Adopting after having one biological

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before we had our first (biologically) we were in the adoption process. Now after having a bio kid, I have more concerns about adopting that I didn't really have the first time. Your insight would be helpful:
1. Adopting internationally: I'm concerned about how an child of a different race might feel in an all white (and very fair) family.
2. Adopting domestically: I struggle with the idea of an open adoption. Yes, I know that studies show it's better for child. We just aren't totally comfortable with it.
3. Will I feel differently about my adopted child than my biological? I fear that I'd be closer to my bio child.

* I think these are valid concerns and would appreciate any thoughtful responses. I haven't been on this thread in years but seem to recall that since it's anonymous there can often be snarky or nasty comments. Please try to refrain ?
Thanks

I can answer some questions. I'm an adult adoptee (transracial, international) who was adopted into a white family. I didn't have any siblings who were biological to my parents, but we definitely were a conspicuous family. Lots of questions came our way- some genuinely curious and some plain old hurtful. You have to remember that your child will always be viewed as a minority and will therefore be subjected to the racism and prejudice just like any other non-adopted minority.

My white husband and I also adopted a child from the same country from which I was adopted, and we have a biological child. So in my family, we're transracial, interracial, and international all in one! My circumstances may well be different than yours because we adopted first and then had the bio kid. I love my children equally. It's hard to verbalize, but it's true.

I must confess that after a lifetime of being conspicuous, I'm enjoying the relative anonymity afforded by being the same race/ethnicity as my children.

I think you're asking hard, honest questions. Good luck!

Thank you for your response! Did you ever seek out your bio parents? If so was that a difficult process since you were adopted from another country? I wouldnt be as concerned except that the three of us all look very similar. (When we were in the adoption process years earlier we were going to adopt from Korea).

PP here. I'm actually Korean myself!

Yes, I did find my birth family, almost by accident. My parents were never given any information so I never contemplated it all my life. When I adopted my child, we used the same American and Korean agencies my parents had used and it turned out that the Korean agency actually had quite a bit of info on my birth family, including full names of both birth parents. It's a long story, but yes, I did find them. We are in occasional communication, mostly via FB. They didn't replace my adoptive parents in any way- they feel more like distant second cousins twice removed. I know the Korean adoption process has changed since we adopted our child, and there may be more identifying information in the files. Some adoptees have no desire to find their birth families, while others strongly do. My own child has no inclination whatsoever to do so at this point.

My kids actually look enough alike that people often ask if they're twins. We don't have the situation you would with "one of these is not like the others."

[Anonymous]

We did this: bio child and then different race (internationally adopted) child.

We love both kids equally-- and so does the extended family. ZERO preference is given to one child over the other except for one person in the family may "bond" more than one or the other over a shared interest or such. In different phases one or other of them have been easier to relate to or easier to be around or easier to raise-- but it changes as they go through different stages of development and growth.

Our adopted child could not look more different from us or BE more different from us in many ways (natural abilities, base personality)........ and it is AWESOME!!!! It's so great to be exposed to new things and such through our adopted child's birth heritage/different interests/different talents.

There were phases when there was a lot of questions and we still get the occasional awkward moment where someone is "confused" that our DC is really "ours"..... but we take it all in stride and joke that you can tell DC is not our bio child because they have XXXX talents which definitely did not come from our gene pools

Bio child and adopted child are fairly close in age and are VERY close and have been "best friends" almost from the first time they met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We did this: bio child and then different race (internationally adopted) child.

We love both kids equally-- and so does the extended family. ZERO preference is given to one child over the other except for one person in the family may "bond" more than one or the other over a shared interest or such. In different phases one or other of them have been easier to relate to or easier to be around or easier to raise-- but it changes as they go through different stages of development and growth.

Our adopted child could not look more different from us or BE more different from us in many ways (natural abilities, base personality)........ and it is AWESOME!!!! It's so great to be exposed to new things and such through our adopted child's birth heritage/different interests/different talents.

There were phases when there was a lot of questions and we still get the occasional awkward moment where someone is "confused" that our DC is really "ours"..... but we take it all in stride and joke that you can tell DC is not our bio child because they have XXXX talents which definitely did not come from our gene pools

Bio child and adopted child are fairly close in age and are VERY close and have been "best friends" almost from the first time they met.

This is so great to hear!! You haven't been too concerned about your adopted child feeling too different (from you all)? Can I ask where you adopted and what the age difference is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before we had our first (biologically) we were in the adoption process. Now after having a bio kid, I have more concerns about adopting that I didn't really have the first time. Your insight would be helpful:
1. Adopting internationally: I'm concerned about how an child of a different race might feel in an all white (and very fair) family.
2. Adopting domestically: I struggle with the idea of an open adoption. Yes, I know that studies show it's better for child. We just aren't totally comfortable with it.
3. Will I feel differently about my adopted child than my biological? I fear that I'd be closer to my bio child.

