Adopting after having one biological

[Anonymous]

Before we had our first (biologically) we were in the adoption process. Now after having a bio kid, I have more concerns about adopting that I didn't really have the first time. Your insight would be helpful:
1. Adopting internationally: I'm concerned about how an child of a different race might feel in an all white (and very fair) family.
2. Adopting domestically: I struggle with the idea of an open adoption. Yes, I know that studies show it's better for child. We just aren't totally comfortable with it.
3. Will I feel differently about my adopted child than my biological? I fear that I'd be closer to my bio child.

* I think these are valid concerns and would appreciate any thoughtful responses. I haven't been on this thread in years but seem to recall that since it's anonymous there can often be snarky or nasty comments. Please try to refrain ?
Thanks

[Anonymous]

Probably not helpful, but I love the story of the women's Olympian hockey players, where they are sisters but play for different countries because one was born in Korea. She wears her original name on her jersey in the hopes her biological mother will see it.

[Anonymous]

Those are only answers you can decide. Will you love the child the same - hard to say. Some parents do, some don't, but the same goes for biological kids.

With social media, its very hard to keep things private. We have open on one side and closed on another. Its been very good for the open side and horrible with the other side which is why its closed now. If you are not comfortable, do not do one.

International or domestic, race is something to consider. Getting a white child is possible but hard. You also need to be open to SN.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before we had our first (biologically) we were in the adoption process. Now after having a bio kid, I have more concerns about adopting that I didn't really have the first time. Your insight would be helpful:
1. Adopting internationally: I'm concerned about how an child of a different race might feel in an all white (and very fair) family.
2. Adopting domestically: I struggle with the idea of an open adoption. Yes, I know that studies show it's better for child. We just aren't totally comfortable with it.
3. Will I feel differently about my adopted child than my biological? I fear that I'd be closer to my bio child.

* I think these are valid concerns and would appreciate any thoughtful responses. I haven't been on this thread in years but seem to recall that since it's anonymous there can often be snarky or nasty comments. Please try to refrain ?
Thanks

I don't know the answers to 1 or 3, but as an adoptive mom, I can talk a little about the open adoption piece. For us, open adoption just means letters/pictures once a year (used to be more often, but starting elem school it's once a year). I know the name of my children's bio moms and as my kids get older and start to ask questions I'm so glad that we have the ability to help them search for their bio families if they decide to go that route. It's cruel to the kids for the adoption to be completely closed and you have to put your own fears aside and do what's best for your kids (as in every situation, not just this one). I urge you to be less afraid of the open adoption if you move forward.

[Anonymous]

I have a biological child who is older and my younger is adopted.

These are thoughtful questions and I would encourage you to contact an adoption agency and talk it through with an adoption social worker. They will not judge you - on the contrary they will praise you for taking the process seriously and help you think through what will work for your family. They have seen so many more situations than I have - so they could address your concerns more fully.

Our adopted child is the same race as us and it does make life easier. If you adopt a child of a different race it is called a "conspicuous adoption" - here is a course you can take to learn more - http://www.adoptionlearningpartners.org/catalog/courses/conspicuous-families.cfm

There is no right or wrong - there is just what will work for your family.

We are in a semi-open adoption. We exchange letters and photos through the agency. All of our contact has been amazing. The birth mom writes us about once a year to say how much she loves the photos and how proud she is of how we are raising our child. Everyone in an adoption has a different story to tell.

We adore our adopted child. We have zero regrets. I wish you all the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those are only answers you can decide. Will you love the child the same - hard to say. Some parents do, some don't, but the same goes for biological kids.

With social media, its very hard to keep things private. We have open on one side and closed on another. Its been very good for the open side and horrible with the other side which is why its closed now. If you are not comfortable, do not do one.

International or domestic, race is something to consider. Getting a white child is possible but hard. You also need to be open to SN.

Thank you. Can you explain what's been difficult about the second? You changed the terms from open to now closed?

* also what does SN stand for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a biological child who is older and my younger is adopted.

These are thoughtful questions and I would encourage you to contact an adoption agency and talk it through with an adoption social worker. They will not judge you - on the contrary they will praise you for taking the process seriously and help you think through what will work for your family. They have seen so many more situations than I have - so they could address your concerns more fully.

