Money Worries

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I’m not ready for joint finances and not even really wanting to talk about or use my savings/net worth with a partner, does that mean I’m not ready for marriage?

Long story short – in my 30s now, in a good relationship that we both see moving forward. I’m no heiress and I’m sure dcum will say it’s nothing – but I worked in NYC for 8+ yrs in finance and working those crazy jobs, I have ended up with a net worth around $1m. In DC now making ~170k; if bf and I were a combined household, we’d end up with a ~300-320k HHI. Problem is -- if we married, I’d want the trappings like close in, new construction home in Bethesda etc. It’d take a while to save that type of down payment, yet I also wouldn’t necessarily desire to pony up the down payment myself from my NYC earnings. Same with any big expenditure/savings I think of – I’d do it on my own, but not so sure I’d want to use that money in a marriage. Because while all is good right now (and it’s not like we’re getting engaged tomorrow – so I have time to think about it) – all I can think of is – what if I stupidly put up money for big expenses and for whatever reason the marriage doesn’t work out in the long haul?? It wouldn’t be a matter of – oh I can just remake that money. Those kinds of NYC finance jobs recruit young people and I’ve aged out; and if I could even score one, I don’t have the ability to work 15 hrs a day regularly now the way I did at 26.

Anyone had these thoughts? I feel like guys deal with this ALL the time – and most are able to take the “what’s mine is yours” approach for everything from down payments to 401ks, and I feel like I should feel the same way -- "what's mine is ours" and yet I don't really. And FWIW – I haven’t talked to bf about this and it’s not like I think he’s the kind who’ll start spending my money or anything . . . I just worry that I always end up thinking about this and can’t get over that hump (and it really only applies to big life expenses and big savings (so houses; investment accts; 401ks), I have no problem paying for dinners, concert tix, trips etc. and we both pay for those kinds of things). Am I just not meant to be in a partnership??

This is exactly what prenups are for. Maybe it's more common that someone comes to a marriage with much higher wealth due to family money or inheritance, but why should this be any different? If you put a 20% downpayment on a marital home, in the event of a split, it's not unreasonable to say that you should get a bigger portion of the equity.

Obviously lots of people react differently to the idea of a prenup but I don't honestly see the big deal. If you're not marrying for the money and you trust the marriage to work out, it's a moot point anyway, so I'd sign one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I’m not ready for joint finances and not even really wanting to talk about or use my savings/net worth with a partner, does that mean I’m not ready for marriage?

Long story short – in my 30s now, in a good relationship that we both see moving forward. I’m no heiress and I’m sure dcum will say it’s nothing – but I worked in NYC for 8+ yrs in finance and working those crazy jobs, I have ended up with a net worth around $1m. In DC now making ~170k; if bf and I were a combined household, we’d end up with a ~300-320k HHI. Problem is -- if we married, I’d want the trappings like close in, new construction home in Bethesda etc. It’d take a while to save that type of down payment, yet I also wouldn’t necessarily desire to pony up the down payment myself from my NYC earnings. Same with any big expenditure/savings I think of – I’d do it on my own, but not so sure I’d want to use that money in a marriage. Because while all is good right now (and it’s not like we’re getting engaged tomorrow – so I have time to think about it) – all I can think of is – what if I stupidly put up money for big expenses and for whatever reason the marriage doesn’t work out in the long haul?? It wouldn’t be a matter of – oh I can just remake that money. Those kinds of NYC finance jobs recruit young people and I’ve aged out; and if I could even score one, I don’t have the ability to work 15 hrs a day regularly now the way I did at 26.

Anyone had these thoughts? I feel like guys deal with this ALL the time – and most are able to take the “what’s mine is yours” approach for everything from down payments to 401ks, and I feel like I should feel the same way -- "what's mine is ours" and yet I don't really. And FWIW – I haven’t talked to bf about this and it’s not like I think he’s the kind who’ll start spending my money or anything . . . I just worry that I always end up thinking about this and can’t get over that hump (and it really only applies to big life expenses and big savings (so houses; investment accts; 401ks), I have no problem paying for dinners, concert tix, trips etc. and we both pay for those kinds of things). Am I just not meant to be in a partnership??

This is exactly what prenups are for. Maybe it's more common that someone comes to a marriage with much higher wealth due to family money or inheritance, but why should this be any different? If you put a 20% downpayment on a marital home, in the event of a split, it's not unreasonable to say that you should get a bigger portion of the equity.

Obviously lots of people react differently to the idea of a prenup but I don't honestly see the big deal. If you're not marrying for the money and you trust the marriage to work out, it's a moot point anyway, so I'd sign one.

