Reply to If you were abused as a child by your parents, how do you cope with it now?

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[quote=Anonymous]It's easier said than done to cut out from your life the first family you have known: your mother and father.

I was abused by my mom. She physically and emotionally abused me and my siblings, once beating my 3yo brother so bad in the summer time he had welts and she sent him to preschool in sweat pants. I eventually ran away, I struggled with abandoning my siblings for a long time. I think abuse was much more common and socially acceptable for a lot of families in the 70s and 80s, these were children of corporal punishment in schools. Boundaries were different. Not to excuse it, but I think context matters.

I was shunned for leaving my mother by many relatives because I alerted CPS when I did so as a teen. Most of my family was dysfunctional. Years later, I attempted to reconnect with her. She never apologized, never reconciled, I was in my early 20s at that point and (thought I) just "let it go". In reality, I suppressed the resentment, developed a victim mentality, and eventually married a husband that showed love in the way most familiar to me: emotional abuse, neglect, and eventually, physical abuse too. After years, I realized one day that I was becoming the abusive person my mother had become, it was what I knew, what was familiar, and I put myself in an environment where that was the primary thing that would thrive. It wasn't until the death of one child, and birth of another, that my eyes opened to this. I threw myself deep into therapeutic work, hoping to make up for lost time. As I grew in understanding, new habits, and actions, it caused major tensions and riffs at home that challenged me in every way, and eventually nearly sent me into a nervous breakdown. It was like a crab trying to get out of a barrel of dysfunction. My ex husband had patterns in his life, that had attracted us and he wasn't ready to make lifestyle changes in his 40s.

After one incident that left me shaken, bruised, and my daughter terrified for what she witnessed, I left the marital home with our young child. He didn't stop me, and he hasn't tried to reach her since.  I went even deeper in examining the patterns of my life, and deciding what I wanted to take into the next season of life's journey. During this time, my mother revealed that she lied about who my birth father was. I strongly suspect there are more secrets, lies like this create other lies - but I became numb at that point and realized it was time to seriously draw the line with her influence in my life anymore. Maybe one day I will go back and pick up that envelope. For now, it sits and gathers dust as I focus on things of more importance to me right now. I recognize that it is a form of avoidance - I am okay with that right now, it is my healthiest choice in the big scheme of things. (I'm not divulging the full extent of all that is happening in my life right now!)

Looking for validation outside of yourself is dangerous. It is fine to explore other people's motivations, truths, and actions if it helps you become objective, but don't own standards that are not healthy. I made a conscious decision to step away from resolution of any issues directly with her - she knows drama, can't help drama, and her attitudes and expectations toward me are not a personal reflection of my standards, principles, or potential in life. That's not ideal, but it isn't a deal breaker for my happiness in life.

It has been a long, difficult journey to untangle the spaghetti of abuse and how it created chokeholds in my life. But I have learned, through therapy, prayer, meditation, medication (anti-depressants/anti-anxiety rx for 2 yrs), and developing positive support systems that a healthy emotional state is possible. I'm eternally grateful for a therapist who has helped me tremendously during the most painful seasons of life. And the network of my church, and "framily" - loving friends and relationships that have developed more meaningfulness because they have been a true demonstration of characteristics I was never able to find in my bloodline: integrity, loyalty, respect, kindness, love.

Issues still crop op. There is still a long way to go. But I don't own things outside of my area of responsibility anymore. I'm not angry with her anymore, or my father for never being there (I can count less than 20 times in my life where he was present).

Of course, my heart will always ache for a love and relationship I could never have with a mother or father. But I accept that loss as a part of my life, and I have gratitude for the part of life that is beautiful: my health, my child, my purposeful work, and my resilience. The potential for love with a person that truly can love without fear.

I'm not working to win her approval (or anyone else's) anymore. And as I have grown, I've been fortunate enough to recognize others battling what I did as a child/teen/young adult, and help them as they reorient to healthy patterns in life too. So there is more positivity than negativity occurring from that experience.

My daughter is young, but I'm thankful that I have broken patterns of abuse with her, and if everything I went through was just to give her a fighting chance and one leg up on life, it is worth it.

Being open about my past, not being afraid to look to my future - that has been the most helpful strategy (along with anchoring myself with professional/medical therapy, inspirational studies and principles of resilient people, and following through on good decision making even when I don't feel like doing it. It helps to build healthier habits. Eventually, you look back and know you could never go back to a poor mental state if you wanted to. Because you're finally free.

Do the work OP. It is hard, but it is rewarding, and you change your life patterns for your children. That is the best way to make the messiness of life a beautiful work of art.[/quote]

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