How to get DH to open up sexually?

[Anonymous]

As others have said try initiating a little and see where it goes. Get his motor running, if you tease him a little get him worked up in a couple days he won't be able to keep his hands off you. If that doesn't work, sorry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You’re asking to much. He sounds sweet! Most women would love any intimacy at all after a quiet evening at home. Life isn’t a romance novel. Be grateful you have a faithful sweet guy and great dad with a decent sec life. Men don’t respond to talking more than once or twice so just drop that. Look hot and be enthusiastic about sex whenever the time is right.
I never initiate with my DH for what it’s worth, I prefer when he’s the tiger, so maybe cut back on that. It can be emasculating if it’s persistent.

Not OP but the issue it seems is that her DH does not initiate. She would also prefer him to be the tiger.

OP, I'm in a similar boat. I just think DH is wired differently, sexually, and more closed off/prudish. We've discussed it and he's admitted it but it hasn't fundamentally changed things. One thing is that I've stopped expecting him to do a lot of that stuff. I take things into my own hands, so to speak. I wish there were more passion, but there is at least satisfaction.

My point is cutting back on initiating might make him more of a tiger. If it’s just not there for him then that’s another story all together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You’re asking to much. He sounds sweet! Most women would love any intimacy at all after a quiet evening at home. Life isn’t a romance novel. Be grateful you have a faithful sweet guy and great dad with a decent sec life. Men don’t respond to talking more than once or twice so just drop that. Look hot and be enthusiastic about sex whenever the time is right.
I never initiate with my DH for what it’s worth, I prefer when he’s the tiger, so maybe cut back on that. It can be emasculating if it’s persistent.

Not OP but the issue it seems is that her DH does not initiate. She would also prefer him to be the tiger.

OP, I'm in a similar boat. I just think DH is wired differently, sexually, and more closed off/prudish. We've discussed it and he's admitted it but it hasn't fundamentally changed things. One thing is that I've stopped expecting him to do a lot of that stuff. I take things into my own hands, so to speak. I wish there were more passion, but there is at least satisfaction.

My point is cutting back on initiating might make him more of a tiger. If it’s just not there for him then that’s another story all together.

Initiation isn't really an on/off switch. She needs to flirt in a way that provokes a strong initiation. And, it probably has to start with flirtation that provokes a weak initiation and then building on that.

[Anonymous]

I hear you on this one. I am in a similar situation. My husband says it's a low testosterone issue for him, not exercising and eating right also affects his libido. Maybe your husband is struggling with those issues, too? A couple people here have criticized you for being too lengthy with your post but I disagree. You poured out your heart and that takes guts...even if anonymously. Sometimes we just gotta vent. I would encourage you to try and talk to your husband about these issues. The longer things go unsaid the crazier it will make you and that can lead to something you don't want to find yourself involved with (it happens and usually unexpectedly). If you and your husband can't talk about this together on your own then try seeing a counselor...together or just you if he won't go for now. Don't try to figure this out on your own, with your girlfriends or on here...there's too much at stake. I will pray for you and your husband.

[Anonymous]

Op you married a predictable drone who doesn't color outside the lines and now that you've checked off all the boxes on your little life plan you're getting.bored of him. But of course that's his fault, not yours. I'll bet he's totally under your.control and doesn't make a move without your permission. Try putting on some red.lipstick and.giving him a wet.sloppy blowjob and swallow every drop. And do it like you enjoy it. This shit isn't rocket science hun. Sound s like you want to justify having am affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Text him an unsolicited photo of your boobs, or your butt, or legs if that's what he likes. Send with no message, or just a brief flirty message like, we miss you. Or, can't wait until tonight or...whatever. This shouldn't be difficult. Men are visual creatures.

This is so unbelievably desperate. If you’re already initiating and then sexting on top of that, you’re basically having a sexual relationship with yourself.

Desperate? Really? Most of us would call that, fun and sexy. So you would never text your H a sexy selfie? I'd call that, boring as F. You must be a lot of fun.

[Anonymous]

Next time you’re watching tv on the couch and drinking your wine, undo his pants and start rubbing. Move on to your mouth. Suggest you take it upstairs and take your clothes off along the way. Lay down on the bed facing him and see what he does.

Sometimes people just need a little encouragement to get going. I used to think it was up to my DH to get things started and now we’re about 50/50 on who makes the first move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. No solutions but I have the exact same problem. I have talked to DH and he tried for two days but then it went back to normal. The "touch him the way you want to be touched" theory hasn't worked out, for me. I always initiate and he has complained when I was coy about initiating -- "Let's go to bed" instead of "Let's have sex now." I don't know, I'm stuck.

Husband here- what I wouldn't give for DW to surprise in the shower. pinch my butt as I walk past her, have her meet me at the door wearing nothing but a smile...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Next time you’re watching tv on the couch and drinking your wine, undo his pants and start rubbing. Move on to your mouth. Suggest you take it upstairs and take your clothes off along the way. Lay down on the bed facing him and see what he does.