* I think these are valid concerns and would appreciate any thoughtful responses. I haven't been on this thread in years but seem to recall that since it's anonymous there can often be snarky or nasty comments. Please try to refrain ?
Thanks

I can answer some questions. I'm an adult adoptee (transracial, international) who was adopted into a white family. I didn't have any siblings who were biological to my parents, but we definitely were a conspicuous family. Lots of questions came our way- some genuinely curious and some plain old hurtful. You have to remember that your child will always be viewed as a minority and will therefore be subjected to the racism and prejudice just like any other non-adopted minority.

My white husband and I also adopted a child from the same country from which I was adopted, and we have a biological child. So in my family, we're transracial, interracial, and international all in one! My circumstances may well be different than yours because we adopted first and then had the bio kid. I love my children equally. It's hard to verbalize, but it's true.

I must confess that after a lifetime of being conspicuous, I'm enjoying the relative anonymity afforded by being the same race/ethnicity as my children.

I think you're asking hard, honest questions. Good luck!

Thank you for your response! Did you ever seek out your bio parents? If so was that a difficult process since you were adopted from another country? I wouldnt be as concerned except that the three of us all look very similar. (When we were in the adoption process years earlier we were going to adopt from Korea).

PP here. I'm actually Korean myself!

Yes, I did find my birth family, almost by accident. My parents were never given any information so I never contemplated it all my life. When I adopted my child, we used the same American and Korean agencies my parents had used and it turned out that the Korean agency actually had quite a bit of info on my birth family, including full names of both birth parents. It's a long story, but yes, I did find them. We are in occasional communication, mostly via FB. They didn't replace my adoptive parents in any way- they feel more like distant second cousins twice removed. I know the Korean adoption process has changed since we adopted our child, and there may be more identifying information in the files. Some adoptees have no desire to find their birth families, while others strongly do. My own child has no inclination whatsoever to do so at this point.

My kids actually look enough alike that people often ask if they're twins. We don't have the situation you would with "one of these is not like the others."

It's really come full circle for you then-- thanks for sharing your story. How long ago did you adopt?

[Anonymous]

We never ever intended to adopt but have discussed it, purely hypothetically/philosophically.

I think I'd be mostly ok with it. My DH, on the other hand, would be staunchly opposed. His thought is that if you had a child who was difficult or had persistent negative traits -- as realistically, all children do in one way or another as they're only human, right? -- it would be harder to like a child that is not biologically his own, because he would view those traits as more removed and less of his or my own making/origin. While I don't know that I am in the same camp with this, I get it, and I think it's something to consider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We never ever intended to adopt but have discussed it, purely hypothetically/philosophically.

I think I'd be mostly ok with it. My DH, on the other hand, would be staunchly opposed. His thought is that if you had a child who was difficult or had persistent negative traits -- as realistically, all children do in one way or another as they're only human, right? -- it would be harder to like a child that is not biologically his own, because he would view those traits as more removed and less of his or my own making/origin. While I don't know that I am in the same camp with this, I get it, and I think it's something to consider.

Interesting thought process. What if the child were wildly successful at something- would he also assign credit to the birth parents?

[Anonymous]

I see this over and over again on DCUM - the fear that you will not be able to love a child who does not share your genetics - and I have to say I just don’t get it. Before there was formula, if a woman could not breastfeed or a mother died - another woman took the baby in and breastfed her. This works because we were meant to take care of each other. We are biologically meant to provide for each other. Love doesn’t need perfect circumsatances to flourish. It can flourish is so many settings and ways. Adoption is just one of those.


- adoptive and bio mom

[Anonymous]

Hi! I'm a divorced, single mom of a beautiful adopted daughter. My ex and I adopted her from China in 2006 when she was 11 months old. She is now 12 years old. We are white and our small, rural town is probably 99% white. She has friends here of all colors, some adopted, some not. She's had a few questions about her eyes and her "real" mom but for the most part, no issues. She does keep in touch with other girls from our adoption group - we traveled in a group of 16 families and she keeps in touch by group text with about 6 other girls. Her dad remarried and they have a 3 year old girl. My daughter was THRILLED because she always wanted a sister, but being a preteen now, her little sister gets on her nerves and "gets her in trouble" at her dad's. She adores her though, they face time and get together more than the biweekly visits. I believe her stepmom may favor the baby, and it shows, but I honestly feel that's just because she's her "baby." We have talked about it. My daughter has never been treated differently on either side of the family. I would say all grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. love all the children equally. If I was ever blessed with another child, bio, adopted, step, I am sure my heart would only grow to love more! I can't imagine feeling differently about any of them. If you want to parent another child and expand your family, I would say go for it! Your concerns are understandable, but children are such blessings! I wish you and your family well!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see this over and over again on DCUM - the fear that you will not be able to love a child who does not share your genetics - and I have to say I just don’t get it. Before there was formula, if a woman could not breastfeed or a mother died - another woman took the baby in and breastfed her. This works because we were meant to take care of each other. We are biologically meant to provide for each other. Love doesn’t need perfect circumsatances to flourish. It can flourish is so many settings and ways. Adoption is just one of those.


