How to get DH to open up sexually?

[Anonymous]

I've been struggling more and more with an issue in my marriage related to intimacy. I'm going to keep this non-explicit, as it is more about the relationship and less about sexual details. We've been married for ten years and have an adequate sex life in terms of frequency (usually 1-2 times a week) and physical satisfaction. This has gone through normal periods of waning due to having babies, sickness, etc. but has always bounced back. However, I just feel like there is a lack of passion and intimacy - meaning, things feel good and work well when we're actually in the act, but there is not much sexuality between us outside of the bedroom. I would love a suggestive whisper or text, positive comment on my appearance or body, etc. to stoke the fire, so to speak. Basically, I want to feel desired. We essentially have our routine - sex is almost exclusively on the weekends, after we hang out together after the kids are in bed, drink wine, order take out. It's just assumed it will happen, and sometimes we're tired and it's getting late so it almost feels like duty sex or just keeping things going. I would love greater frequency, more spontaneity, actually being pursued or feeling desirable in some way. Half the time I go upstairs to change for bed and he's fallen asleep on the couch, so I have to wake him up for us to have sex. It's really just quite frankly a turn off for me. I would love for him to be a bit more aggressive and dominant sexually (not in a weird S&M way), and just show a little more passion for me all around. I think he is very guarded and kind of shy about sexuality in general - we do have good sex but it's usually the same basic foreplay routine, one or two out of a handful of positions, and done. We both end up satisfied, but I would love to mix things up a bit. Nothing crazy, just trying something new every once in a while. He never talks about sex and has been very closed off when I've tried to get him to discuss fantasies, etc. We have never explored sexting, talking dirty, or anything of that nature, and I can't imagine he would be comfortable with any of that. We have never even showered together, and he doesn't seem interested.

Otherwise, our relationship is very good, we are great partners and I honestly love him very much. He's a wonderful husband and father, and we are both still physically attracted to each other. I'm just desperate for more intensity and passion in the sexual part of our relationship. I'm in my mid-thirties, we're done having kids, and I'm realizing I want to enjoy what's left of my prime years of sexuality with the man I love the most. I do find myself fantasizing about other men I see out in the world occasionally, which I have rarely done in the past, and I think it's due to the lack I'm feeling in our sex life. These are simply fantasies - I would never, ever go outside my marriage. I just have no idea how to discuss all this with DH in a way that won't hurt him or make him feel defensive or inadequate. Plus I feel kind of embarrassed to disucuss it myself. I don't know how to start the conversation. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Here's a suggestion. Talk to him.

[Anonymous]

Take the lead with more physical contact. What do you do when you first see each other in the evening after work? Or in the morning in the kitchen? My DH is not the hand holding type -and I am - but over the years I've "trained" him (LOL!) to be physically affectionate so that when we pass closely he often makes contact in a very sweet and endearing way. He knows that I love physical contact and now he does it a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's a suggestion. Talk to him.

Omg - who can read that huge long essay?? Are you sure you aren’t driving him insane with all that?

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you pursue him? You send the dirty text message. You put on lingerie. You slap his butt when he walks by. You play the porn on tv. You compliment his looks.

[Anonymous]

Start suggesting that you might cheat.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. No solutions but I have the exact same problem. I have talked to DH and he tried for two days but then it went back to normal. The "touch him the way you want to be touched" theory hasn't worked out, for me. I always initiate and he has complained when I was coy about initiating -- "Let's go to bed" instead of "Let's have sex now." I don't know, I'm stuck.

[Anonymous]

What does he say when you discuss this with him? I actually have some good advice, but it could be a waste typing it all out depending on how he's reacted.

If you haven't talked to him, that's your first and only step right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's a suggestion. Talk to him.

Omg - who can read that huge long essay?? Are you sure you aren’t driving him insane with all that?

+1

I can't read it all. OP, can you summarize in three sentences or so?

[Anonymous]

Massages. Sexy lingerie. Initiate on the couch before you go to bed. Does he work out? That increases testosterone.

Oh, and learn to make paragraphs.

[Anonymous]

My husband is a bit like this. I just take extra time to hit on him and he generally reciprocates.

[Anonymous]

Exact same situation here, though we have showered together ages ago . Every once in awhile I drink enough to shake things up, which I think he seems to have appreciated, but I have a hard time doing that sober (largely because of the lack of obvious encouragement -I feel a bit of a fool) and don’t really like drinking that much.

I’ve certainly tried talking to him about it, but he is so closed off and uncomfortable those conversations go nowhere. It’s very frustrating. For us, it’s mostly a communications issue - he’s really bad at opening up about anything. Every few months we have the same (one sided) conversation about how I’m feeling and he try’s a bit for a while. I kind of knew what I was getting into when I married, and he has many other good qualities, but it’s still a downer.

Also interested in advice if anyone has it. Reading the 5 Love Languages book helped me a bit long ago to better appreciate the ways he demonstrates his love (no sexy comments, but he goes out of his way to do things to make my life easier). Occasional weekends away together also do us well - he doesn’t push for these, but once we’re alone in a hotel somewhere, the sex does gets better.

[Anonymous]

Apparently, we have a few on here with short attention spans.

[Anonymous]

TL,DR: Wife is frustrated by her husband’s lack of interest and initiating.

[Anonymous]

Train him. When he does something you like, give him very clear reinforcement. When the reinforcement is clearly established and he starts to seek it out, make it more intermittent and make him have to do more of what you like to get it.