Agree with you but a lot of guys see self made $$ differently. I have a few friends like this - thinks the woman must share her $$$ immediately so they can live the high life and if she won’t/wants a pre nup, she can just go be a spinster. I mean even the dude above - advice with a take it or leave it/go be a spinster attitude. Family wealth is viewed differently bc the 32 yr old douche can’t stand up as easily and say he is requiring her to go against her parents or grandparents wishes because then there’s a greater chance SHE walks away.

[Anonymous]

I came into marriage with pretty much nothing, so take this with a grain of salt. But I wouldn't have married anyone if I hadn't been 100 percent sure about him. It is totally fine to not get married. It's even fine to live together, have kids together, whatever. But if you don't really think you want to be in complete partnership with him, why marry?

[Anonymous]

I think you can talk to your b/f about it in a general way. See what his thoughts are, generally speaking, about money and assets acquired prior to the marriage. If he's making $130K - $150K he probably has some assets as well although probably not as much as you. I think once you get a feel for how he feels about these things generally you can figure out a path forward.

[Anonymous]

I'm with the man who posted earlier. You really aren't ready to be married to this guy. You may never be comfortable being married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with the man who posted earlier. You really aren't ready to be married to this guy. You may never be comfortable being married.

Woman here. I agree. Then again, I didn't come into marriage with that kind of money and neither did dh. I might have felt differently if I had been in OP's position but - as a pp noted, what's a bit troubling is that OP wants to have the nice house with all the trappings but doesn't want to share ownership of it. That's not a good foundation for a marriage. Either live within your current means and put the extra in a trust or buy the house and share ownership. But maybe you're just not ready to marry this guy, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP - Why not just buy the house now? Pay in full with cash since you have it. It will be in your name, pre-marital asset, etc. Use shared income to furnish the house, upkeep and maintenance.

In case of a divorce DH won't have a claim on it.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a reasonable way to think, especially for a woman in OP's position. Unlike other sorts of careers, OP's salary peaked in her 20s and then went down for her 30s and beyond. She's looking at even MORE of a financial hit if she marries and has a kid or 2. So she's in the odd position of having earned her nest egg in her 20s, and needing to protect it in her 30s and 40s.

But there's no reason to be all or nothing. First of all, ascertain whether the money is separate property, or part of the marital properties. Talk to a lawyer about whether you even need a prenup. Maybe you don't.

Second of all, realize that NOT spending that money on a house likely means you won't get the house you want. I don't think it's really tenable for you to buy your own house in a marriage with kids. It has to be joint. So that means you either contribute SOME money to the down payment; or you wait awhile longer to save up for the house jointly.
You also have to trade off money, time, and getting the exact house you want.

Third, empathize with your partner. How would you feel if the tables were turned?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - Why not just buy the house now? Pay in full with cash since you have it. It will be in your name, pre-marital asset, etc. Use shared income to furnish the house, upkeep and maintenance.

In case of a divorce DH won't have a claim on it.

This is what I’d do. A house is the biggest asset - once you lock that up and make sure it’s yours, there’s less to worry about.

[Anonymous]

^^I wouldn't get married under those circumstances....what woman or man would agree to marry and not be on the deed of the house they live in??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^I wouldn't get married under those circumstances....what woman or man would agree to marry and not be on the deed of the house they live in??

They don't have to live in that house. They could live in her house for a bit and buy their "forever" home. Meanwhile, she rents out her house and it's still hers.

[Anonymous]

Why not just buy the house now and shack up? Make him sign a lease and pay you rent. Draw up legal documents to give each other the benefits you are comfortable with (medical POA? beneficiaries?).

Wear rings and call yourselves married. If you have kids, raise them together, but only put your name on the birth certificate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^I wouldn't get married under those circumstances....what woman or man would agree to marry and not be on the deed of the house they live in??

They don't have to live in that house. They could live in her house for a bit and buy their "forever" home. Meanwhile, she rents out her house and it's still hers.

Actually, buy the house now. Live in it until your joint income is good enough to buy the forever home. Once your house is rented, let the rent go directly into your kids' 529s. Essentially, your house is yours forever and income from the house goes towards your kids' college. No man with common sense would mind that. Hell, if it was me, I'd be happy to have a free house to live in. No mortgage, woo-hoo!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - Why not just buy the house now? Pay in full with cash since you have it. It will be in your name, pre-marital asset, etc. Use shared income to furnish the house, upkeep and maintenance.

In case of a divorce DH won't have a claim on it.

This is what you should do. Buy yourself a house. It is yours.

[Anonymous]

I keep my premarital money in a separate account. Only I have access to it. I may use part of my premarital money to buy a house, but only if my husband puts down an equal amount from his premarital money.