Money Worries

[Anonymous]

If I’m not ready for joint finances and not even really wanting to talk about or use my savings/net worth with a partner, does that mean I’m not ready for marriage?

Long story short – in my 30s now, in a good relationship that we both see moving forward. I’m no heiress and I’m sure dcum will say it’s nothing – but I worked in NYC for 8+ yrs in finance and working those crazy jobs, I have ended up with a net worth around $1m. In DC now making ~170k; if bf and I were a combined household, we’d end up with a ~300-320k HHI. Problem is -- if we married, I’d want the trappings like close in, new construction home in Bethesda etc. It’d take a while to save that type of down payment, yet I also wouldn’t necessarily desire to pony up the down payment myself from my NYC earnings. Same with any big expenditure/savings I think of – I’d do it on my own, but not so sure I’d want to use that money in a marriage. Because while all is good right now (and it’s not like we’re getting engaged tomorrow – so I have time to think about it) – all I can think of is – what if I stupidly put up money for big expenses and for whatever reason the marriage doesn’t work out in the long haul?? It wouldn’t be a matter of – oh I can just remake that money. Those kinds of NYC finance jobs recruit young people and I’ve aged out; and if I could even score one, I don’t have the ability to work 15 hrs a day regularly now the way I did at 26.

Anyone had these thoughts? I feel like guys deal with this ALL the time – and most are able to take the “what’s mine is yours” approach for everything from down payments to 401ks, and I feel like I should feel the same way -- "what's mine is ours" and yet I don't really. And FWIW – I haven’t talked to bf about this and it’s not like I think he’s the kind who’ll start spending my money or anything . . . I just worry that I always end up thinking about this and can’t get over that hump (and it really only applies to big life expenses and big savings (so houses; investment accts; 401ks), I have no problem paying for dinners, concert tix, trips etc. and we both pay for those kinds of things). Am I just not meant to be in a partnership??

[Anonymous]

Quit acting like a woman and stop agonizing over this. Think like a man. Hire a lawyer, get a premarital agreement that stipulates what you're comfortable with sharing or not sharing and protect your assets. It's that simple. Stop mixing emotion with money. Stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quit acting like a woman and stop agonizing over this. Think like a man. Hire a lawyer, get a premarital agreement that stipulates what you're comfortable with sharing or not sharing and protect your assets. It's that simple. Stop mixing emotion with money. Stop.

Tell a man that he's somehow inadequate. Great start for a long happy married life

[Anonymous]

pp here. Sent that out too soon.

I agree with the previous poster that you should get with an attorney. Explore if there's a "softer" way of doing this. For instance, if all your pre-marital assets are held in a Trust, is it possible to easily walk away with it after a divorce, etc. This way, you don't have to have the pre-nup discussion.

Most men will not like that kinda discussion unless you are talking about inherited assets. IMHO.

[Anonymous]

Definitely consult with an attorney. You have worked way too hard to have someone come in and essentially take you to the cleaners.

[Anonymous]

Have you two talked about money at all? What is his situation? Kids, debt, $$ in the bank, or does he own a home? And, once you have all the information, talk to an attorney.

[Anonymous]

I honestly do not think you will ever get married. You are not the type, and that's OK!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly do not think you will ever get married. You are not the type, and that's OK!

Because?

[Anonymous]

If you two have kids, how will you divvy them up if you divorce? One kid goes to each parent? Hopefully you don't end up with 3 kids.

[Anonymous]

This thread is mistitled. It should be called Relationship Worries, not Money Worries. After all, you have the money. You just don’t want to share it with the one person you’re willing to share your life with. Odd.

[Anonymous]

These are valid questions, ignore the snark of the earlier posters. To answer your question directly, you are correct, you are not ready to marry your BF. Before I married DH I had similar concerns about a previous boyfriend. The reality is that my hesitation to join finances with him was a clear indication that Indid not see him as my husband/marriage material though I did not view it that way in the moment. Flash forward to DH, I never had those hesitations with him. Enjoy your time with BF now, but he is not your husband.

I also second the advice of PPs to see a lawyer. Getting your finances together regarding the $1 million from NYC is not solely dependent on whether you marry this BF or not. Handle it now so it is a non-issue in the future with whomever you decide to marry.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Dh here. I'm still in my 30s. DW and I have twice the money you do, but we've built that up together over the past 15 years, so it's definitely ours, jointly. On a per-person basis, we each have what you have.

Your post got me thinking about how I might feel in your situation, if I were still single. On one hand, I can sympathize. On the other, I don't think you're ready for marriage, or at least not marriage to this current guy.

I think the idea of putting it in a separate trust, without the formal discussion about prenuptial agreements, has some appeal.

What I would find very awkward is for someone to say "I want the 'trappings' (as you call it) of my success, like the million dollar house, and of course, you can live there, but it will obviously by *my* house if we ever separate. That introduces a really weird power dynamic, and I wouldn't put up with it.

Big picture, I think what you might consider is the trust for your million dollars. But every quarter, the earnings that it generates would be both of yours, from here on out, as long as you're both married. So you can put those earnings toward the mortgage on the million dollar house if you want, but the house is both of yours.

If that makes you uncomfortable, just stay a spinster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh here. I'm still in my 30s. DW and I have twice the money you do, but we've built that up together over the past 15 years, so it's definitely ours, jointly. On a per-person basis, we each have what you have.

Your post got me thinking about how I might feel in your situation, if I were still single. On one hand, I can sympathize. On the other, I don't think you're ready for marriage, or at least not marriage to this current guy.

I think the idea of putting it in a separate trust, without the formal discussion about prenuptial agreements, has some appeal.

What I would find very awkward is for someone to say "I want the 'trappings' (as you call it) of my success, like the million dollar house, and of course, you can live there, but it will obviously by *my* house if we ever separate. That introduces a really weird power dynamic, and I wouldn't put up with it.

Big picture, I think what you might consider is the trust for your million dollars. But every quarter, the earnings that it generates would be both of yours, from here on out, as long as you're both married. So you can put those earnings toward the mortgage on the million dollar house if you want, but the house is both of yours.

If that makes you uncomfortable, just stay a spinster.

Is that necessary really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh here. I'm still in my 30s. DW and I have twice the money you do, but we've built that up together over the past 15 years, so it's definitely ours, jointly. On a per-person basis, we each have what you have.

Your post got me thinking about how I might feel in your situation, if I were still single. On one hand, I can sympathize. On the other, I don't think you're ready for marriage, or at least not marriage to this current guy.

I think the idea of putting it in a separate trust, without the formal discussion about prenuptial agreements, has some appeal.

What I would find very awkward is for someone to say "I want the 'trappings' (as you call it) of my success, like the million dollar house, and of course, you can live there, but it will obviously by *my* house if we ever separate. That introduces a really weird power dynamic, and I wouldn't put up with it.

Big picture, I think what you might consider is the trust for your million dollars. But every quarter, the earnings that it generates would be both of yours, from here on out, as long as you're both married. So you can put those earnings toward the mortgage on the million dollar house if you want, but the house is both of yours.

If that makes you uncomfortable, just stay a spinster.

Is that necessary really?

Seriously. The rest of your post was pretty helpful. The spinster comment -- why?

[Anonymous]

So ignore that part. It was meant more as a lighthearted joke.

Consider the rest of it.