If you were abused as a child by your parents, how do you cope with it now?

[Anonymous]

OP I wanted to chime in to say, my mother was abused by HER mother, my grandmother. My mom never got over it. My mom is 70ish now. She had too much to drink and wept in my arms about her mom not too long ago.... "why did my mother hate me? I was just a little girl".... Years ago. Sad that it never leaves you.

I will say my mom broke the pattern. She was a loving mom and I respect her enormously for that. She did marry a man who was not a good match for her. Too bossy, overbearing, and his love seemed conditional.... She's never gotten over his affair and the following divorce. But she is in a better place in her life now, lives in a beautiful town, lovely little house, nice partner. She overcame, somehow. Not much therapy in her case. I can't really unravel or explain the parts of her that are permanently damaged vs. the parts that are damaged. When I find fault with some of her parenting of me as a kid, I remember to have compassion for her awful childhood. She did the best she could. And it was overall pretty darn good, all things considered.

I think you have to forgive and probably let them go. I don't think you can or should sustain a relationship with your abuser.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry this happened to you. I was spanked (not beaten to a bloody pulp), and it was bad enough. At some point I considered cutting ties with family, but other things came up, and it never really happened. I would definitely cut ties with abusive parents, no question about it. I don't think I could cope otherwise.

[Anonymous]

I don't know, OP. It's hard. Just letting you know you're not alone. Right down to my father dragging me around by my hair during beatings. My mother spitting in my face and verbally and emotionally abusing me since I can remember.

I've been in a lot of therapy, but it's hard to find a good therapist. It took years of hearing from many different therapists that I had a traumatic childhood for me to come to accept it. Any time I raised the issue with my parents they said I was being dramatic and my memories weren't accurate. I have a very strained relationship with them and I of course never allow them to be alone with my children.

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

These posts are really helpful. Thanks everyone for sharing. - not op

[Anonymous]

Cut all ties and worked very hard on forgiving them because forgiving them was a gift to me, not them. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

I'm very sorry OP.

I coped by burying everything very deep and moving far away from home as soon as possible. I then became an advocate for abused kids and that was an eye opening experience in recognizing that my upbringing was wholly unacceptable. So I did a fair amount of work on my own, got some therapy, made some bad decisions with men and then learned from that and gradually made better decisions, etc..

VERY late in life I got married and had kids and that provided tremendous clarity for me. I am much better to advocate for/protect my kids than I am able to do for myself - so doing that has helped me feel less guilty about the distance I maintain between me and my parents. I limit time with them, I refuse to engage w/ my father on a huge variety of issues, I refuse to participate when family dynamics become volatile, etc... I lean on my husband and close friends to help me remember who I am and what I care about. I take my childhood as a daily cautionary tale and lesson in what I strive not to be as a parent. I acknowledge some of the things my parents did right and that I appreciate.

It's hard work OP and I don't know that it ever truly ends. My childhood has defined me in so many ways - some of which are great, and some of which are lifelong struggles.

I hope you find a path that brings you peace and equanimity within yourself. You deserved better.

[Anonymous]

Forgiveness if a powerful tool.

[Anonymous]

This thread has some beautiful posts. Thank you all.

[Anonymous]

Left home at 18. Attended family reunion in 1989. Spoke to mother on the phone in 2000. Attended brother's funeral in 2010.
More than enough contact for what happened to me.

[Anonymous]

Has anyone’s parent truly changed and apologized?

I know the odds of this are essentially zero in my case but I just can’t seem to get my heart to understand that and stop waiting for my mom to come back and be different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone’s parent truly changed and apologized?

I know the odds of this are essentially zero in my case but I just can’t seem to get my heart to understand that and stop waiting for my mom to come back and be different.

My mother was recently told her illness is terminal. Part of me was hoping she would gain some clarity, but that didn’t happen. Maybe it will when she’s closer to dying, but I doubt it.

Years ago, I mourned the mother I would never have, and that helps to an extent. I’ve seen friends and family struggle with those same hopes, and it is tough. Find someone to talk to about it. Seek therapy if you haven’t already. Remind yourself that you will never have one of those nice, cookie-baking moms, and think about being grateful for the loving people you had/have in your life.

[Anonymous]

I was not physically abused (spanked, yes) but my dad is a very selfish man. He limited the help my mom could give me when one of my kids had a 4 month health crisis in the hospital, and I needed help with my other kids. We have been doing family therapy. She has gotten him to join the sessions recently. She and the therapist got him to read an apology recently. He didn't say what he was apologizing for, he made it clear that anything he could have done wrong was 'not his intent at all', and he sounded like a schoolboy being made to apologize by a teacher, but I consider it progress. I don't think he and I will ever be close or even get along well, but maybe we can up our visits from the current one-afternoon-per-year where he nods at my kids for a moment and then pretends he's the best grandpa in the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone’s parent truly changed and apologized?

I know the odds of this are essentially zero in my case but I just can’t seem to get my heart to understand that and stop waiting for my mom to come back and be different.

Not mine. I think she selectively erased certain things from her memory, so there's no point in rehashing things.

I forgive her in a way that I know why what happened happened. She may not have been in a position to act differently. It doesn't mean the relationship is essentially dead, and I forgot. I don't think you forget this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone’s parent truly changed and apologized?

I know the odds of this are essentially zero in my case but I just can’t seem to get my heart to understand that and stop waiting for my mom to come back and be different.

Mine didn't and I don't expect him to because he doesn't believe he did anything wrong because of course, millions of parents across the globe act just like you did! Once I became an adult I limited how much time I spent around him and to this day I don't say very much to him. The only thing that slowed him was age that finally caught up with him and some health issues one of which affects his memory. He doesn't remember very much. I do. I never forgave him. I just moved past it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone’s parent truly changed and apologized?

I know the odds of this are essentially zero in my case but I just can’t seem to get my heart to understand that and stop waiting for my mom to come back and be different.

No.