in understanding, new habits, and actions, it caused major tensions and riffs at home that challenged me in every way, and eventually nearly sent me into a nervous breakdown. It was like a crab trying to get out of a barrel of dysfunction. My ex husband had patterns in his life, that had attracted us and he wasn't ready to make lifestyle changes in his 40s.

After one incident that left me shaken, bruised, and my daughter terrified for what she witnessed, I left the marital home with our young child. He didn't stop me, and he hasn't tried to reach her since. I went even deeper in examining the patterns of my life, and deciding what I wanted to take into the next season of life's journey. During this time, my mother revealed that she lied about who my birth father was. I strongly suspect there are more secrets, lies like this create other lies - but I became numb at that point and realized it was time to seriously draw the line with her influence in my life anymore. Maybe one day I will go back and pick up that envelope. For now, it sits and gathers dust as I focus on things of more importance to me right now. I recognize that it is a form of avoidance - I am okay with that right now, it is my healthiest choice in the big scheme of things. (I'm not divulging the full extent of all that is happening in my life right now!)

Looking for validation outside of yourself is dangerous. It is fine to explore other people's motivations, truths, and actions if it helps you become objective, but don't own standards that are not healthy. I made a conscious decision to step away from resolution of any issues directly with her - she knows drama, can't help drama, and her attitudes and expectations toward me are not a personal reflection of my standards, principles, or potential in life. That's not ideal, but it isn't a deal breaker for my happiness in life.

It has been a long, difficult journey to untangle the spaghetti of abuse and how it created chokeholds in my life. But I have learned, through therapy, prayer, meditation, medication (anti-depressants/anti-anxiety rx for 2 yrs), and developing positive support systems that a healthy emotional state is possible. I'm eternally grateful for a therapist who has helped me tremendously during the most painful seasons of life. And the network of my church, and "framily" - loving friends and relationships that have developed more meaningfulness because they have been a true demonstration of characteristics I was never able to find in my bloodline: integrity, loyalty, respect, kindness, love.

Issues still crop op. There is still a long way to go. But I don't own things outside of my area of responsibility anymore. I'm not angry with her anymore, or my father for never being there (I can count less than 20 times in my life where he was present).

Of course, my heart will always ache for a love and relationship I could never have with a mother or father. But I accept that loss as a part of my life, and I have gratitude for the part of life that is beautiful: my health, my child, my purposeful work, and my resilience. The potential for love with a person that truly can love without fear.

I'm not working to win her approval (or anyone else's) anymore. And as I have grown, I've been fortunate enough to recognize others battling what I did as a child/teen/young adult, and help them as they reorient to healthy patterns in life too. So there is more positivity than negativity occurring from that experience.

My daughter is young, but I'm thankful that I have broken patterns of abuse with her, and if everything I went through was just to give her a fighting chance and one leg up on life, it is worth it.

Being open about my past, not being afraid to look to my future - that has been the most helpful strategy (along with anchoring myself with professional/medical therapy, inspirational studies and principles of resilient people, and following through on good decision making even when I don't feel like doing it. It helps to build healthier habits. Eventually, you look back and know you could never go back to a poor mental state if you wanted to. Because you're finally free.

Do the work OP. It is hard, but it is rewarding, and you change your life patterns for your children. That is the best way to make the messiness of life a beautiful work of art.

[Anonymous]

Whoa. PP here. I'm sorry that was SO long. I didn't realize how much I had to share. But I hope that my vulnerable transparency gives some encouragement to you or others reading about this!

And I'm also going to assume there are typos and apologize now for those too. :^)

Good luck OP

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. I can't begin to understand your pain, but I feel like my experiences were similar. I was physically abused and also witnessed my father physically and emotionally abuse my mother. I limit my time with my parents to 2 hours max and try not to go to their house (my childhood home). They love fine dining so dinners at restaurants work well. I don't feel obligated to spend major holidays with them because they are stressful times. I never leave my children alone with them, but I never bad mouth them to my kids either. In their retirement and old age, my mother has become somewhat emotionally and financially abusive to my father. It's partially because my mother is probably getting even for the abuse she endured and maybe a natural decline that will lead to dementia. We are watching to make sure it doesn't cross a line. When it does, we plan on having them put in assisted living.

[Anonymous]

PTSD, nightmares about where I grew up, and memories that will never quite come to the surface. I'm almost 46. I've been dealing with this since I was 7. My dad died when I was 11, but the horrific nightmares started years before. There is a PTSD medication that can help with the nightmares, I went on it, but it reacted with my heart medication and I had to stop taking it. I also have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and am disabled. I'm a cutter, but my husband helps me, so I haven't cut for a long time. I cover those with music tats. I listen to heavy metal, which really helps, for some reason. This is my life. I cannot talk to a therapist. I can't get the words out. I can talk to my husband and to my adult sons. They are my therapists, and they lighten the mood and make me laugh, and know that I can survive another day. My 12 yr old is also a bright light in my life, and so are my two daughters. I couldn't live without my family to help me.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. Like others, I too can relate, sadly.

I have found it helpful to recognize that my parents were themselves abused and put their own sense of worthlessness and deep shame onto me.

From there I could come to see that I did not deserve it. First I went through a huge anger phase where I would not allow them or anyone else to continue to minimize, dismiss, and deny my experience. I insisted loudly to myself and others that I was mistreated, and that I did not deserve it.

This anger phase was helpful and necessary, but it doesn't serve me (or anyone) to stay in this phase. After I had essentially "shaken off" the shame and worthlessness they tried to put on me to unburden themselves, I moved to trying to treat myself more compassionately and "remothering" myself. This took time, but I would accept myself with my flaws and be gentle with myself.

Eventually I could extend empathy and compassion to my parents (at a distance - they are not healthy people and I cannot have contact with them), and this too, was an essential step. Abuse arises in the first place on the idea that people can be fundamentally bad and unworthy, and in order to really break out of the cycle, it is essential to stop putting your parents into that bucket as well. You don't have to accept their bad behavior (and you shouldn't), but when you can feel empathy for sad, bitter lives they have lived due to being trapped in unhealthy patterns, then you can free yourself from the pain and break the cycle.

The pain never completely goes away (at least not for me), and I have to regularly practice empathy towards myself to prevent myself from slipping back into beating myself up internally.

I sometimes read positive affirmations in the morning for a few minutes before getting out of bed. That sounds silly, but it really helps me start my day from a good place.

Good luck, OP! You are at the beginning of healing yourself. You can do this.