Sometimes people just need a little encouragement to get going. I used to think it was up to my DH to get things started and now we’re about 50/50 on who makes the first move.

If this was a woman they’d be screaming marital rape!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been struggling more and more with an issue in my marriage related to intimacy. I'm going to keep this non-explicit, as it is more about the relationship and less about sexual details. We've been married for ten years and have an adequate sex life in terms of frequency (usually 1-2 times a week) and physical satisfaction. This has gone through normal periods of waning due to having babies, sickness, etc. but has always bounced back. However, I just feel like there is a lack of passion and intimacy - meaning, things feel good and work well when we're actually in the act, but there is not much sexuality between us outside of the bedroom. I would love a suggestive whisper or text, positive comment on my appearance or body, etc. to stoke the fire, so to speak. Basically, I want to feel desired. We essentially have our routine - sex is almost exclusively on the weekends, after we hang out together after the kids are in bed, drink wine, order take out. It's just assumed it will happen, and sometimes we're tired and it's getting late so it almost feels like duty sex or just keeping things going. I would love greater frequency, more spontaneity, actually being pursued or feeling desirable in some way. Half the time I go upstairs to change for bed and he's fallen asleep on the couch, so I have to wake him up for us to have sex. It's really just quite frankly a turn off for me. I would love for him to be a bit more aggressive and dominant sexually (not in a weird S&M way), and just show a little more passion for me all around. I think he is very guarded and kind of shy about sexuality in general - we do have good sex but it's usually the same basic foreplay routine, one or two out of a handful of positions, and done. We both end up satisfied, but I would love to mix things up a bit. Nothing crazy, just trying something new every once in a while. He never talks about sex and has been very closed off when I've tried to get him to discuss fantasies, etc. We have never explored sexting, talking dirty, or anything of that nature, and I can't imagine he would be comfortable with any of that. We have never even showered together, and he doesn't seem interested.

Otherwise, our relationship is very good, we are great partners and I honestly love him very much. He's a wonderful husband and father, and we are both still physically attracted to each other. I'm just desperate for more intensity and passion in the sexual part of our relationship. I'm in my mid-thirties, we're done having kids, and I'm realizing I want to enjoy what's left of my prime years of sexuality with the man I love the most. I do find myself fantasizing about other men I see out in the world occasionally, which I have rarely done in the past, and I think it's due to the lack I'm feeling in our sex life. These are simply fantasies - I would never, ever go outside my marriage. I just have no idea how to discuss all this with DH in a way that won't hurt him or make him feel defensive or inadequate. Plus I feel kind of embarrassed to disucuss it myself. I don't know how to start the conversation. Any advice?

Jesus Christ. You talk to much. No wonder he falls asleep - he's avoiding your motor mouth! Also, you're mid-thirties. My 72-year-old parents have been married forever and they still hold hands and have a sexual relationship. I hate that I know it, but when they visit... errr. You just know it. Why not try to engage him in a way that he connects to rather than "discussing" it. You sound like you're a turn-off to him too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. No solutions but I have the exact same problem. I have talked to DH and he tried for two days but then it went back to normal. The "touch him the way you want to be touched" theory hasn't worked out, for me. I always initiate and he has complained when I was coy about initiating -- "Let's go to bed" instead of "Let's have sex now." I don't know, I'm stuck.

Husband here- what I wouldn't give for DW to surprise in the shower. pinch my butt as I walk past her, have her meet me at the door wearing nothing but a smile...

while our sex life is really good, I have to +1 to the bold. wish DW would wear lingerie more often, be more up for the wild monkey sex we used to have. I know I'm being greedy but I love having sex with my wife.

[Anonymous]

If the sex is pretty vanilla do something about it! Start by going down on him and do some near anal play. Once I started doing this to my DH he reciprocated and we continue to find fun new things to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the sex is pretty vanilla do something about it! Start by going down on him and do some near anal play. Once I started doing this to my DH he reciprocated and we continue to find fun new things to do.

+1 I completely agree! Once I threw out being miss prim and proper (catholic school upbringing!) and became a bit of a "dirty girl" things really changed in our bedroom....and in other rooms....and other places. It didn't take long before I realized what I had been missing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find some porn with things you enjoy (or want him to try) and play it for him.

+ 1

[Anonymous]

Mother Nature rules sexuality and after you've been monogamous for a while Mother Nature thinks you've reproduced or are not going to reproduce. Sex is for procreation so Mother Nature thinks it's job is done. Mother Nature doesn't care if you are having pleasure from recreational sex. The hormones for love and family don't get along with the hormones for animalistic sex. They fight each other in the brain. That's why men have the Madonna whore complex where the no sex wife is on a pedestal and the dirty AP gets the sex. The trick is to have taboo and really dirty rotten sex to trick the brain into being someone new.