- adoptive and bio mom

Almost true. My husband loves our child much more than his biological kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We never ever intended to adopt but have discussed it, purely hypothetically/philosophically.

I think I'd be mostly ok with it. My DH, on the other hand, would be staunchly opposed. His thought is that if you had a child who was difficult or had persistent negative traits -- as realistically, all children do in one way or another as they're only human, right? -- it would be harder to like a child that is not biologically his own, because he would view those traits as more removed and less of his or my own making/origin. While I don't know that I am in the same camp with this, I get it, and I think it's something to consider.

Interesting thought process. What if the child were wildly successful at something- would he also assign credit to the birth parents?

There are things that are nature, nurture and unique to the child. What's wrong with knowing it came from his birth family? We credit things to our child's birth family and are grateful for those traits. There are other thing that are clearly us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those are only answers you can decide. Will you love the child the same - hard to say. Some parents do, some don't, but the same goes for biological kids.

With social media, its very hard to keep things private. We have open on one side and closed on another. Its been very good for the open side and horrible with the other side which is why its closed now. If you are not comfortable, do not do one.

International or domestic, race is something to consider. Getting a white child is possible but hard. You also need to be open to SN.

Thank you. Can you explain what's been difficult about the second? You changed the terms from open to now closed?

* also what does SN stand for?

Special needs - some/majority of birthparents do not disclose truthfully or may not know family history so you could end up with a variety of special needs.

We technically did not change it. They stopped contacting us and we stopped reaching out. It was pretty bad, lets leave it at that.

Not to belabor the point but could you expand on why it was bad?

Did they disagree with your parenting decisions? Was it an issue of rejecting a LGBT child? This type of situation is why many people worry about open adoptions. Real life examples are so helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We never ever intended to adopt but have discussed it, purely hypothetically/philosophically.

I think I'd be mostly ok with it. My DH, on the other hand, would be staunchly opposed. His thought is that if you had a child who was difficult or had persistent negative traits -- as realistically, all children do in one way or another as they're only human, right? -- it would be harder to like a child that is not biologically his own, because he would view those traits as more removed and less of his or my own making/origin. While I don't know that I am in the same camp with this, I get it, and I think it's something to consider.

Interesting thought process. What if the child were wildly successful at something- would he also assign credit to the birth parents?

There are things that are nature, nurture and unique to the child. What's wrong with knowing it came from his birth family? We credit things to our child's birth family and are grateful for those traits. There are other thing that are clearly us.

PP here. Nothing is wrong with knowing something came from one’s birth family. What I’m trying to get at is if PP’s husband thinks negative traits come from a birth family, would he also think positive traits come from the birth family too or would he credit his own parenting for those.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see this over and over again on DCUM - the fear that you will not be able to love a child who does not share your genetics - and I have to say I just don’t get it. Before there was formula, if a woman could not breastfeed or a mother died - another woman took the baby in and breastfed her. This works because we were meant to take care of each other. We are biologically meant to provide for each other. Love doesn’t need perfect circumsatances to flourish. It can flourish is so many settings and ways. Adoption is just one of those.


- adoptive and bio mom

Almost true. My husband loves our child much more than his biological kids.

Leave it to DCUM to ruin a beautiful thought

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those are only answers you can decide. Will you love the child the same - hard to say. Some parents do, some don't, but the same goes for biological kids.

With social media, its very hard to keep things private. We have open on one side and closed on another. Its been very good for the open side and horrible with the other side which is why its closed now. If you are not comfortable, do not do one.

International or domestic, race is something to consider. Getting a white child is possible but hard. You also need to be open to SN.

Thank you. Can you explain what's been difficult about the second? You changed the terms from open to now closed?

* also what does SN stand for?

Special needs - some/majority of birthparents do not disclose truthfully or may not know family history so you could end up with a variety of special needs.

We technically did not change it. They stopped contacting us and we stopped reaching out. It was pretty bad, lets leave it at that.

Not to belabor the point but could you expand on why it was bad?

Did they disagree with your parenting decisions? Was it an issue of rejecting a LGBT child? This type of situation is why many people worry about open adoptions. Real life examples are so helpful.

None of that. No, I cannot go onto more details.

[Anonymous]

Op here:
Thank you to those who shared their stories and gave thoughtful responses. This certainly helps me with the thought (and heart) process.