Reply to If you were abused as a child by your parents, how do you cope with it now?

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[quote=Anonymous]I'm sorry, OP. Like others, I too can relate, sadly.

I have found it helpful to recognize that my parents were themselves abused and put their own sense of worthlessness and deep shame onto me.

From there I could come to see that I did not deserve it. First I went through a huge anger phase where I would not allow them or anyone else to continue to minimize, dismiss, and deny my experience. I insisted loudly to myself and others that I was mistreated, and that I did not deserve it.

This anger phase was helpful and necessary, but it doesn't serve me (or anyone) to stay in this phase. After I had essentially "shaken off" the shame and worthlessness they tried to put on me to unburden themselves, I moved to trying to treat myself more compassionately and "remothering" myself. This took time, but I would accept myself with my flaws and be gentle with myself.

Eventually I could extend empathy and compassion to my parents (at a distance - they are not healthy people and I cannot have contact with them), and this too, was an essential step. Abuse arises in the first place on the idea that people can be fundamentally bad and unworthy, and in order to really break out of the cycle, it is essential to stop putting your parents into that bucket as well. You don't have to accept their bad behavior (and you shouldn't), but when you can feel empathy for sad, bitter lives they have lived due to being trapped in unhealthy patterns, then you can free yourself from the pain and break the cycle.

The pain never completely goes away (at least not for me), and I have to regularly practice empathy towards myself to prevent myself from slipping back into beating myself up internally.

I sometimes read positive affirmations in the morning for a few minutes before getting out of bed. That sounds silly, but it really helps me start my day from a good place.

Good luck, OP! You are at the beginning of healing yourself. You can do this. [/quote]

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