Our adopted child is the same race as us and it does make life easier. If you adopt a child of a different race it is called a "conspicuous adoption" - here is a course you can take to learn more - http://www.adoptionlearningpartners.org/catalog/courses/conspicuous-families.cfm

There is no right or wrong - there is just what will work for your family.

We are in a semi-open adoption. We exchange letters and photos through the agency. All of our contact has been amazing. The birth mom writes us about once a year to say how much she loves the photos and how proud she is of how we are raising our child. Everyone in an adoption has a different story to tell.

We adore our adopted child. We have zero regrets. I wish you all the best.

Thank you for the thoughtful response! So do you have a say in how "open" it is?

[Anonymous]

We adopted domestically (unplanned) after having a biological child. We are "open" on our end but neither parent has been interested in having anything to do with her. In all honesty we have stopped reaching out, though they both know how to contact us.

I do love the adopted one as much as the biological one. That's kind of the whole point of maternity leave after adopting - time to bond, time to settle into a family routine, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a biological child who is older and my younger is adopted.

These are thoughtful questions and I would encourage you to contact an adoption agency and talk it through with an adoption social worker. They will not judge you - on the contrary they will praise you for taking the process seriously and help you think through what will work for your family. They have seen so many more situations than I have - so they could address your concerns more fully.

Our adopted child is the same race as us and it does make life easier. If you adopt a child of a different race it is called a "conspicuous adoption" - here is a course you can take to learn more - http://www.adoptionlearningpartners.org/catalog/courses/conspicuous-families.cfm

There is no right or wrong - there is just what will work for your family.

We are in a semi-open adoption. We exchange letters and photos through the agency. All of our contact has been amazing. The birth mom writes us about once a year to say how much she loves the photos and how proud she is of how we are raising our child. Everyone in an adoption has a different story to tell.

We adore our adopted child. We have zero regrets. I wish you all the best.

Openness is agreed upon between the adoptive parents and the birth family. You figure out a plan together. The adoptive social worker is there to help you figure this out.

SN stands for special needs.

Another really good book we read during the home study was Raising Adopted Children. It addresses a lot of the beliefs people have about adoption and breaks down why they are true or not true. For example, you will hear adopted children are more likely to end up in therapy. The book indicates this is true - but probably has more to do with adoptive parents having contact with social workers during the adoption process and developing a belief that reaching our for help is good - and does not necessarily mean adopted children have more issues.

Thank you for the thoughtful response! So do you have a say in how "open" it is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a biological child who is older and my younger is adopted.

These are thoughtful questions and I would encourage you to contact an adoption agency and talk it through with an adoption social worker. They will not judge you - on the contrary they will praise you for taking the process seriously and help you think through what will work for your family. They have seen so many more situations than I have - so they could address your concerns more fully.

Our adopted child is the same race as us and it does make life easier. If you adopt a child of a different race it is called a "conspicuous adoption" - here is a course you can take to learn more - http://www.adoptionlearningpartners.org/catalog/courses/conspicuous-families.cfm

There is no right or wrong - there is just what will work for your family.

We are in a semi-open adoption. We exchange letters and photos through the agency. All of our contact has been amazing. The birth mom writes us about once a year to say how much she loves the photos and how proud she is of how we are raising our child. Everyone in an adoption has a different story to tell.

We adore our adopted child. We have zero regrets. I wish you all the best.

Openness is agreed upon between the adoptive parents and the birth family. You figure out a plan together. The adoptive social worker is there to help you figure this out.

SN stands for special needs.

Another really good book we read during the home study was Raising Adopted Children. It addresses a lot of the beliefs people have about adoption and breaks down why they are true or not true. For example, you will hear adopted children are more likely to end up in therapy. The book indicates this is true - but probably has more to do with adoptive parents having contact with social workers during the adoption process and developing a belief that reaching our for help is good - and does not necessarily mean adopted children have more issues.

[Anonymous]

Apparently I can't use the quote function effectively - but feel free to ask me any other questions you have

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before we had our first (biologically) we were in the adoption process. Now after having a bio kid, I have more concerns about adopting that I didn't really have the first time. Your insight would be helpful:
1. Adopting internationally: I'm concerned about how an child of a different race might feel in an all white (and very fair) family.
2. Adopting domestically: I struggle with the idea of an open adoption. Yes, I know that studies show it's better for child. We just aren't totally comfortable with it.
3. Will I feel differently about my adopted child than my biological? I fear that I'd be closer to my bio child.

* I think these are valid concerns and would appreciate any thoughtful responses. I haven't been on this thread in years but seem to recall that since it's anonymous there can often be snarky or nasty comments. Please try to refrain ?
Thanks

I can answer some questions. I'm an adult adoptee (transracial, international) who was adopted into a white family. I didn't have any siblings who were biological to my parents, but we definitely were a conspicuous family. Lots of questions came our way- some genuinely curious and some plain old hurtful. You have to remember that your child will always be viewed as a minority and will therefore be subjected to the racism and prejudice just like any other non-adopted minority.

My white husband and I also adopted a child from the same country from which I was adopted, and we have a biological child. So in my family, we're transracial, interracial, and international all in one! My circumstances may well be different than yours because we adopted first and then had the bio kid. I love my children equally. It's hard to verbalize, but it's true.

I must confess that after a lifetime of being conspicuous, I'm enjoying the relative anonymity afforded by being the same race/ethnicity as my children.

I think you're asking hard, honest questions. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before we had our first (biologically) we were in the adoption process. Now after having a bio kid, I have more concerns about adopting that I didn't really have the first time. Your insight would be helpful:
1. Adopting internationally: I'm concerned about how an child of a different race might feel in an all white (and very fair) family.
2. Adopting domestically: I struggle with the idea of an open adoption. Yes, I know that studies show it's better for child. We just aren't totally comfortable with it.
3. Will I feel differently about my adopted child than my biological? I fear that I'd be closer to my bio child.

* I think these are valid concerns and would appreciate any thoughtful responses. I haven't been on this thread in years but seem to recall that since it's anonymous there can often be snarky or nasty comments. Please try to refrain ?
Thanks

I can answer some questions. I'm an adult adoptee (transracial, international) who was adopted into a white family. I didn't have any siblings who were biological to my parents, but we definitely were a conspicuous family. Lots of questions came our way- some genuinely curious and some plain old hurtful. You have to remember that your child will always be viewed as a minority and will therefore be subjected to the racism and prejudice just like any other non-adopted minority.

My white husband and I also adopted a child from the same country from which I was adopted, and we have a biological child. So in my family, we're transracial, interracial, and international all in one! My circumstances may well be different than yours because we adopted first and then had the bio kid. I love my children equally. It's hard to verbalize, but it's true.

I must confess that after a lifetime of being conspicuous, I'm enjoying the relative anonymity afforded by being the same race/ethnicity as my children.

I think you're asking hard, honest questions. Good luck!

Thank you for your response! Did you ever seek out your bio parents? If so was that a difficult process since you were adopted from another country? I wouldnt be as concerned except that the three of us all look very similar. (When we were in the adoption process years earlier we were going to adopt from Korea).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those are only answers you can decide. Will you love the child the same - hard to say. Some parents do, some don't, but the same goes for biological kids.

With social media, its very hard to keep things private. We have open on one side and closed on another. Its been very good for the open side and horrible with the other side which is why its closed now. If you are not comfortable, do not do one.

International or domestic, race is something to consider. Getting a white child is possible but hard. You also need to be open to SN.

Thank you. Can you explain what's been difficult about the second? You changed the terms from open to now closed?

* also what does SN stand for?

Special needs - some/majority of birthparents do not disclose truthfully or may not know family history so you could end up with a variety of special needs.

We technically did not change it. They stopped contacting us and we stopped reaching out. It was pretty bad, lets leave it at that.

[Anonymous]

I'm a parent through adoption. International, so very little birth family contact. No bio kids, so cannot speak to the issue of whether you could feel differently. I will observe though, that I think that some different dynamics are at play when deciding to adopt when you already have a bio child.
I do not think that it is especially fair to a biological child to adopt a child with substantial SN, either physical or emotional. It is one thing to have those challenges come organically with another bio child, it is another thing to affirmatively seek them out.